Well, I had the flu for a few days, but I seem to be over it. No puking, thank god. Anyway, now I am feeling really good. Confident. It worries me though. If I'm feeling this good right now, and I don't know why, when am I going to go down the pit of despair and self loathing again? It always happens. I should just try not to think about it and enjoy the now.

I only have two words for you this evening. STARSHIP TROOPERS!!!

I am so tired. I am frustrated with men and life and love. I am a very romantic person. I always hoped for a knight on a white horse to come rescue me from my misery (or the UFO to land and my people take me home...). Of course, that hasn't happened. I was married for 11 years to a man who never even asked me to marry him. Whenever we had a big fight, that usually got thrown in my face. That it was my fault because I wanted to get married. I wonder now if it would have been better if I had been raising my daughter all alone. It would have been harder, but then there would have been so many bad things that could have been avoided. He can be a total asshole. Like on her 5th birthday he never got her a present. He didn't get her anything for Christmas this year either. He's on unemployment. He can't afford it. Well, he can't afford it because of all the vodka he's been drinking since he quit smoking weed. He used to smoke all day every day. We would fight about that a lot. I lost my home of 7 years because he decided he didn't want to work at the factory he was working at anymore. Said it was depressing him. So he quit, right after I told him that if he quit and I wasn't getting child support we would be screwed. Yes. We lost our house. Now I'm basically homeless. I think he did it on purpose. He knew, because I had told him so often, that the one thing I really wanted in life was my own house. He had to ruin the one good thing I got out of our relationship besides our daughter. Back when she was little, I got very sick. Had to have multiple operations because of some gall stones. He wasn't working and I couldn't while being so sick. He wouldn't help me pay my car payment. So my car got repossessed. Nice, eh? I put up with shit like this for years. Why? I loved him. I don't know why in hell I loved him, but I did. Over the past few days he's been pushing my buttons. Had me in tears this evening. My self esteem is shit now, and I am thinking about giving up dating totally because if this is the only kind man who wants to date me, then screw that. I don't need that. I need somebody to hold me, to romance me, to treat me like at least an equal. I've been stood up twice this past month. By a guy who asked ME out. I wasn't looking. So now I feel like hell with that and my ex's bullshit going on. Nobody worthwhile wants to date me. Nobody. And when nobody wants you, it is devastating.