Well, things went badly. My friend did call and he is still my friend. But that is all. I've gotten very depressed about the situation. I'm in a lot of pain right now. It's not his fault. I can't blame him for just being my friend. I'm the one who screwed up and fell in love. And what makes it worse is that a very clear realization has hit me. Nobody has ever really wanted me. Nobody. Nobody wanted to date me in high school. Nobody wanted to date me in college. Sure, I have had plenty of drunk guys come on to me. They usually wanted me for all of about 15 minutes. Even my ex-husband didn't really want to marry me. He never asked me. So I'm sitting here at the edge of 40 knowing that I will die alone, unwanted. Wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning to face a useless life. Wondering why nobody can see past my ugly exterior to the part of me that is filled with love. It used to have hope there too, but I think that hope is dead in me.

Well, I think I did something bad. I have had some very deep and confusing feelings about a very good friend of mine. And I finally admitted to myself that I was indeed in love with him. Which was very scary for me because I don't want to be in love. Especially not with a guy. I have horrible relationships with men it seems. Plus, this guy is younger than I am, I don't think I'm physically attractive to him at all, he's good looking while I'm fugly, he lives in another state, and I could continue but you can see where this is going. But the whole thing had been getting to me rather badly. I have been trying to keep it under control and last night I had a few drinks and we were talking on the phone and the subject of sex came up and I got upset. I couldn't help it. When I think about an intimate relationship with him I begin to feel hopeless. After a long conversation, I finally told him what was bothering me. He didn't seem to mind. He felt that it could only strengthen our relationship. But I'm scared that it's going to drive away one of the best friends I've ever had. I've had a few brief communications with him online today, but I haven't heard from him otherwise. I suppose if I don't hear from him for a few days, I'll know I drove away one of the few people in this world I call a friend.