Sadness. That's what I've got right now. It's hormonal. It is I know it, no discussion. But that doesn't mean that it's just going to go away. All the horrible things from the past two weeks keep replaying in my mind and I can't seem to make it stop. I usually have some depression around this time of the month, but right now it seems worse than last time. Probably because I HAVE had some much crap in my life lately. Yesterday I had to spend more than half of my monthly income to get my car fixed. I wish I didn't need a car, but in southern Illinois you can't get anywhere or do anything without one. I miss my best friend. Well, former best friend. I'm still upset with my ex-husband. I'm upset with my daughter Nina for running our cell phone bill over $500. I can't pay that. I have to call the financial services mid-month. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I feel old and useless. Doesn't matter I suppose. :P

It's funny how I've been sick and this has been a busy day for me. Dealing with two laptops, one walk through over the phone on how to install software and then another I'll see if I can deal with over the weekend. That one will involve travel. It's nice being needed. On the down side, my ex-girlfriend Nancy is moving to Ohio on Tuesday. It sucks cause she's my friend and I will miss her terribly. My friend Kelly lost her job on Tuesday and has been looking for another one. She has several promising leads so that's cool. The past couple of weeks have been REALLY busy for me. I hope this isn't a trend beginning. I was hoping for a little rest after having spent almost three weeks living without running water or electricity but it's not looking like that's going to happen. On a huge plus side, a guy I know on Deviant Art hooked me up through email with his mom and she's GIVING me her extra ticket to NIN in St Louis on the 20th. Yes. Free. Plus she's invited me to come up and stay at the Sheraton with her. Which is a big plus cause St Louis is about a 2.5 hour drive for me. It will be nice not to have to drive home right after the concert. I've been emailing with her and she seems very nice. I think I'm gonna have a GREAT time. :)

Well, something weird is happening. I live somewhat close to a municipal airport and there's been lots of heavy traffic going thru in the past few days. I'm quite used to the regular traffic that comes and goes. The sound of planes overhead is normal for me. This is weird because I keep hearing jets. I don't see them, just keep hearing them. The big jets don't use this airport. So I don't know what the deal is. It's weird.

On the down side I'm sick. I mean SICK. I've been throwing up off and on for the last 12 hours. I haven't been this sick in years. At least I got to see the X Files movie first. It was good seeing Mulder and Scully together again. :) From what I've seen lots of people didn't like it but I thought it was great. It was kind of weird having Billy Connolly as a pedophile priest though. Being that I remember his best work as a comedian, it was kind of odd. It worked though.

Last but not least, happy birthday Jeremy. I hope you have a good one. And I do miss you terribly.

Well, I know what happened to my former best friend now. He's apparently been conversing with my oldest daughter, the one I've had problems with. (She was not raised by me, but given up for adoption when she was born due to her father hanging himself while I was pregnant.) The biggest problem is that she's apparently a pathological liar. She lies about stuff she doesn't even need to lie about. At one point she tried to ruin the relationship I have with my younger daughter by telling her boyfriend to tell me about conversations she had with the younger online about the younger one being a satanist and basically just a bunch of bull$hit. I have told her that until she can act like a normal person and quit the drama and quit the lying, I want no contact with her. So she started in on MySpace. And I countered. So she sent me this nasty email on June 12.
Get over it Ann...Its all for fun! Jeez....Get a life! Don't get so pissy about some stupid Myspace shit that is going on. Thats so childish. And setting my status message to Stop trying to piss me off Blair was stupid. Your acting like a a teenager. How low will you go to embarrass me? Huh? I would like to know. If you harass me one more time over the internet I will inform my Mother. I told her about your blogs and that was cruel. Please stop harassing me.
Basically she started $hit with me and didn't like it when I reacted. She KNEW what she was doing would make me mad and did it anyway, then gets hostile over my reaction. She has been told by me and her mother not to contact me. Period. But she does it anyway. On MySpace and on Deviant Art and by email. It usually starts with her stirring up things, then apologizing and wanting everything to go back the way it was. I have a tracker embedded in this blog. I know when she accesses it. Apparently she doesn't take into account I know how to trace an IP address. It's very easy. I used to run a computer repair store and I learned a lot of things in that time. It's even more blatant when she does a search through my blog for her name and my youngest daughter's name. So yeah, I know she's been messaging my former best friend on Deviant Art and I got this weird anonymous posting to this blog tonight. It's in reference to where I made a post and told Blair I knew she was on my blog and to stop it.
Well that is certainly an uncalled for, and nutty statement, I knowit is not her for a fact, so drop it regarding her..
You do not know anything about whom has been reading this, most likely it is a foreign nation using a Czech network.
Stop making assumptions, in the field assumptions get a person killed.
They know it is not her for a fact. And I know where this posting came from cause I traced the IP. It was her for a fact. And the posting about the Czech network, I stated that I thought I knew who it was but wasn't sure. Every access from the Czech network came through the link I have to this blog on Deviant Art. Every single one. It might not be who I think it was, but it is funny that I posted that blog on June 30 and then the person in question pops up on Deviant Art on July 15? Coincidence? Maybe. I'm not so good tracing IPs outside the US. I don't understand their networks like I do ours. But without a doubt, Blair ruined my relationship with Marc, tried to ruin my relationship with my youngest daughter and I have a witness to this. Why she threatened my life and lied about it, I don't know. I do know that last summer she came down here and messed up my life, tried to mess up Nina's life, messed up her own life, and pissed off her boyfriend's mom to the point that Kelly can't stand her. She is a very convincing liar. I'm sorry my former best friend is listening to her, but now that I know he is, I know why he flaked out on me and cut me out of his life. Nothing I can do about it though. Maybe one day he will figure out she makes stuff up randomly and enjoys lying. She does end up contradicting herself, so maybe he will catch her and figure it all out. I'll pray for him.

Well, I had a majorly shitty week last week. My ex-husband and I got into a fight because he told me he was going to sell his van and leave the state to look for work. He already owes around $900 in child support so basically I felt he was abandoning his daughter. Of course he turned it all around to where it was just me accusing him of abandoning his daughter and how I'm not a good mom, etc. Then I got into it with my daughter. I made her go camping with me for a couple of nights and she layed into me because she didn't want to go. She let me know how crappy a mom I was and how it was all my fault that we don't have our own home, etc. Of course it never entered her mind that the reason we lost the home we had in the first place is because her dad quit his job and I lost almost $400 a month in child support. But oh well. So all that weighed heavy on me. Then I was speaking to the guy I considered my best friend yesterday. He said a few things that hurt my feelings, more than a little. I emailed him to let him know how it felt. He basically went ballistic, accused me of abandoning him, I was the one who was hurting him (but I bet I was the only one crying) and basically he let me know I had no place in his life anymore. This isn't the first time he's done something like this to me. In fact, it's about the third time this year. So I don't know if I'll be here when he comes back this time. It's kind of like when you have a rock in your shoe. If you leave it there it hurts more and more over time and can end up causing real damage. I love him very much. I love his sense of humor, I love his intellect. I love the way he kind of stutters when he's been drinking. I love him for who he is, not who he could be or might have been. But it seems to me that he sometimes says or does things to deliberately hurt me. I don't understand why he does this stuff. So I'm thinking maybe I need to keep the rocks out of my shoe, no matter how much I might want to keep them.