Is it me or is it you?

 I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've had people tell me, not straight out mind you but made it clear to me that my presence just my presence, it got to the point where they couldn't stand it. I don't know if it's me or if it was them. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know. When somebody cuts you out of their life suddenly with absolutely no warning, is that me or is that them? I don't know. I had this happen to me with a person I thought was my good friend. No warning just all the sudden I can't be around you anymore. My brother also did this to me. I was staying at his house. For whatever reason despite the fact that I avoided even being in his presence he wasn't tolerating the fact that I was staying in his basement.  He would start screaming at his wife at night about it.  At first I didn't understand what was going on. And the shitty part is that I can't even count the times over the years when I'd pick him up and take him to the hospital or give him a place to sleep.  He never said to me he couldn't deal with my mere presence. It was glaringly obvious.  I have very little self worth at this point.  This happened a few years ago when I was homeless.  I should feel that it wasn't me but it was them. But how is a person supposed to feel about themselves when their presence alone inspires anger?  Yes, both my brother and the former friend had mental health problems.  I should know it wasn't me but I don't.

Machine embroidery

 https://www.etsy.com/listing/251511072/pretty-font-series-201-instant-download?ref=shop_home_feat_4

#embroidery

Meh

 I've noticed a tendency to only blog when I feel bad, mentally or physically. Today I'm wrung out after trying to explain to a very self-centered gay man why women tend to blame men when laws get passed that curtail women's rights.  He was taking it personally and assuming "men" meant "all men".  Nothing is further from the truth.  It spiralled out of control with him getting progressively hostile, taking everything thing I said as a personal attack even though I explained this had nothing to do with him personally.  As a gay man it has absolutely nothing to do with him. Why he felt it did is beyond my grasp.  I patiently explained how most of our elected government officials are old men, leaders of religions are old men and that 99% of women he knew had experienced some type of trauma or mistreatment from men. He didn't get it.  Kept insisting that since 60% of female voters were against this law that we actually had the power in this situation. I hope one day he grows up enough to have some empathy.  As of right now if he were hetero and the last man on earth I wouldn't come within 100 miles of him.

Dead

 One of my aunts had a massive heart attack on Thursday.  She died Monday morning.  She was 78.  One month older than my mom.  My uncle (mom's brother) is 80. This really hit home the reality of mortality to my mom. I think she's a little freaked out about it.  I'm just sad and extremely tired.  I get really tired when I grieve.  It becomes a huge effort to get up and do stuff. But one day we will all be dead.  Death is a side effect of life.  In modern times we are so detached from death we forget that it happens to everyone. It doesn't matter if you want to live forever.  You don't get to choose.

Shot in the knee

 I'm going to get another shot in the knee today.  I was hesitant the first time I got one 3 months ago but it made life so much better. You never realize how much you use your knee until you have so much pain in it that you don't want to use it.  Or move it.  At all. Ever again.  At this stage the last shot is wearing off but it's not anywhere as bad as before the first shot.  So yes, I'm glad to be getting shot in the knee.

Dr Strange

 I think I need to watch it again.  It has an awesome soundtrack.

Ummmmm

 I think I narrowly avoided being hit on by a 17 yr old earlier.  It was a bit odd.  My youngest child is 27...

It's been a while

 I've been busy working on harvesting and freezing or drying food.  I don't want my hard work gardening to go to waste.  I think next year I'll make my food area smaller and my herb area bigger. 

Useless

 Is it useless trying to save the world? I feel like it is. At least on a personal level. I saw an article earlier that animal species are shrinking getting smaller in size. To me this says that not only have we ruined the weather but we're killing the animals as well. I don't think this can be fixed. It's gone on for too long. I guess those people who have been wishing that Armageddon would come will be getting their wish. The problem is it's not going to be what they expect. It's going to be a slow death. I think if I would have realized back in the 80s just how climate change was going to kill the Earth I wouldn't have had children. I don't want them to have to live through that. It's horrible. It's really soul killing to think about everything that that could be done isn't all because of the almighty dollar. When you put wealth above everything else you are killing that everything else. The people with the money are going to live longer. But they're going to end up living in a wasteland. It's horrible. And at 53 years old I hope to God I don't have to see it. 

#climatechangeisreal

Black Lightning

 I've been watching Black Lightning.  Why? Superheroes.  It's very different than other superhero shows I've watched.  I'm loving it though.  Now I  happen to be white.  I'd like to think I'm learning a bit about Black culture.  The problem is that I'm not sure what might be considered Black culture or normal culture.   I grew up  not having much physical contact with my parents.  We didn't say we loved each other really.  So I don't know if what I  see is how  other people are or just maybe Black culture is more physical or affectionate  in families.  Either way I'm seeing family life in a very different way than I grew up.  Kind of wishing I had super powers though.

Still depressed

 I am still feeling unlovable.  I wonder what is lacking in me that nobody wants me.  I know this is me fighting with my own brain but it's seriously a horrible feeling.  Being over 50 and being alone for the rest of my life is depressing. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again.  I haven't had a hug in like 2 years.  Been even longer since I had sex.  It would probably be a couple of weeks before any of my friends noticed I was gone.  Mom would probably notice within a few days and send the cops over for a wellness check.  But otherwise I could die in my sleep and nobody would notice.

Depressing

 I had it out with an ex over text messages last night.  Even though he admitted he was wrong and the way things ended were his fault I still feel like I'm unlovable.  And I'm stupid for believing him when he told me he loved me and wanted to take care of me.  😟

Silence

 The silence is very loud tonight.  My friend's daughter (in her 30s) had her first baby in September.  She and her boyfriend were thrilled.  This week her boyfriend suddenly and unexpected dropped dead of what we believe was a heart attack.  If I could take that pain from her I would.  I've been through something similar so I understand  completely how it feels.  The funeral was today.  My family and I are going to donate to a fund being set up for the baby.  It's the least we can do.  When something horrific like this happens to someone sometimes you just have to be there for them.  You can't fix it.  You can't make it better.  Just be there for them.

We had a shooting here in town this week.  At the city park where all the little league games are played.  They evacuated the park and had some people in custody and we're looking for a couple more.  This is a small town. Things aren't supposed to happen like that here.

Got a text from an ex last night.  Hadn't heard from him in over a year.  Even though he basically admitted he was at fault and apologized it made me really angry.  He had the gall to tell me he still loved and cared about me and always will.  Since I left him because he misrepresented the situation and basically lied about the relationship I'm not trusting a damn word he said and I'm even wondering if he broke up with his current woman or is getting tired of being used by her.  I'm still angry.  🤬🤬🤬🤬

The end

 I don't know if I should bother worrying about the end of human existence on earth or not.  One part of my brain says I should be really worried but the other part says it's too big and you can't do anything about it so why worry. I'm not sure what to do. Crazy dilemma isn't it?

More stuff

 I don't know if quarantine was a good thing or a bad thing. I think it was good in that it made me start examining my life my existence but it was bad in that I was pretty much cut off from everyone in a way. It's very hard to go over a year and not physically touch another human. But it's also very hard to start examining society society's expectations and things like that. I'm hoping that people have learned more about themselves during this time whether they realize it consciously or not. Unfortunately sometimes it's very hard to deal with some of the things that you realize about yourself or that you realize about the society we live in. I know that I have come to believe that our current society here in the United States seems to be to the point where we are no longer a democracy we're in an oligarchy. Our government seems to be run by corporations and or millionaires and billionaires. It's kind of disgusting because almost everyone I know is a wage slave. So many people live paycheck to paycheck it's actually frightening when you realize the scope of it. I honestly don't see this getting any better anytime soon. I know the Democrats want to raise the minimum wage which is good the Republicans do not want to raise the minimum wage from what I understand which is bad. I can't understand how we as a society can call ourselves civilized when you have people out there who are basically slaves to industry. Their jobs don't pay enough for them to survive. Minimum wage is not enough for anyone to survive on. If you are forced to work a menial job just to survive that is slavery no ifs ands or buts.

Garden

 My garden is flourishing.  The peas are almost done so I need to plant beans.  Need to move my plants around a bit once that happens so I have enough room to walk around safely.  I forgot about the peas tendency to cling to the fencing and because of that I have 3 tomato plants I can't move until the peas are done. I've got itty bitty cucumbers on my vines.  Tons of baby cherry tomatoes.  Peppers are flowering.  My herbs are crazy.  As long as it doesn't get too hot too quick I should have a good growing season.

Obsolete

 Anything with a built in, non-removable battery is an item with planned obsolescence.  Fact.  That's part of the problem.  In the US we have a "throw away" culture by design.  Manufacturers don't want you to be able to fix something. They make more money if it can't be fixed.  You throw it out or send it for recycling and then have to buy a new one.  Cell phones, fitness devices, slim profile laptops, tablets, etc. are planned obsolescence items.  Of course these items can be repaired but most people wouldn't know where to start or there isn't a company out there that they are aware of that does it.  Then if you find a place it's not going to be cheap because that's highly specific knowledge the technician has to acquire before they can safely do the repair.  I, personally, would give my business to a company that allows you to fix your device.  Making a battery easily removable still gives the company your business if you can only buy parts with them.  Unfortunately greed has gotten out of control.

Pain

 So I have osteoarthritis. My right knee started predicting the weather.  It hurt all the time and then if it was going to rain it got worse.  So I got a shot in the knee from my doctor.  Which is good and bad.  The good is that it is supposed to kick in 48 hours after I get it and last for months.  The bad is that it takes 48 hours to kick in and I'm light duty for 5 days.  Which none of this did I count on when I bought the supplies to do my roof last month.  🙄 But a friend is doing the roof work for me and I'm paying him but I was hoping he wouldn't have to do it all by himself.  I thought I'd be able to help some.  Nope.  Climbing a ladder is a no-no.  Not that my fat a$$ needs to be on a ladder anyway but it's my roof and I should be helping.

Stuffs

 Been building up my garden, getting prepped to paint my roof and doing some spring cleaning. Saw my doc.  My lower back is worse.  She asked if I needed more pain meds.  You know it's not good when they ask if you want more.  I told her no.  I'll continue just taking one when I need it - right now it's not even 1 per day. I know as it gets worse I'll have to up it but I'm trying to not rush that.  She also asked if I'd be willing to get a shot in the knee for my arthritis since my right knee has been killing me.  I hate needles.  I said yes please do she's going to arrange that.  I've built a trellis for my cucumbers out of bamboo.  I found out that gorilla glue doesn't stick to parchment paper.  It's got to dry overnight but I'll install it tomorrow.  The trellises I'd seen online were not what I wanted and too expensive so I did it myself.  I'm also working on a trellis for some morning glories but that's going to utilize some fencing and two sides of a crib my buddy found for me.  Right now it's a work in progress.  I've got so many tomatoes planted this year I might have to can some.  It's crazy.  My potatoes look good and the hummingbirds are already fighting over the feeder I put up last week.  So things are ok.  The little neighbor kid called me fat and ugly.  Then kept telling ugly at me out the window.  I'm going to throw tomatoes at him this summer.

Long day

 I had a long day today.  Not bad long, but long.  Thank the gods for Cherry Garcia.

#benandjerrys

Tired

 It's been going back and forth between 80f and sunny to 60f down to 40f and rainy.  This is depressing me.  It makes me just want to sleep.  If I just sleep I don't have to think.  Unconsciousness is my friend. It calls to me like a siren to sailors.  That and donuts. They also call to me.

Drama

 There's a house about a block away that there's just a big empty field between there and my back porch.  It's a little after midnight and I hear this woman yelling at this guy telling him to get out and f*ing this and f*ing that.  Didn't hear him at all but if that's his home life I can see why he's all the time sitting in the drive revving his harley for ten minutes before he leaves.

Compliments

 I have recently realized that I rarely ever give compliments. Not because I don't want to, but I don't want to. When someone gives me a compliment I get flustered and uncomfortable.  I've had this dialogue in my head for years telling me how ugly, useless and stupid I am. Then someone compliments me and I don't know what to do about it.  I think they are screwing with me.  So I believe that I don't give compliments because I don't want people to be as flustered and confused as I get when I get one.

Huh?

 So I had this dream last night.  I don't know if I'm only remembering part of it or what.  I was in Australia (apparently). And I had just gone to the bathroom and flushed the toilet.  As I was washing my hands I began cursing because I kept forgetting to watch to see if the water in the toilet went down clockwise or counterclockwise.  Yup.  One of those what the hell was the point of that dreams.

Dilated

 Had to have my eyes dilated today.  It's a nuisance.  I can't see well for hours after.  I ought to just take a nap.

WTF

 Are you ever browsing social media and come upon a post that's either so badly worded or spelled that you have absolutely no idea what it's supposed to mean?  It's like WTF?  I remember when you had to know how to read when I first started accessing the internet. SMH

53

 Tomorrow is my birthday.  I never expected to live past 30.  My body is falling apart.  This sucks.

Forensic Files

 I've been binge watching Forensic Files on Netflix.  I was watching one last night and found a flaw.  They said this guy murdered one of his roommates then sat down to write a suicide note on his computer. They had a forensic linguist determine the guy and not the roommate wrote it.  Ok but you could have determined if there was premeditation by looking at the time and date of the saved note on the floppy disk.  Anyone who has experience with DOS can do that.  (I can't remember what year this took place but you can even do it in Windows.). There was one side arguing it was a accident and the other side saying it was clearly murder.  If they checked the time and date of the file there should be little question of premeditation.  Just saying.

Kentucky

 Went with friends to Kentucky yesterday.  We went to the Elk and Bison prairie near Land Between the Lakes.  I'd never seen a bison poop before.  

Covid-19

 I got my second dose of the Moderna vaccine today.  I don't seem to be having the same side effects as with the first dose.  Everyone has been saying the second dose kicked their ass.  Ok not everyone but quite a few people.  I'm glad I'm done.  Quite honestly the waiting between doses sucked.  I had all that time to read about people complaining the second dose was so much worse. Of course now that I've said this I'll probably feel like hell tomorrow, lol.  On the plus side I'm quite sure my daughter is going to repeatedly stab her boyfriend tonight when he gets home from work.  I got on Amazon last week and bought a 12 pack of those trick knives that are spring loaded and when you stab someone the blade gets pushed into the handle.  They should have loads of fun with those.  She is 27.  Yes I know it's a weirdly spontaneous thing to do.  Yes she was excited when they randomly showed up at their apartment today.  Be weird because normal people are boring.  😎

Aaaaa

 With all the cleaning and planting I've been doing I haven't had time to wallow in existential dread.

Cleaning

 I've been spring cleaning.  Also organizing stuff I still haven't dealt with since I moved in.  And more gardening.  I planted a peach and a dwarf cherry tree.  I'm starting ginkgo seeds.  Apparently they grow pretty slowly.  We shall see how that goes. Had to bring my cherry tomatoes in. It was 72f here today but tomorrow night and the next night we have frost warnings.  Crazy weather.  That's an advantage to growing in pots though, I can bring them in if needed until the danger of frost is over. I've been meditating before bed and it seems to have really improved my mental outlook.  I think the nice weather and gardening have been really helpful also.  I get my second Covid vaccination next week so hopefully I won't get too many side effects and can hold on to this brighter outlook for a while.

Gardening

 It was nice enough today that I got some gardening done.  I even went and bought some plants, although they didn't have a lot since it's still a bit early here.  I've put my tomatoes outside because they were getting too large for the space I had allowed for indoor gardening in the kitchen.  Planted a peach tree in the ground that I started from a pit 3 or 4 years ago.  It was basically root bound and I really wasn't willing to buy a bigger pot.  Next year I'll have to prune it. Did some research and found that peppers and garlic grow well together so I'm going to put some pepper plants next to my garlic once it's warmer.  Planted some strawberry plants too.  And got a small chunk of iris that came from my grandma's house back in 89.  I put that in a pot because I'll watch that to make sure it thrives before transferring it to living in the ground.  Tomorrow it's supposed to rain so I'll have to focus on indoor stuff.  Which sucks because I really enjoyed the sunshine today.

Subconscious?

 One of the weirdest dreams I've ever had was the one where somehow I ended up at a bud judging contest that High Times magazine was sponsoring. (I've never read a copy of the magazine and I'm an occasional user at best - occasional meaning once or twice a year.) So I'm wandering around a fairgrounds with all these booths and tables set up, people displaying their buds and people selling art and crafts when all of the sudden there's Tommy Chong.  He comes up to me and he's got a cooked ear of corn.  He tells me he's managed to cross marijuana with corn and this ear of corn will knock me on my ass.  He says I HAVE to try it.  So I'm like where's some butter? I can't eat corn on the cob with no butter.  We start looking around for anyone who has regular butter.  That's when I wake up and am thinking WTF? So I really have no clue what my subconscious has going on apparently.

Depression

 I got very depressed this evening. I'm not sure why.  I had a good day.  In other news I found out I'm distantly related to someone famous. Kind of cool. And I'm thinking I'm going to give the kids nextdoor swords for Easter. Wooden ones.  The small feral one is either going to love it or go batshit crazy stabbing people. It should make for an amusing afternoon. 😂

Photos

 Took some photos today of tiny flowers in the back yard.  While I was out there some old guy yells at me from his car "you ok love?" I turned around to look at him and said yeah I'm taking pictures. He yells back "ok love".  I was creeped out.

Dream

 I had a nap today. During the nap I had a really weird dream. I don't know where I was but it was a small town like I was lost. These two women took me in to help me. I know I needed a bath really badly. They said we can give you a bath to use but we have to do something first. So the three of us got in this car I don't know it may have been like a chevette but it was four door. Very small car. We went into town and they told me to wait by the car. They said they had to get ready. There was some sort of reenactment that was going to be going on from what I understood. They went into a building and were gone for a while. I was just hanging out by the car and looking around at everything. It a little bit they came back out and the taller one who had red hair was dressed in this gorgeous red dress, like imagine Old West kind of style. Her hair was all done up and there was a hat perched on top just as you would expect. The shorter one was blonde and she had on a pink dress same Old West style. Her hair was now in banana curls. They also both had meticulously done makeup. The shorter one the blonde, had makeup that made it look like she was recovering from a black eye to the left eye. They both had very serious looks on their faces. They loaded a bunch of groceries into the car and then said we need to hurry up and get out of here before they see us. They got into the car and there was too many boxes of Swiss cake rolls in the front for me to get in. The gentleman who had done their makeup and outfits looked exactly like Morgan Freeman - I don't know if he was. It seems like maybe he was actually Morgan Freeman but it didn't seem to be a big deal. He had on a fancy suit and a top hat and had been gotten in the back of the vehicle. So I had to get in the backseat next to him because there was no room for the three of us up front. The problem was was before I got into the car there were these three little girls who started approaching. They were all dressed in dark red dresses. The children look like they were probably four or five years old. They had started pointing and screaming at my two new friends. I stood up held my hand out pointed at them and commanded in a very loud voice STOP. It worked. They stopped like they were frozen. As soon as I felt it was safe I turned and got in the car and we sped away. At that point we were going past a setup downtown with picnic tables. On the picnic tables there was a woman sitting on top of one cross-legged playing with runestones. And there were phones like three or four cell phones that were just laying on the table. As we drove by they started buzzing very loudly like one of those really annoying alarm clocks from the '80s that could wake you out of a dead sleep. And that's about when I woke up. It was very surreal like something was going on that I had no idea what it was but was yet somehow involved and integral to the scenario. Perhaps I should write a short story. 

Busy

 I waffle between being busy and total lethargy.  I get these bursts of energy to do things and then just can't deal for a while.  It's annoying because when I'm busy my OCD and ADD step in and 

Covid-19

 I got my first dose of vaccine yesterday.  I got really tired and achy.  Slept for 5 hours, took my temp and it was 99.4f.  Today I'm still exhausted and achy.  The spot where I got the shot is red and there's a hard knot there.  I don't seem to be running a temperature though.  I got the Moderna vaccine and according to the fact sheet they gave me this is all within normal ranges.  Which is good because for several years there it seemed like if something medical could go wrong it would.  Yesterday after the shot stuff smelled really weird.  That's gone now and everything smells normal again.  I get my second shot in early April. 👍

Mental health

 I'm thinking someone ought to have a psychologist read my blog. It could prove to be a very interesting way of diagnosing me.  Although from other psych evaluations I can tell you I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, autism and extremely low self esteem.  I can say I'm not overly paranoid anymore.  At least I don't seem to be.  And I know I'm not a pathological liar.  Yes, I know one.  It's probably one of the reasons I'm brutally honest with people.  I'm not having a great night tonight. 🙄

I hate people

 This week of seeing people whining on social media about Mr Potato Head becoming just Potato Head and the 6 Dr Seuss books that will no longer be published has just about wrecked me.  Between people blaming the government (democrats) and others just being stupid about it I'm about to quit all social media to preserve my sanity. Nobody was forced to do any of this.  The toy company felt it should be a gender neutral toy. So what?  It's not like the potato came with a penis!!! Get a grip people. Dr Seuss Enterprise, the company that is in charge of the author's legacy, decided the 6 books they are discontinuing were too racial/ political. Hell, I'd never even heard of these particular books!  People who are screaming about this are either totally ignorant of the situation or f-ing racists. Period.

Cleaning

 I am so sick of cleaning. It's the chore that never ends.  There's always something that I need to clean. Last night I vacuumed the house around midnight. I got a wild hair.  I hate vacuuming.  I think it's primarily because you can't really see much of a result when you do it.  Which is why I like the bagless vacuums.  You can see the dirt you are sucking out of the carpet swirling around in there. It's somehow MUCH more satisfying than using a conventional vacuum with a bag.  Kind of like my reward for doing it is getting to see how much crap I can empty out into the trash.  Because otherwise, vacuuming sucks.

Tired

 This month has made me really tired.  I think it's because of the ice and snow. But good news is my brussel sprouts made it through the bad weather.

Crap

 Been stir crazy.  Got snowed in for a few days.  I'm finally able to get out so I'm picking up groceries tomorrow.  I miss having someone to snuggle with but I'm damn glad I'm not in an abusive relationship.  Which seems like the only kind I end up in. Hence no more dating. I just need to decide if I want a dog or a cat now. 

Instant Cloud

 We have snow on the ground with ice on top. Very rare here.  And there's very low temperatures for this time of year. In fact I think the last time I recall it getting this cold was in 2001. Anyway, there's videos of people in cold climates taking boiling water outside and throwing the water in the air.  Poof. Instant Cloud.  So I'm trying it here.  There are two problems. First I'm not totally sure how cold it has to be.  The highest temperature I've seen that it's worked at is 16f.  BUT.  At 16f they had almost no humidity. That's the second issue.  Where I live the humidity is usually pretty high year round.  Earlier this evening it was 15f but 78% humidity. It didn't work.  I'll keep trying though because it's supposed to get down to around 3f on Sunday.  It still might not work because of the humidity though.  But I'll be trying it anyway because why the hell not?

Update: it didn't work.  I suspect that it's due to the high humidity here.

A thought

 I think the worst thing in the world would be to die alone, feeling that the people you loved and meant the world to you had abandoned you.

#sadness

Riley

 My dad's dog Riley is sick.  My dad passed away 5 years ago. Riley has been living with my mom. He's the only dog mom has ever bonded with.  I got pretty close to him when I moved in with them to help mom take care of dad.  He's either got Cushing's disease or fatty liver disease. We don't know for sure but either way it's not good.  I made special dog food for him to help but he seems to really be going downhill.  He's still a happy dog, which is good. I'm not prepared to let him go yet.  I'm really sad about this.  It feels like my life is being whittled down to just me.  Honestly it's scary. I live alone and since the pandemic started I've felt more alone than ever. Losing Riley feels like another piece of me is going away. I'm just not ready for that.

Busy

 I was busy all week. A friend helped me out by assembling some new back steps. Lumber is very expensive.  Anyway, after having been 45f yesterday it's now 31f and snowing.  It's supposed to be extremely cold this week.  I've got lots I could be doing inside.  Cleaning, organizing, sewing... But I don't want to and I'm bored.  

Cops

 I've been thinking a lot about the problem with police.  "Law Enforcement" is a term we hear a lot.  When I was younger I watched a lot of Dragnet. I always assumed police were supposed to "protect and serve".  Now it seems like police are all enforcement and less protect.  More like a quasi-military group than public servants. Why?  Why do we now have police who fancy themselves as enforcers rather than servants? I read in the news about people being killed by police.  Sometimes the person is unarmed and the situation didn't need to end in the person's death.  Other people will say "but they have this criminal record...". So?  Does having a prior criminal record mean the police get to kill you? Or does the color of your skin mean the police are more likely to kill you? What the hell is wrong with this picture?  Are we hiring the wrong people to be police officers? Should we institute a mandatory mental health screening for people applying to be police officers to make sure we don't hire racists or psychopaths who feel no guilt or remorse for hurting or killing someone needlessly? I don't have a clear answer here.  I know it needs to stop.

Meh

 I'm in a crappy mood. Yesterday was beautiful. I had a good day. Went driving with a friend. Got a picture of an eagle in it's nest. Discovered new signs at the wildlife refuge about buried ordinance. Today it's raining and I'm in a shit mood.  It's amazing how much of an effect weather can have on mood.

Glasses

 I ordered a pair of glasses online.  I used a company I'd used before. This is the first pair I've ever ordered that have the transition type lenses (they darken when you are in bright light). The order was completed and sent.  Expected arrival was Monday. I have the USPS tracking number. It tracks to a facility in California, leaves that facility and nothing.  I get a message that my package is still in transit to the next facility but that's it. It's been saying this for two days. Ordinarily I have the utmost respect for the postal system but right now I'm climbing the walls waiting for my glasses. Trump screwed all of us by screwing up the postal system. I just don't understand how Americans got so damn gullible that they believed this guy was fixing things. He broke way more than he fixed.

Reality

 I've decided that reality is bullshit. Why? Because everyone's reality is different.  Granted there are a few universal truths, but mostly reality is such a subjective experience that it's impossible to truly define. I read a quote once (can't remember who it was attributed to) that if you are a fish and you are judged on your ability to climb a tree then you will feel like a failure.  Quite true because the reality for the fish is vastly different than any other being.  Humans are all so radically different that we can't judge people by any standards because mostly standards are not actually standard depending on who and what and where you are.

Babylon 5

 Mira Furlan died today. I knew her as Delenn on Babylon 5.  She was only 65.  They said in the article I read that she died from complications from West Nile Virus. Ironic that she would die of something other than Covid-19 during a pandemic. Her character on B5 was an inspiration to me.  I don't think my brain will properly process this for a while yet.  It's almost as if I've lost an old friend, even though I'd never met the actress in person. Along with Star Trek, Babylon 5 gave me hope that humans would ride above their greed and pettiness and make it out into the stars. 

Garden

 I do container gardening.  I live in an area that had coal mines and since I'm not sure what might be in the soil I buy dirt.  If you are thinking that's crazy it's actually not.  There's a man made lake about 10 miles from my house that they found high amounts of PCBs in the water back in the late 80s.  They told people to restrict eating the fish they catch out of the lake.  So yeah.  I'm not someone who insists on organic, I just don't want to be poisoned.  Anyway today was a nice day and I had a friend come over and help me with expanding my garden area.  My lot isn't big so I expanded lengthwise down the side of the house.  I'm buying more paving stones next week along with more dirt and the lumber I need to build new back steps.  We pulled up a bunch of pavers and put weed barrier fabric down and temporarily took my chicken wire fence down. I live next to a field and there are a lot of deer and other animals that go through there at night.  I'd rather they didn't eat my garden.  So I got a lot accomplished today.

Cousin

 One of my cousins died yesterday.  All we know is he died at home.  He was probably 10 years younger than me and apparently a bad alcoholic. He was also a Trump supporter so I haven't had any contact with him in a couple of years. I hope he finds the peace that apparently eluded him in life.

Letterkenny

 I'm rationing season 9 of Letterkenny because I just binge watched seasons 1 and 2 of The Tick and now I have this weird void in my life.  I've watched 6 Underground repeatedly when I'm not up to tackling anything new and I can point out a shitload of continuity errors now, lol.  It's really weird living alone during a pandemic.  Unless I have a doctor's appointment, day and night have no meaning right now.  I need to get things together to sprout some seeds but I haven't brought my potting soil in yet.  So other than those things it's like nothing really matters.  I wonder if a lot of people go through this sort of thing when they retire or if they can stay active and social.  Since this whole social distancing thing might be the new normal it's hard to say.  Mentally I'm feeling better than I had been but it's still not great. I hope older people living alone are doing better.

Depression

 I'm dealing with depression today again. I don't know what triggered it I just know I feel like things would be so much easier if I was just dead. It's like a sadness, a weight, and I don't know why. Getting out of bed is hard. Staying awake is hard. I know I need help. I just don't know what to do about it. I've been doing therapy over the phone. It's not as helpful as it should be. I don't like to mention this to my friends because I know it hurts them. But sometimes I really just need somebody to talk to about it. Sometimes I just need to cry. But I don't want to burden my friends because I feel like I'm already enough of a burden to them the way I am. I love my friends and my family. And I know what it would do to them if I were to hurt myself... but I can't help but think about it. Mentally things are just really hard right now. And I know I'm not dealing with it very well and I haven't been for some time. I guess I just have to wait and see. Either it will come down to me taking myself out one night or things will get better. I don't know. I just feel very lonely right now.

Stress

 Most of the stress I am dealing with I put on myself.  I set these mental goals for myself. Once a goal is set it can literally worry me into inaction.  I have to stop setting these mental goals because most of the time they are unrealistic and just make things worse. I'll get stuff done when I get it done.  

Crazy

 So I started watching The Tick.  So for the first few episodes I was trying to decide if Arthur was batshit crazy or if all this stuff really was happening. Then I started thinking about this theory I'd read about the universe being a simulation our reality not really being real but a simulation that you know somebody like way outside of our reality is has crafted. It makes sense if you think about it. So I'm sitting here trying to decide am I batshit crazy am I living in a world that my own brain has concocted or really what is reality? You can't answer that. As of right now it's impossible for a human being as far as I know to go outside of our reality and look in. So how do we know if we're real? And does it make any difference? I mean we've all played those stupid simulation games where you're building a civilization or you're farming or something right? So what if those people that you're manipulating are somehow sentient on some sort of level that we don't understand. Would it make any difference? Those people that we manipulate might think of us as God but if you think about it we aren't God because we didn't create all of that the programmers created it set it loose let us play with it and they moved on to something else. So what if what humans think of as you know God or gods you know a higher being whatever you want to call it is just the user who's playing with the program? Thinking about it almost makes me feel as insignificant as when I see pictures that show the size of Earth compared to the sun. We are infinitesimal dots. Like grains of sand on a beach. Perhaps not even that significant. Which I guess is why people have such a need to believe in a deity that is all knowing and all seeing. If you feel that there is a benevolent being watching down on you from some mystical realm it makes you feel less alone and less insignificant. Unfortunately this makes some people feel that they are exceptional and better than everyone else. I'm not saying that there is or is not some sort of deity but if there is I think it's like those programmers who wrote the code made the game set it loose so that people can play and they went on to something else.

Ugh

 It's been a hell of a week. I just have had so much going on mentally and emotionally. January 6th was my father's 5-year death anniversary I guess you'd call it. On the 5th I took his dog to the vet only to find out he has Cushing's syndrome. Even though the dog stays with Mom I have a very deep attachment to him. I guess it's like a last living link to my dad. Getting him diagnosed properly and getting him treatment is going to be very expensive. Mom says she will figure it out. It's just got me really messed up right now. So much so that I've even quit following the s*** show that is the Trump administration for the most part. I can't deal with my reality falling apart right now. Because that's what it feels like. I think if we weren't in the middle of a pandemic I would be handling things better, but here we are.  Humans are social animals and even though I'm an introvert I have been craving human contact on a larger scale than the occasional visits with mom. #LifeSucks

Live

 You know what I want?  I want to be financially secure. I want to not have to worry about the government picking and choosing which laws to follow - because make no mistake, laws are for poor people not rich ones. I want a new political party based on the idea that we, as humans, are above the "I got mine so who cares about you" mentality.  But I won't get any of that. So this year I'm expanding my garden and I'll continue to give the neighbors vegetables and hope that one day things will be better. It's hard doing this all alone.  Sometimes I need a hug. A couple hundred thousand dollars would be nice too. Lol.

Toilet

 Yes, now I have two postings with the title of TOILET in a row.  In my mobile home I'm not sure what f-ing genius did this but my toilet is short.  And by short I mean a 3 year old could probably use it without too much of an issue.  I happen to be 5'10" (1.77 m) tall.  I'm large.  I have bad knees.  It sucks.  I need a taller toilet.

#tallerToilet

Toilet

 Lately I feel like this reality is in the toilet and someone is about to flush.  I do have good days but it's like a heaviness on my heart.