Consciousness

It's amazing how things can change your consciousness and awareness. Depression, grief, joy, love - they can all have a profound impact on your consciousness and awareness. I am aware of exhaustion, a sense of loss, a lack of concern for my own well being, etc. My consciousness is more like sleepwalking. It's like things aren't actually real. I'm walking around not feeling like I'm actually awake and all this is real. My sense of time is very distorted. I have to keep checking to see what day it is. It's very disconcerting.

Sick

I am physically ill. I don't know if I have the flu or if this is a result of my dad's death. I woke up early this morning because I was trying to vomit. It was horrible. I've been able to eat and hold down toast. It's one week today since we lost dad. I am exhausted and just wish I could sleep. Just sleep. There's too much to do though. Losing a parent is a horrible thing.

A mess

We are going through my dad's stuff and it's a mess. There's so much to do and deal with. I'm glad we have help. My aunt and my sister-in-law are here helping. Thanks god for that because otherwise we'd be lost. Still just such a shock that dad is gone. I'm going to try and make sure all of my stuff is totally in order when I go so my daughter doesn't have to deal with this sort of thing. I'm even going to prepay for cremation I think so she won't have to figure out how to pay for that. You just never know when someone you love is going to suddenly not be there. Love them while you can.