Still depressed

 I am still feeling unlovable.  I wonder what is lacking in me that nobody wants me.  I know this is me fighting with my own brain but it's seriously a horrible feeling.  Being over 50 and being alone for the rest of my life is depressing. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again.  I haven't had a hug in like 2 years.  Been even longer since I had sex.  It would probably be a couple of weeks before any of my friends noticed I was gone.  Mom would probably notice within a few days and send the cops over for a wellness check.  But otherwise I could die in my sleep and nobody would notice.

Depressing

 I had it out with an ex over text messages last night.  Even though he admitted he was wrong and the way things ended were his fault I still feel like I'm unlovable.  And I'm stupid for believing him when he told me he loved me and wanted to take care of me.  😟

Silence

 The silence is very loud tonight.  My friend's daughter (in her 30s) had her first baby in September.  She and her boyfriend were thrilled.  This week her boyfriend suddenly and unexpected dropped dead of what we believe was a heart attack.  If I could take that pain from her I would.  I've been through something similar so I understand  completely how it feels.  The funeral was today.  My family and I are going to donate to a fund being set up for the baby.  It's the least we can do.  When something horrific like this happens to someone sometimes you just have to be there for them.  You can't fix it.  You can't make it better.  Just be there for them.

We had a shooting here in town this week.  At the city park where all the little league games are played.  They evacuated the park and had some people in custody and we're looking for a couple more.  This is a small town. Things aren't supposed to happen like that here.

Got a text from an ex last night.  Hadn't heard from him in over a year.  Even though he basically admitted he was at fault and apologized it made me really angry.  He had the gall to tell me he still loved and cared about me and always will.  Since I left him because he misrepresented the situation and basically lied about the relationship I'm not trusting a damn word he said and I'm even wondering if he broke up with his current woman or is getting tired of being used by her.  I'm still angry.  🤬🤬🤬🤬