Well, lots has happened in my life lately. I seem to have lost a good friend, but I have gained a lot of strength. I guess it's good that he's gone, because he had gone from being a loving and supportive friend to somebody who every time I'm down had to start to point out my flaws. I'm sorry but somebody who is depressed doesn't need that sort of thing. He always seemed convinced I was obsessed with him and I don't see how anyone would be obsessed with somebody who tends to kick them when they are down. Just my personal views on it. I really think he got what he wanted out of me and once he figured he couldn't get anything else out of me, simply dumped me for a new friend. It's ok though. I still care about him. I worry about him. I know I won't ever see him again but I do care. I miss him a lot. I just pray he will be ok. I think he's going down a crooked path and will end up in trouble. I had been told by more than one person he had been sent to break me. I believe that now. Now that I've withdrawn I have a better perspective on the situation. It saddens me to think my friends were right all along and he was a harmful person to me. But next time I'll listen to my friends.

I hate Black Friday. Period. I won't usually leave the house. But there's a deal I have to try to get. Seriously. So I'm going to the cold and going to hang out all night to try to get it. Wish me luck.

I got back from Chandler, AZ on Monday morning. Went to my brother's wedding. I've posted some albums of the pictures I took.

Random Chandler Photos
Andy and Heidi's Reception
Andy and Heidi's Wedding

Enjoy.

I'm in Arizona for my brother's wedding. I am helping cater. I love my brother and my new sister. But I am having a hard time. I always have a hard time at weddings. I see the love and devotion the people have for each other and I'm severely envious. It's all that I've ever wanted and never had. I've been in love a few times in my life, but never had the person I loved return the feeling. Which is good really. Only one of them was husband material and he's dead. Hell, I am in love with somebody right now but he's not what I'm looking for in a mate. The guy would make a horrible husband. I might be in love, but I'm not stupid. I'll eventually get over him. I wouldn't ever even consider spending the rest of my life with him. I get very sad and depressed because I've been looking for someone to spend my life with a long time. Nineteen years. I have lost hope that I will ever find anyone who wants to be with me. I've had three dates this year. I got stood up twice and the third one he didn't even buy me lunch and then I find out he's got a girlfriend and is just looking for something on the side. Pathetic. Loneliness is killing me, slowly. It sucks.

Hmmm. How would you feel if somebody said this about you?

Crap or Shit... June 12, 2008, 01:00:am
Don't feel good....
I wish my friends would call...I wish I could destroy someones life
I hate her
I hate who she is and everything she stands for
She has no right to tell me what to do
She didn't raise me
Fuck her
I hope she dies
Mood: pissed
Music: Life is Beautiful-Nikki Sixx

I'm the SHE and the HER mentioned here. Seriously, how would you feel if somebody said this about you?

It's weird. Most of the people who read this blog do so because they find the posting about where I got my cartilage pierced. Just shows how interesting I am. :P

Yeah, I know it's been a while since I updated. I've been a little stressed out, ok? Anyway, today was my friend Kelly's birthday. Back in 2005 her best buddy died and Kelly was living in Milwaukee at the time. So nobody bothered to tell her. She found out way after the fact. But anyway today we went to visit Tank. She and Kelly shared a birthday. So, I'm wishing them both a happy birthday. :D


In Memoria by *12of8 on deviantART

I went to St. Louis and saw NIN courtesy of my friend Alex's mom, Jessie, who is now my friend as well. Jessie and I had a GREAT TIME!!! It was one of the best things I've done in YEARS. She had a hotel room in the Sheraton which she invited me to share with her, and I arrived on Tuesday night. That night we did some sleuthing and found out the band was staying at the Westin (s few blocks from us) by doing some comparing of the angles of a photo they took and the angles on photos I took. So Wednesday we went and took more photos and confirmed our suspicions. We ate lunch at the Westin in the Clark St. Grill (fabulous food by the way) and later found out while we were in there having lunch they cleared the lobby so NIN could come down and get in their cars!!! We missed having a Trent sighting by mere feet. Go figure, huh! We only ate that once and around 3 pm we got in line.
Jessie went to get the tickets at one window while I held our place in the NIN fan club line. It worked out well that way and we ended up being in the first 50 or so people in the door. :D Most of the crowd was quite a bit younger than us, but there were some people our age. It was nice to see that. And everyone around us in line was friendly. One girl passed out pixie sticks to everyone and then a guy handed out Starburst to people. We had kind of a camaraderie going on.

People talked and joked or listened to music while we sat waiting for the doors to open. Jessie whipped out her duck and blew some Bubbles of DEATH. (Long story, lol!)
They finally opened the doors around 6:30 and we then reformed a long line inside. Around 7 pm they allowed us to go into the arena. Once we got in there I had a cup of water Jessie brought me and that was my last taste of water for quite a while. I'm STILL rehydrating. They sat us down as they slowly let people into the general admission area.
The first band, A Place To Bury Strangers, sucked bad. It wasn't entirely their fault though. The music was ok, but whomever was running sound didn't do a good job cause you couldn't understand any of the lyrics. The music was ok, but they had no stage presence and the bass player just played as if he was standing in a room by himself... It was dead. :P Some people booed them and I felt bad cause they were making an effort, the music wasn't totally bad they just had no stage presence. Plus, opening for NIN has got to be pretty damn nerve wracking.

When it got to NIN onstage, the crowd went nuts!!! Jessie and I were about 2 people back from the rail. That meant we were about 15 to 20 feet from Trent Reznor. The crowd surged forward and it got so tight that I couldn't put my arms down. I sweated through my clothes and so did everyone around me. When we came out of there I was soaked. I did manage to get some spiffy pictures, despite having no control over the swaying of the crowd and the occasional surges forward. There were a couple of times I thought I was gonna be totally crushed, but I managed to survive. The weird thing about it is that you instinctively try to brace yourself against being pushed and with a crowd like that you really can't fight that much, so today my calves hurt and the muscles are knotted up so badly I'm in a great deal of pain. But anyway, here's some of my pictures of Trent Reznor. No Zoom used. :D



So, in conclusion, let me point out that I'm 40 and Jessie is older than I am. We held the line. No little punk kid pushed his way in front of us. We are hardcore and damn proud of it. And I have to say a BIG thank you to Jessie. This was seriously one of the best times I've EVER had. I can't thank you enough. Love you bunches!

Wow, it's been a while since I posted anything. Well, I have been contemplating whether or not to post something. It's a comment I received on this blog. I've deicded to include it in a post so that everyone can read it. It was posted Anonymously but, of course, I know where it came from.

Ann. I've been watching you. I don't like you posting about my spiritual other half like that. My demon is stronger now. Maybe now you see why I refused the excorsism. Maybe now you see why I chose to keep Daemonji around.I don't plainly give a hell who knows about the other side at this point. Just you know that I knew you would do something stupid. You're not as powerful as you think you are, Ann. Not spiritually.Now that the true battle has begun I see which side you're on. She has the kew to the third gate, you lose. It was never about getting in..do you get it yet? It was all about keeping you out the whole time. Humanity cannot help with this. This is between you and us! The more people you rile up, the more servants I gain later. Anger is the key to falling to my spiritual will. Do you not get that yet? Everything which you have done, and everyone else claiming to oppose me, has been according to my plans and predictions. I know your next move before you do. I created the path you now follow. I know how you will respond to this. So go ahead. Fall into my trap. Fall into my clutches. Every day you grow angrier and angrier, and when you unleash it through your pitiful rantings that becomes power for me, and for my other half. Yin and Yang, together we shall rule. Two halves of the same spiritual body. You have no chance. Oh and on a side note, you know less about computers than you think, did you know that through this blog I can get hold of enough information to destroy all of your funding? Did you know online I am as a God just as I am in the spirit realms? Didn't think so. Watch yourself.

So, any questions? I know that whomever posted it came from a link on Gaiaonline.com. I also know the old friend of Blair's who said he was possessed by the demon named in the comment. Of course, Blair told me last year the guy killed himself. So, either he's not dead, or she put somebody up to this. I know she didn't post this herself because the ip tracks back to Quincy, IL. As you can see, I'm quite scared by this threat. :)

w00t!! I'm a big Battlestar Galactica fan and just found out some good news. I snagged this from the forums at scifi.com
10, 11 or 12 more episodes in January 2009 officially, completing season 4 dealing with the fallout of finding earth, the head pple, the fifth cylon and all that jazz.......

BSG has now completed filming as of friday 11th July.

BSG will be broadcast in January to avoid the autumn sports season and up and coming new shows that BSG will have to compete with as well not to mention work in post production.
There is some confusion still as to whether there will be 10, 11 or 12 episodes, this is due to the fact that second half season length is 11/12 hours in total but the last episode could be 3 hours or the extra hours could be used in the new 'Razor' like movie.Nothing is confirmed as regards to this yet.
On June 28th 2008 in an interview with Grace Park in the LA times, she said that there was a greenlight for another Razor like movie with filming beginning in august. The movie will take place chronologically sometime during season 1.

Season 4 Episodes ................Caprica tv series news below

401: Razor
402: Razor
403: He that believeth in me
404: Six of one
405: The Ties that bind
406: Escape Velocity
407: The road less travelled
408: Faith
409: Guess whats coming to dinner
410: Sine Que Non
411: The Hub
412: Revelations

Season 4.5 episode titles

413: Sometimes a great notion
414: The disquiet that follows my soul
415: The oath
416: Blood on the scales
417: No exit
418:
419:
420:
421:
422:
423:

I'm SO happy!!!

Sadness. That's what I've got right now. It's hormonal. It is I know it, no discussion. But that doesn't mean that it's just going to go away. All the horrible things from the past two weeks keep replaying in my mind and I can't seem to make it stop. I usually have some depression around this time of the month, but right now it seems worse than last time. Probably because I HAVE had some much crap in my life lately. Yesterday I had to spend more than half of my monthly income to get my car fixed. I wish I didn't need a car, but in southern Illinois you can't get anywhere or do anything without one. I miss my best friend. Well, former best friend. I'm still upset with my ex-husband. I'm upset with my daughter Nina for running our cell phone bill over $500. I can't pay that. I have to call the financial services mid-month. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I feel old and useless. Doesn't matter I suppose. :P

It's funny how I've been sick and this has been a busy day for me. Dealing with two laptops, one walk through over the phone on how to install software and then another I'll see if I can deal with over the weekend. That one will involve travel. It's nice being needed. On the down side, my ex-girlfriend Nancy is moving to Ohio on Tuesday. It sucks cause she's my friend and I will miss her terribly. My friend Kelly lost her job on Tuesday and has been looking for another one. She has several promising leads so that's cool. The past couple of weeks have been REALLY busy for me. I hope this isn't a trend beginning. I was hoping for a little rest after having spent almost three weeks living without running water or electricity but it's not looking like that's going to happen. On a huge plus side, a guy I know on Deviant Art hooked me up through email with his mom and she's GIVING me her extra ticket to NIN in St Louis on the 20th. Yes. Free. Plus she's invited me to come up and stay at the Sheraton with her. Which is a big plus cause St Louis is about a 2.5 hour drive for me. It will be nice not to have to drive home right after the concert. I've been emailing with her and she seems very nice. I think I'm gonna have a GREAT time. :)

Well, something weird is happening. I live somewhat close to a municipal airport and there's been lots of heavy traffic going thru in the past few days. I'm quite used to the regular traffic that comes and goes. The sound of planes overhead is normal for me. This is weird because I keep hearing jets. I don't see them, just keep hearing them. The big jets don't use this airport. So I don't know what the deal is. It's weird.

On the down side I'm sick. I mean SICK. I've been throwing up off and on for the last 12 hours. I haven't been this sick in years. At least I got to see the X Files movie first. It was good seeing Mulder and Scully together again. :) From what I've seen lots of people didn't like it but I thought it was great. It was kind of weird having Billy Connolly as a pedophile priest though. Being that I remember his best work as a comedian, it was kind of odd. It worked though.

Last but not least, happy birthday Jeremy. I hope you have a good one. And I do miss you terribly.

Well, I know what happened to my former best friend now. He's apparently been conversing with my oldest daughter, the one I've had problems with. (She was not raised by me, but given up for adoption when she was born due to her father hanging himself while I was pregnant.) The biggest problem is that she's apparently a pathological liar. She lies about stuff she doesn't even need to lie about. At one point she tried to ruin the relationship I have with my younger daughter by telling her boyfriend to tell me about conversations she had with the younger online about the younger one being a satanist and basically just a bunch of bull$hit. I have told her that until she can act like a normal person and quit the drama and quit the lying, I want no contact with her. So she started in on MySpace. And I countered. So she sent me this nasty email on June 12.
Get over it Ann...Its all for fun! Jeez....Get a life! Don't get so pissy about some stupid Myspace shit that is going on. Thats so childish. And setting my status message to Stop trying to piss me off Blair was stupid. Your acting like a a teenager. How low will you go to embarrass me? Huh? I would like to know. If you harass me one more time over the internet I will inform my Mother. I told her about your blogs and that was cruel. Please stop harassing me.
Basically she started $hit with me and didn't like it when I reacted. She KNEW what she was doing would make me mad and did it anyway, then gets hostile over my reaction. She has been told by me and her mother not to contact me. Period. But she does it anyway. On MySpace and on Deviant Art and by email. It usually starts with her stirring up things, then apologizing and wanting everything to go back the way it was. I have a tracker embedded in this blog. I know when she accesses it. Apparently she doesn't take into account I know how to trace an IP address. It's very easy. I used to run a computer repair store and I learned a lot of things in that time. It's even more blatant when she does a search through my blog for her name and my youngest daughter's name. So yeah, I know she's been messaging my former best friend on Deviant Art and I got this weird anonymous posting to this blog tonight. It's in reference to where I made a post and told Blair I knew she was on my blog and to stop it.
Well that is certainly an uncalled for, and nutty statement, I knowit is not her for a fact, so drop it regarding her..
You do not know anything about whom has been reading this, most likely it is a foreign nation using a Czech network.
Stop making assumptions, in the field assumptions get a person killed.
They know it is not her for a fact. And I know where this posting came from cause I traced the IP. It was her for a fact. And the posting about the Czech network, I stated that I thought I knew who it was but wasn't sure. Every access from the Czech network came through the link I have to this blog on Deviant Art. Every single one. It might not be who I think it was, but it is funny that I posted that blog on June 30 and then the person in question pops up on Deviant Art on July 15? Coincidence? Maybe. I'm not so good tracing IPs outside the US. I don't understand their networks like I do ours. But without a doubt, Blair ruined my relationship with Marc, tried to ruin my relationship with my youngest daughter and I have a witness to this. Why she threatened my life and lied about it, I don't know. I do know that last summer she came down here and messed up my life, tried to mess up Nina's life, messed up her own life, and pissed off her boyfriend's mom to the point that Kelly can't stand her. She is a very convincing liar. I'm sorry my former best friend is listening to her, but now that I know he is, I know why he flaked out on me and cut me out of his life. Nothing I can do about it though. Maybe one day he will figure out she makes stuff up randomly and enjoys lying. She does end up contradicting herself, so maybe he will catch her and figure it all out. I'll pray for him.

Well, I had a majorly shitty week last week. My ex-husband and I got into a fight because he told me he was going to sell his van and leave the state to look for work. He already owes around $900 in child support so basically I felt he was abandoning his daughter. Of course he turned it all around to where it was just me accusing him of abandoning his daughter and how I'm not a good mom, etc. Then I got into it with my daughter. I made her go camping with me for a couple of nights and she layed into me because she didn't want to go. She let me know how crappy a mom I was and how it was all my fault that we don't have our own home, etc. Of course it never entered her mind that the reason we lost the home we had in the first place is because her dad quit his job and I lost almost $400 a month in child support. But oh well. So all that weighed heavy on me. Then I was speaking to the guy I considered my best friend yesterday. He said a few things that hurt my feelings, more than a little. I emailed him to let him know how it felt. He basically went ballistic, accused me of abandoning him, I was the one who was hurting him (but I bet I was the only one crying) and basically he let me know I had no place in his life anymore. This isn't the first time he's done something like this to me. In fact, it's about the third time this year. So I don't know if I'll be here when he comes back this time. It's kind of like when you have a rock in your shoe. If you leave it there it hurts more and more over time and can end up causing real damage. I love him very much. I love his sense of humor, I love his intellect. I love the way he kind of stutters when he's been drinking. I love him for who he is, not who he could be or might have been. But it seems to me that he sometimes says or does things to deliberately hurt me. I don't understand why he does this stuff. So I'm thinking maybe I need to keep the rocks out of my shoe, no matter how much I might want to keep them.

This country is going to hell in a handbasket. Please read these articles.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/15/opinion/15tue4.html?_r=2&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=385x105686

http://morris108.wordpress.com/2008/07/07/deprogram-flashback-congress-secret-meeting-prepares-for-imminent-economic-collapse/


http://digg.com/politics/Oklahoma_declares_Sovereignty_MUST_READ?t=16080279

It is imperative you read these articles.

I've been in the woods again and it's been good. I found a very interesting spot near Ozark, Illinois called Red Bud Campground. It's in the Bell Smith Springs area of the Shawnee National Forest. No electricity, no running water, no cell service and I have to drive half an hour just to get someplace with wifi. It's given me time to think. I'm sorting some things out in my mind and although not all the conclusions I have come to are good, at least I've come to some conclusions. I am seriously thinking of taking off for New Mexico. I have my good friends Rocky and Johnny B there looking for some property and in the meantime they say I can come camp at their place and even plug into the electricity. I do kind of miss having a fridge and microwave. Air conditioning too. Actually, now that I think about it, showering on a regular basis rocks as well. They told me to head on out. So I'm seriously thinking about it. I have to be in Arizona in October anyway, so that would put me that much closer. I guess I'll wait and see what happens. If I can manage it money-wise I'll probably head out in late August. If not, then it will prolly be September. Unless something happens to change my mind.

Sorry to all, I forgot I had set the blog up to notify certain people when I made a new posting. I'm going to correct that. I didn't mean to send that last posting out to you guys. I am a bit embarassed about it actually. :P But after this one it will be fixed. So, no worries.

I have had some horrible things happen to me in my life. One of them I need to write about today. I'm not sure why today, but I need to write it out. I'm not whining or complaining or looking for sympathy. I'm trying to purge it from myself by getting it all out.

When I was in 5th grade my family moved. I was in a great school, full of caring teachers, wonderful classmates and I had lots of friends. I was a bright, outgoing, happy kid who was thinking very hard about dedicating her life to god. My great aunt was a nun and I thought that maybe one day I would be one too. I was in accelerated classes for half the day, regular classes the rest and I was a straight A student. Then we made that move. I was a shy kid so that made it more difficult. In my new school they wouldn't put me in the accelerated classes. I had to "prove" myself. Which I did by making straight As. And of course, the kids in my class decided they didn't like me. I was smarter than they were and I was different. It didn't take long before I not only had no friends but I was lucky if I could get through the day without having food thrown in my hair or avoid the spit-wads. I was called everything in the book. Fat, stupid, lazy, bitch, goon, I heard it all. I wasn't fat, stupid, or lazy. And since I never talked to anyone I didn't know why I was a bitch. I prayed to god every night, asking for help. I needed it to stop. But it didn't. It went on for 2 years. I had faith that god would help me, but it didn't seem like anyone was listening to my prayers. I lost my faith and began to pray that I could just die so I wouldn't have to endure any more. Then I stopped praying. When I was in 7th grade and it stopped (only because I told a teacher off... long story there) I did gain a few friends. I have forgiven the kids that did that to me. I know that kids are cruel and they didn't have any idea of how badly they were hurting me. But the results of what they did to me haven't gone away. I know that I'm a fairly smart person. I was a member of Mensa actually. But inside I know I'm stupid. I know I'm fat, ugly and lazy. My body has become fat over the years. Belief has made it so. The only pretty thing about me is my hair. I not only lost my faith in god but my faith in myself when all that happened. I believe in god. I know he/she exists. I just can't bring myself to believe that what I say or do or ask for matters in the slightest. I can't believe that my life or existence has any worth. I want to. I want to believe that I'm important to somebody or in some way, but I just can't. I internalized all that those kids told me. So instead of seeing a wonderful worthwhile person when I look in the mirror in the morning, all I see is a worthless monster staring back at me. And I don't know how to make that go away. I've only wanted two things in my life so badly that I couldn't stand it. One was my own home, a place to be where I would have a refuge and my friends could come and have a refuge there too. The other was somebody to love me. Somebody who wanted me to spend my life with them. Somebody who who could see the beautiful person trapped inside this ugly shell of a body and know I am a wonderful, loving, caring person. I lost my home of 7 years after my ex-husband decided to quit his factory job and that meant I lost the almost $400 a month in child support I had coming in. And I'm not convinced anybody has ever truly been in love with me. I think I'm too intense. Guys are either intimidated by me or they just want to get laid. I've been asked out three times in the past year. The first guy stood me up. TWICE. The second guy, come to find out, has a girlfriend and just wanted a piece on the side. And while there's nothing wrong with sex, I don't believe in cheating. If you and your partner agree to outside activities, that's one thing. If they don't know and you are cheating, that's something else entirely. I might not have high morals, but I do have my own standards of conduct and that's just not right to do to anyone. So, there we are. I'm an emotional retard. I fall in love with people who can't love me back. Then it hurts and I don't understand what's wrong with me that they can't love me. It always comes back to me. It is always my fault. I don't know why but it is. It's got to be, right? The principal of that school I moved to, she told me that once. She took me aside and said my problems are all my fault. I didn't try hard enough to get the other kids to like me. Apparently despite my loathing of her and that school, I internalized that as well. It is my fault and will always be my fault. I'm broken and not all the kings horses and all the kings men can put humpty back together again.

I am going to the visitation for Kelly Hays tonight. Her funeral is tomorrow. Unfortunately it will be while I'm picking Nina up at the St Louis airport. It just doesn't seem fair to me that she's gone. How I can still live and she's dead I don't understand. I wish I could have traded places with her. She didn't deserve all that pain and suffering, slowly dying of cancer. It wasn't right.

I will be in town until Wednesday afternoon, at which time I'm going back out into the woods. No wifi, no cell. I just wish I could feel ok about being alive.

Check this out. I have this invisible tracker that lets me see the IP addresses of people who read my blog. Neato, huh? And despite the fact that I keep telling Blair to leave me alone and not read my blog, she's doing it anyway.

Illinois, Belleville, United States

Date	Time	WebPage
26th June 2008	11:04:32	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/
27th June 2008	04:03:31	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/
27th June 2008	04:07:01	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/
29th June 2008	23:16:40	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/
1st July 2008	02:46:21	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/
2nd July 2008	00:57:10	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/
2nd July 2008	23:31:14	No referring link alien-autopsy.blogspot.com/

Sometimes I get the idea she's more in the realm of paranoid schizophrenic rather than simply a compulsive liar. I could be wrong though. It's quite sad really. If everyone who reads this would say a small prayer for her, in the hopes that one day she will get her mind straightened out and be able to act like an adult, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

I am thinking somebody doesn't know how to read. Or at least doesn't comprehend what she's read. She can't seem to stop reading my blog. Even though I've told her not to.

In other news a girl I used to babysit is dying. She had breast cancer, thought she had beat it, it came back a year later (this past spring) and went systemic. She has been fighting hard but it looks like she has lost the fight. She went into ICU and has become non-responsive. Her family asked she be moved to a private room so they could all be with her in her final moments. If you have any spirituality at all, please pray for Kelly Hays and her family. Thank you.

And now, tomorrow I'm heading back to the woods.

Ok Blair, I really mean it. Quit reading my blog. You won't find anything nice about your behavior here. And like I said, I'm tracking your IP address each time you look at my page.

On a brighter note, I am back from the woods for a couple of days. I will be going back out in a day or two. Depends on how I'm feeling. It's helping me center myself. Which I need considering all the bull$hit I have to put up with in my life. My dog liked it too. :)

Blair, I know you were reading my blog again. At around 4 am this morning. I have been tracking the ip addresses that log on to it. Quit it. Until you can quit lying and start telling people the truth, I have nothing to say to you.

And whomever it is from the Czech Republic who has been reading my blog, I believe I know who you are. And if I'm correct I have only one thing to say and if I'm incorrect you won't understand this comment anyway. Would you please call him, let him know you aren't dead and give him some closure? Please? He deserves that much. It's tearing him up.

I probably won't be making any posts for a while. I'm going to have to go away I think. We will see.

I have been helping my friend Jeremy (a.k.a. The Doctor) set up a facebook page. Go take a look and let me know what you think.

I'm taking a break from camping right now and house sitting for my friend Nancy. Well, house and cat sitting. But I need to tell you about the campground I just came from. Crab Orchard Lake Campground in Carterville, IL is a horrible campground. There are spots where it is very beautiful. This doesn't make up for it's lacks and problems. They charge $110 per week to camp there. I'm not sure what the nightly rate is, but that's the weekly rate for a site with electricity.

Problem #1: The first night we were there, we arrived in late afternoon. We set up the camper (it's a popup with a few problems because it's a 1973 Starcraft - an excellent camper, just it's aging and it's showing) which took a while and went to plug in. Surprise! No 110 outlet. Only the weird 30 amp plugin. Of course the office was closed so there wasn't anything I could do about it at that point. Needless to say I had to run into town the next day as I had to get more insulin as I couldn't refrigerate what I had. The next day I asked the lady at the gate about it and she said she thought I could buy an adapter. I called the local RV place and it cost me just under $5. So, there's the cost of the gas driving back to town for the insulin, driving back to town to buy the adapter and the cost of the adapter.

Problem #2: There's a ban on alcohol out there. Which is ok, but I saw no evidence of it or the quiet hours being enforced. The second weekend we were there a group of people moved into the spot next to us and on Sunday night they proceeded to not only get drunk but loud. It didn't quiet down until after 2 am. If I hadn't had some appointments to be at on Monday, I wouldn't have cared much, but as it was it annoyed the hell out of me. I have nothing against having a drink and a good time but when you are at a full campground with families all around, getting drunk and yelling at your yapping little chihuahua at 2 am is just rude.

Problem #3: The bathroom. Where do I begin? They are in state of disrepair to say the least. And apparently the staff seem to think that spraying bleach all over them is good enough to clean them. I walked in one morning and they had apparently just sprayed bleach all over. The floor was still wet with it. I had to go very badly or else I would have turned around and walked out. The big problem here is that I have a condition called pulmonary hypertension. When I am subjected to strong fumes or certain types of smoke, I can't breathe. Straight bleach is one of the fumes I can't tolerate. I came out of the bathroom gasping for air. There are no doors on any of the stalls either. And a curtain on only one of them. I was taking my dog with me when I went to the bathroom because she would sit in front of the stall (on her leash) and people would know the end stall was occupied. One morning I was almost crossing my legs to get to the toilet and there was this woman cleaning the bathroom who told me I couldn't come in because they were cleaning and that I couldn't bring my dog in. I refrained from telling her that my dog was cleaner than their bathroom and that at least she didn't take a dump and not flush or leave toilet paper all over the floor. I went back to my camper and peed in a bucket. By afternoon there was a sign saying no pets in the bath house. I figured if she wanted me to tie my dog up every time I went to the bathroom, I'd be more than happy to and if Roxy began to bark and annoyed the whole campground, that wouldn't be MY fault. I probably wouldn't have been so irritated if the woman hadn't been so snotty in the way she acted towards me. After all, I WAS a paying guest. The showers don't drain properly, there's always sand in the bottom of them I've noticed. Half the time there's no hand soap, the paint is peeling and apparently nobody is allowed to wash dishes in the bathroom sinks. You are supposed to use the outside sink. See the pictures below.




This last picture is the outside sink. No, I'm not kidding. Signs in the bathroom direct you to use the outside sink. One threatens you with being thrown out if you use the bathroom sinks to wash dishes. It's like you are paying for the privilege to stay there and if they decide you don't deserve it, out you go!

Problem #4: What they don't tell you. If you aren't from southern Illinois, you might not know Crab Orchard is a man-made lake. And being a man-made lake they of course used fairly cheap land. Land that a munitions plant was on. There's PCBs in the water. It's documented. I won't eat fish from the lake or swim in it. There's all kinds of chemicals in the ground and water that they don't tell you about. I know about it because I used to know a gentleman who worked at the plant and he told me some of the stuff they used to just pour on the ground...

So, In conclusion, although Crab Orchard Lake Campground has some very beautiful spots, it's really not worth it. You would be better off going to a cheap motel and getting a room for $140 a week. At least you would have cable, air and a private bathroom.

Well, back in southern Illinois and it's about the same. I'm camping and nothing is new. :P I miss Rocky and Johnny B. and being on the road. With gas prices at $4 a gallon though, I doubt I'll be going anywhere new soon.

I'm in Louisiana again. This time I'm at Bayou Segnette State Park, which is about 30 minutes outside of New Orleans. I got to visit with my friends Rocky and Johnny B, got to meet Johnny's good friend Mary, and am having a pretty good time. I have about 3 cases of MREs so we won't starve and Rocky and Johnny gave us lots of useful items. Rocky and Johnny took off for New Mexico this morning, so stuff they couldn't take with them I got. Memory foam for the camper, a nice camp stove, a Mr. Heater, a Btitta pitcher, all this in addition to the MREs they gave us. I can't possibly thank them enough for everything. And hopefully I will be seeing them soon in New Mexico. :)

Marsh Flowers by *12of8 on deviantART


On another note, if Jeremy reads this please call me tonight. I REALLY need to speak with you.

Sometimes I wish I would go completely mad. I figure that way the pain in my heart wouldn't be as noticeable. I am tired of being alone, yes I know I shall remain alone. There is no mate, no companion out there for me. I so desperately need somebody to love, who will love me back that when I get cracks in the wall I've tried to build around my heart it comes pouring out in a torrent, overwhelming me. I wish my heart were dead, a dried up useless thing. Then it wouldn't hurt anymore.

Some pictures from my recent trip to New Orleans.

A Busy Night by *12of8 on deviantART

Aslan? by *12of8 on deviantART

Blue Door by *12of8 on deviantART

The Queen by *12of8 on deviantART

Egrets by *12of8 on deviantART

Headless Angel by *12of8 on deviantART

Jackson Square by *12of8 on deviantART

Joan Of Arc by *12of8 on deviantART

Enjoy.

Well, I'm back from New Orleans and I had an absolutely fabulous time. My buddy rocky and his friend Johnny B. ran around with us all week. We stayed with Rocky and his roommate Cross. It was awesome. I got to several cemeteries I'd never been to before, including St. Louis #1 which is where they say Marie Laveau is buried. I got a chance to become somewhat familiar with the Marigny (a section of New Orleans down the river from the French Quarter) as that is where Rocky and Cross live. It's less crowded than the Quarter, with the houses being spread out more, but with just as much color as the Quarter. I am in the process of posting some of the pictures from this adventure on my deviant art page (http://12of8.deviantart.com). I will post little snippets from the week off and on, although I probably won't tell the entire story of what all I did there. Kind like the whole "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" kind of thing. ;)

Well, topcities dumped my veteran's page with no warning, so I created a new one. It's at http://ourfallenheroes.freesitespace.net
. They are free also but give me much more space and I can upload via FTP instead of having to use topcities stupid file manager, which limited me to only 10 files at a time. So it's all good.

I will be leaving Saturday for New Orleans. YAY! Going with Kelly and Brandie and am going to stay with my friend Rocky. I love Rocky. I miss him lots. We were pretty close in high school. Used to do some bizarre stuff too, like one night we climbed up into an abandoned crane out at a strip mine... But anyway, I hope to come back with lots of cool pics to post on my page at deviantart (http://12of8.deviantart.com). My laptop still isn't fixed. My good friend Dave is working on that (not the ex-husband, GOD NO! but another one of the many "Daves" I know). Hopefully it might be fixed in the next month. He's trying to force the company to honor the warranty. Let's all wish him good luck with that cause it's been like beating your head against a concrete wall. But this does mean I'll be out of touch for at least a week. I might borrow Rocky's computer just to check in now and again. We will see. In the meantime, try not to have too much fun without me. :D

Well, it's been a hell of a weekend. Began on Friday at 4:30 in the morning or so there was a 5.2 earthquake. I slept through it, naturally, but was awake for the 4.0 aftershock. Then my friends threw me a surprise party and took me out to the bar to celebrate me turning 40 on Saturday. I had a GREAT time all weekend. Thank you guys! I think this was the best birthday I've ever had. :D

Well, I've been suffering from a particularly nasty urinary tract infection this week. I'm not letting it slow me down too much, although I did sleep about 15 hours last night. I needed it. But I have so many projects to finish that I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I've been working on my page to honor the veterans and learning about sites that let you sell stock photos. I need to make some cash so I am hoping somebody will accept some of my stuff, lol. The site to honor the veterans is http://reddish68.topcities.com so go visit it. :D

I'm exhausted. And I've been physically ill. I conducted an experiment over the weekend that left me totally debilitated. I knew better but I did it anyway. But I do have a better idea of what I'm doing now than I did before. It's going to take me a while to fully recover from this. In the meantime I'm editing photos and reading Time Enough For Love by Robert Heinlein. If you have never read this book I highly recommend it. It's one of my all time favorites.

Going to a very large cemetery in Centralia, IL tomorrow. I hope to get some interesting shots. The graves have some of the most wonderful headstones I've seen south of Chicago. :D

Yay! I got a hold of one of my old friends in the computer industry and he's going to see if he can get my laptop fixed for me. I'm quite happy about this. If he can pull it off, that means I won't have to spend the cash for repairs and can follow through with some birthday plans I had. Yes, I will officially be over the hill near the end of April. But it's ok with me. I just wish I felt like a grow up sometimes instead of an overgrown kid! I suppose my state of mind is best though. Better to be young in the mind than old and inflexible and set in my ways, right?

I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I think it's because I am still worried about my former friend. I try not to think about him but sometimes I can't help it. I am worried he's going to do something very stupid. He's a genius, but even a genius can do something stupid. I miss him quite a bit but I'm adjusting to life without his presence. I have my own agenda now and things are mostly looking up. I have been in and out tonight, going outside to smoke instead of into my bunker. I keep hearing what sounds kind of like semi-automatic weapons fire. I am hoping it's just some kids with firecrackers and not something going on over at the munitions plant...

My former best friend got in touch with me again. And after a long night of talking in which he said some incredibly bizarre things, he blew up at me again and now he has severed his ties with me. Which is why I'm going to take the steps I'm going to. Create a new path. He's gone totally off the wall. He's getting involved with bad people, he's gone into a dictator mentality and I am worried he will get himself killed. I forgive him for this. I really do. I don't think he can help it. But if a friend wrongs you and you won't even let them explain the circumstances, isn't this wrong too? This is one of the things that goes under a list of what I hate. This list is in no particular order.

1. Intolerance
2. Mind games
3. neo-Nazis
4. moral legislation
5. people with no sense of responsibility for their own actions
6. people who blame others for their own actions
7. people who judge without all the facts
8. the government
9. those afraid of change

I'll prolly add to this list as the need arises. I have in the past and continue to admit to the things I've done wrong. I will admit to having done some very stupid things when I was younger. I will probably do more stupid things in the future and I'm sure that's what will eventually get me killed. But the thing is that I haven't given up. I'm not ready to die. My life has been getting better and I have hope again. No thanks to my former best friend. It's almost like the last time we talked he was trying to get me to break down totally. To destroy the self confidence and self worth I have begun to feel in the past month. I've been on psychiatric meds for almost 7 years now. I took myself off them at the end of January. Adjusting to life without them has been really weird. My mind is working so much better it's not even funny. I remember things I had forgotten, things I tried to forget, things I wanted to forget. This doesn't mean I excuse these actions or events. But I remember them in detail now. Despite this, I still am finding life to be beautiful. I have come out of a cloud of self-loathing and am learning how to live again. If my former best friend finds me to have betrayed him for something I did almost 17 years ago, then so be it. That is his faulty perception, not mine. If he can ever clear his head to understand that my holding a secret within me had nothing to do with him, then that's great. But I think it's a Jekyll and Hyde situation, and I can only hope that Dr. Jekyll can regain control before it's too late. I will miss him, but I won't mourn him. He said I was self centered and childish. I think he's the one being childish in that he wouldn't accept an explanation of my actions and has judged me for something that if you want to be technical, somebody else did. I am not the same person I was then. I never will be again. 17 years is a long time. I have changed a lot. And yes, I know I'm going on about it, but I needed to vent some feeling here. I'm sad about the loss of that friendship. But I'll move on. Hopefully I'll even change the world. ;)

I am very tired. Tired of men, tired of bull$hit, tired of it all. So I'm going to take a radical step. I'm going to alter the future. Start a new path/universe. We will see how it works out. :)

Well, I ended up forgiving my former best friend. I don't know if he knows that or not yet. I sent him an email but there's been no reply. I guess I might never hear from him again. I did tell him I was sorry for whatever I had done that upset him. I'm still not sure I grasp understanding of what I did that upset him, other than fall in love with him. It's was a weird thing for me too, because I fell in love with his mind. Odd, isn't it? But in my letter to him I did say I was sorry and I didn't mean to push any heavy emotions or anything on him. If I did I wasn't aware of it anyway. I had expressed my frustration with waiting on him. But that wasn't on waiting on him to return my emotions. That was actually waiting on him to call or waiting on him to read my email. Sometimes I had things I felt were very important and wanted him to know about it and give me feedback and it had gotten to feeling like I could do stuff he wanted NOW and he would blow my stuff off for days sometimes. But none of this matters anymore. I forgave him. I understand that he was not totally open with me and there are things I don't know anything about in his life. He might have done what he did to protect me from something, or to keep me at a more comfortable distance for him. I have to say I miss the long talks with him about life, the nature of the universe, and anything else that crossed our minds. Even in high school I never spent that much time talking to ANYONE on the phone, lol. I had a lady on a forum I have been spending some time on give me some very sound advice. She said to go to the still place within myself, and allow the pain to come. Let it hit me hard. Think about what caused all the pain and then let it go. Forgive those that caused it and move on. I've done that. I have to say I've felt the best I've felt in years the past three or four days. In fact, I sat and talked with a lady about my first daughter's father's death today. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt, but I was able to talk about it without becoming a total wreck. I didn't even cry although I still felt the sorrow and a bit of pain over his loss. He hung himself while I was pregnant. The 19th anniversary of his death is the 6th of this month. But I finally forgave him for leaving me when I needed him most. I understand now that whatever was happening with him was so profound that I had nothing to do with it. I didn't cause it nor could I have prevented it. I miss him, but I know it wasn't because of me that he did what he did. Every year I would feel that pain, almost as fresh as the day it began. I realize I might crack on the 6th, but I don't think so. I also realize that my new found outlook on life is going to take some getting used to and I have to beware signs of slipping back into my old self-loathing depressive ways. But with the advice I got, I think I might finally be ok. I can move forward now instead of going back to the same old points in my life and beating myself up over things I had no control over anyway.

On a different note, Nancy, Kelly and I went on a ghost hunt Saturday night. And we found them!!! Kelly has some posted on her my space page. Her url is http://www.myspace.com/vampyluv Go check out the Ghost Hunt at Sunset Haven album in her pictures! I especially love the one with the apparent spirit in front of me when I'm sitting on the stairs. It's too cool. I have to say the whole experience was pretty awesome except for the two miles we hiked. Kelly and I did some daylight recognizance and the hike to the building from the road is 1/2 mile. Well, we went down and came back up during daylight. Then we went back down and came back up late that night. So it was a little grueling for me, especially since I'm the most sensitive (psychically) among the three of us. The building was a poor farm until the early 40s when it was converted into a nursing home. It stayed a home till the late 50's then was taken over by the local university and used for animal experimentation. It is just a shell of a building now. I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that at some point shock treatments were given in this place. There were two rooms I simply could not enter. By the time we left, I was sick and hurting and very dizzy. Oddly enough, I took stills and video but only caught a couple of orbs. For those who say orbs are just dust or whatever, the wind was blowing like you wouldn't believe here and you can go check the records to prove it. Look up Carbondale, IL weather records for the night of March 2nd and early morning March 3rd. There's no way a speck of dust hovered long enough for my camera to take a pic of it in total darkness so it would appear like a fuzzy white orb floating in the air. Kelly got the most spectacular photos and we are hoping this next weekend to visit another haunted house. It ought to be very interesting.

On an even totally different note, I got to play a Tibetan singing bowl today. It was almost a religious experience for me. The guy showed me how to hold it in my hand and then how to play it. The vibration from the bowl and the sound the bowl produced almost sent me into a trance-like state. I've decided I have to get one of these. I've never felt like that while standing up in broad daylight. If I would have continued playing I might have collapsed. I'm not sure. Even if I had I think I would have enjoyed it. It was like everything became very surreal yet extremely clear. I know my reality was changed so quickly it wasn't even funny. Quite overwhelming and awesome.

I am feeling very depressed today. I miss my best friend. It hurts so bad I could almost just give in and forgive him for leaving me when I needed him. Almost. I've noticed a pattern in my life. I can't depend on men. They always leave me when I need them. Of course whether it's a friend or lover, I always get the "I'll be there for you speech" at some point and then they aren't there for me. When my first daughter's father killed himself (It will be 19 years ago the beginning of March) I couldn't understand why he would leave me when I needed him so badly. Being single and pregnant was hard, but at least I knew he was there. I never pressured him to marry me or any of that crap. I was going to do it on my own and he could either be dad or not. But when he killed himself it was like my will to live was gone too. I didn't want to go on. I had loved him so deeply and I never told him that. I kept it to myself. I was afraid if I told him or let him see just how much I loved him that he would leave me. Then for years I blamed myself for his death because I didn't tell him. Maybe if he had known how much I cared about him he wouldn't have done it. It could have been an anchor for him, something to hold on to in his depression. My grandma died not quite a month after he did. I got lucky and got to see her right before she went. At least she knew how much I cared about her. My ex-husband didn't so much abandon me as he simply kept himself separate from me and his daughter. It wasn't "US" It was Him and then Me and Nina. If it wasn't convenient or what he needed then he wasn't there. For some reason I seem to want to attach to men I think are strong only to find out they aren't at all. I always end up having to be the strong one. And I really resent this. I don't want to be the strong one anymore. If you have to be the strong one and nobody tries to hold you up while you are the one supporting the roof, then eventually there are structural problems and the roof caves in cause you have too much weight to bear alone. I'm sick of it. I don't think I CAN be the strong one anymore. Of course, people will say that's a load of crap cause you can always go further then you thought you could. This is true, unless you end up putting your feet down and dragging them instead of pedaling the bicycle. I'm tired enough I'm going to put my feet down. I don't want to go anymore.

I had a flash back to the distant past today. My daughter was looking at her teeth in the mirror and my mom said "You know when your mom's adult teeth began to come in she looked at her teeth in the mirror a lot. She was afraid she would turn into a werewolf." I had forgotten all about that. It was just kind of funny.

Well, I've had some pretty severe trauma going on in my life. I lost my best friend and my laptop died. I'll have to send the laptop in for work after I've gotten all my info off it. The loss of my best friend is a little more traumatic though. I have to resist the urge to cry every day. I am going to miss him so much it's not even funny. I talked with him about things I can't tell anyone else. I feel as if my heart broke within my chest and is now bleeding me dry. He took off and left me when I needed him most. I have insecurity and abandonment issues anyway, but this just nailed all that down. The last time I spoke with him he basically yelled at me for expecting certain behaviors from him and basically it was him thinking I expected these behaviors. I did expect that the kindness I had shown him be returned but I don't think that's too much to ask for. This happened on the 15th, right after Valentine's day. I have huge issues with V-Day. I have years of trauma and pain associated with that day and now I have more pain and trauma to associate with it. With what I'm going to lay out here, you can either judge me insane or not. I don't really care one way or another. I've seen the future since I was in 7th grade. It began with dreams that came true, frighteningly so. In my lifetime, I've seen demons and ghosts, heard the mad whisperings of spirits. Does this mean I'm crazy? Maybe. I know the difference between hallucinations a some of the things I have seen and heard. I do hallucinate when I don't sleep for extended periods of time. Anyone will when they don't get enough REM sleep. That is NOT what I'm describing. I tried for years to be "normal". I even had a nervous breakdown at a job a few years ago, and the medications I ended up on made me as normal as I could be. I am bipolar, but this other stuff is beyond that. Sometimes I feel emotions from other people so strongly I can't block them out. My best friend encouraged me to try to recapture these so called gifts. I spent a weekend hanging out with him and being in his proximity woke up things I hadn't remembered I had. I am now seeing things with a terrifying clarity. And I'm scared. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff. Nobody who knows what I'm trying to say when I describe these things. This sort of thing almost drove me over the edge into madness when I was in high school. I don't know how to handle some of this now and I'm alone. I feel as if I have a choice. I can take the high road and work on the side of light, or I can take the easy road and just let go. I want to let go so badly. But I've seen the things that inhabit that stretch of road and they scare me. I am lost and confused and the one anchor I thought I had isn't there anymore. I might eventually forgive him for leaving me like this, but I will never forget it. Right now I'm walking around with my barriers up, worried somebody will find out what I see and hear, decide I'm psychotic and have me committed. I suppose if it comes to that I'll just rave like a lunatic so they will dope me up and I don't know what's going on around me. I'm noticing some very strange physical changes along with the mental too. I've begun to grow coarse black hair here and there, and being that I'm naturally a redhead with very fine hair this is bizarre to say the least. It started with one, and now I've noticed them here and there, the one I grew on my chest freaked me out. It was about 2 inches long, straight and coarse like a dog hair, but jet black. I don't care how close a woman is to menopause I really don't think I ought to have this sort of thing happening. So, yeah, maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm experiencing some sort of weird hormonal shift. Does it matter really? Not to anyone but me I think. Maybe I'm becoming something that isn't quite totally human. Who knows. I know that it's all really freaking me out and I don't like it. And again, the only person I could talk to about this sort of thing is gone from my life. Some might say I need a priest. I think I need a shaman. Or maybe I'll just let go and go down that dark road and nobody will have to worry about it. They say evil can be painfully beautiful. I've never been beautiful. It might be a nice change.

I know it's been a while since I posted anything. I've been kind of busy. I decided to pop in and post a thing I wrote on love and pain. It's written from a logical, not emotional point of view. Feel free to comment on it's contents.

The sad impossibility of walking through life without hurting anyone, either physically or emotionally, accidentally or on purpose can be a great source of self-inflicted pain when reflected upon. For example, take the condition of being in love. Not in loving, as simply loving is very different than being in love. First off, the intensity of this feeling has the ability to give you sharp stabbing pains all on its own. Sometimes it seems as if it would hurt less to be hit with a brick than to fall in love.
The first scenario is when you fall in love with somebody. There are many outcomes. Quite a few are intensely painful. For instance, there’s falling in love with somebody you don’t know. This one isn’t so bad. If you are lucky and can maintain, you can be in love with them from afar, never have to tell them, and eventually get over it. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most painful, it’s usually a 3 or 4.
Then there is when you fall in love with somebody you do know. If it’s simply an acquaintance, that’s not too bad. If it’s a close friend, there’s a recipe for disaster. Either way, you have choices to make. You can pretend you aren’t in love with them, you can allow yourself to admit you are in love with them, or you can even go so far as to tell them you are in love with them. I tend to have the bad taste to fall in love with friends. Bad taste, bad luck, I’m not sure.
If you choose the path of pretending you aren’t in love with the person, then there’s a set of problems that can arise. With you trying to ignore the feeling you are suppressing emotions, not getting rid of them. When you bottle things up inside you like this the outcome can be disastrous. Eventually, with the contents under pressure, the bottle will explode and cover you and the object of your affection with a lot of intense emotions. You can start to become weird as the pressure builds. Every time you see them with somebody else, hear them speaking of somebody else, or even hug another person, the jealousy arises. But you end up denying its jealousy because you are denying you are in love. You might begin by making sniping comments about their current crush, love interest or significant other. After a while, it will be impossible for them to ignore this and it will begin to piss them off. And you will keep doing it until you realize its pissing them off. At that stage it can get much uglier. Since you are still in denial then it might go even further to where you begin to seek their attention any way you can get it. This might include putting yourself down simply so they might tell you that “No, you aren’t ugly” or “Really I like your hair that color,” anything to possibly feed your starving ego. But if this approach doesn’t work, then sometimes the brain gets more desperate for attention and will even revel in negative attention. You might threaten to harm yourself or another, imply very risky behavior, or insinuate that you have been abusing yourself (drugs, alcohol, cutting type behavior, etc.). You might even go as far as to harm yourself. Not a lot, but enough to get their attention. But what is really happening here is that you are driving the person you are in love with away from you. If they are a friend, then they at least care about you to some extent. And they can’t handle the constant threats of harming yourself. Usually they don’t know what to do about it and end up having to withdraw, which can make you hurt all the worse. This is also a possible outcome with admitting you are in love with the person and even with telling them you are in love with them. It isn’t as bad though if you can admit it to yourself and/or them. It can be the most hurtful to them and you if you deny it all.
If you can at least admit to yourself that you are in love with this person, it is easier to an extent. You don’t usually end up with such extremes in behavior in a vain attempt to get the object of your affection to pay attention to you. It can happen, but usually isn’t so bad.
The hardest one for me is when you not only admit to yourself but to the person that you have fallen in love with them. This is a very hard one for me because I am a very intensely emotional person and every time I fall in love with a friend that I care about, it’s never anyone who can return my love, for a variety of reasons. Not all people have this problem though. Some people can and do fall in love with friends and it all works out. I’ve never fallen in love with a friend and had it come to a good end. It can happen though. Just not to me, lol. The main problem is that if you admit to them that you are in love with them, this opens you up to attack. It’s admitting a weakness that the other person didn’t know existed before. It’s a huge trust issue. If they aren’t the person you thought they were, they might use this knowledge to use you or abuse you for their own pleasure, love having nothing to do with it at all. And sometimes what happens is that you so desperately want them to be in love with you too that you let them use you. You know its happening but you can’t seem to draw that line. That’s where the pain gets really bad. It hurts that they don’t return your love but you still do and do for them because there is that vague hope in the back of your mind that they will wake up and see you for who you are and realize that you are beautiful and worth their love. Unfortunately people who tend to use or to take and never give don’t end up realizing this and really aren’t worth your love in the first place.
The second scenario is when somebody that you are not in love with falls in love with you. This is one that doesn’t happen to me, although I’ve talked other people through it so I’m quite familiar with how it works. There’s a couple of different ways it can work, the first being that the person hasn’t told you they are in love with you but it’s obvious. This is usually noticed when they kind of become clingy in either a physical or emotional way. You know something is not right but might not be able to put your finger on it at first.
The whole clingy phase is quite disturbing if you think of this person simply as a friend, or even just as “somebody I know”. They seem to get quite intense and you know something is up, even if they aren’t admitting to anything. If you figure out that the person IS in love with you, whether they admit it or not, there are a few choices you can make. One choice is to ignore it. This might work, depending on the person you are dealing with. If they are not TOO intensely in love with you, then you stand a good chance of getting through it with a minimum of scars. If they are totally head over heals for you, then no choice you make will be painless. If you ignore them, they will head straight to the negative attention phase and then you will have to withdraw for the sake of your own sanity. Or you could choose to try to date them, feeling that maybe something within you will develop. This can happen. It’s never happened to me, but it can happen. What’s most likely though is that while they are totally smitten with you, you are still trying to get used to the idea of dating them and can at that point become even more withdrawn as things feel as if they are moving way too fast for you. And then there is the “object of affection” tactic. In order to try to escape being the object of their affection, you introduce them to somebody who DOES want to date them. With any luck, they will agree to date the person and you get some relief. With lots of luck, they end up in love with that person rather than you. If they don’t go for the object of affection tactic and they begin to move toward the negative attention side of the spectrum, then the best thing to do is to withdraw before things get even worse. I know it sounds cruel, and I know it is hurtful, but you have to protect your own sanity and you really can’t help it that you aren’t attracted to them in any way. You will feel horrible doing this, and it’s painful for both parties. It’s necessary though. If you have no attraction to them and continue to associate with the person and they have displayed the warning signs, it is cruel to you and to them to allow it to continue. If you let them keep associating with you then anything you say that doesn’t come out as a negative statement towards them ends up giving them small bits of hope that you might be able to be in love with them too if you tried. I know this because I’ve been in this place many times. I think it really ends up hurting worse being lead along with the hope of some sort of reward, only in the end to feel used and depressed, ready to open a vein to stop the pain.
In summary here, being in love hurts. It doesn’t matter if you are the one in love or the object of such affection. It doesn’t matter how it happens, but if you are involved in one of the scenarios I mentioned above, then you will be in pain and you will hurt the other person involved. Well, unless you are of that lucky minority that can fall in love with a friend who is in love with you. But don’t hold your breath on that one. But please do remember that no matter which side you are on, if you think about it from the other person’s point of view it can at least mitigate the pain so it’s manageable.

I am quite tired. And very lonely. It's like my soul is aching, crying out for someone to be close to. It is emotionally quite painful. I want it to stop.

I had sunk into a deep depression after my little confession to the friend I'm in love with. I have come out of it now, for the most part. We have been planning that I should come visit him the first week in February. I guess I'll see how that goes. We are still simply friends though. I think I will never find somebody who can fall in love with me. I still am waiting for that knight on the white horse to come and rescue me but I am thinking he's lost his way and will never find me...

Well, things went badly. My friend did call and he is still my friend. But that is all. I've gotten very depressed about the situation. I'm in a lot of pain right now. It's not his fault. I can't blame him for just being my friend. I'm the one who screwed up and fell in love. And what makes it worse is that a very clear realization has hit me. Nobody has ever really wanted me. Nobody. Nobody wanted to date me in high school. Nobody wanted to date me in college. Sure, I have had plenty of drunk guys come on to me. They usually wanted me for all of about 15 minutes. Even my ex-husband didn't really want to marry me. He never asked me. So I'm sitting here at the edge of 40 knowing that I will die alone, unwanted. Wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning to face a useless life. Wondering why nobody can see past my ugly exterior to the part of me that is filled with love. It used to have hope there too, but I think that hope is dead in me.

Well, I think I did something bad. I have had some very deep and confusing feelings about a very good friend of mine. And I finally admitted to myself that I was indeed in love with him. Which was very scary for me because I don't want to be in love. Especially not with a guy. I have horrible relationships with men it seems. Plus, this guy is younger than I am, I don't think I'm physically attractive to him at all, he's good looking while I'm fugly, he lives in another state, and I could continue but you can see where this is going. But the whole thing had been getting to me rather badly. I have been trying to keep it under control and last night I had a few drinks and we were talking on the phone and the subject of sex came up and I got upset. I couldn't help it. When I think about an intimate relationship with him I begin to feel hopeless. After a long conversation, I finally told him what was bothering me. He didn't seem to mind. He felt that it could only strengthen our relationship. But I'm scared that it's going to drive away one of the best friends I've ever had. I've had a few brief communications with him online today, but I haven't heard from him otherwise. I suppose if I don't hear from him for a few days, I'll know I drove away one of the few people in this world I call a friend.

I'm tired. I'm tired of bill collectors, I'm tired of politicians, I'm tired of being broke, I'm just TIRED of all the bull. These politicians get up on their soap boxes and try to make people think that they understand the plight of the common man. Bullshit. It takes enormous financial resources to be elected to office, even just the senate. And then these guys get salaries of $100,000.00 a year plus perks. Do they have a clue what it's like to try to live on disability? Or Social Security? Or even a minimum wage job? Hell no. They don't have the slightest clue. I'm tired of their lies. I'm fed up with all of it. Sometimes I think that the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is a lie they keep stuffing down our throats so they can keep us just where they want us, wringing every extra penny out of us and keeping us as the sheep we have grown to be. Yeah, I know I'm ranting but I'm pissed off. You can only spoon feed people so much shit before they begin to hate the taste.

On a lighter note, I accidentally stumbled upon a series of absolutely hilarious photos with captions. This one in particular had me almost rolling as I live in a very rural southern area. http://rhymer.net/New%20Folder/Tamil/merc.htm
Check it out. Heck, scroll through all of them while you are there. Lots of funny stuff.

Hope everyone had a Happy New years. It was a little hectic for me, supervising my 13 yr. old daughter's party, but we got through it ok. Speaking of Nina, she created some designs for t-shirts and you can check them out here: http://164272.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
For every one sold she gets a kickback. So, go buy a t-shirt!!! :)