Christmas is coming

 I hate the holidays. I get so depressed because I feel like I'm never giving enough or it's not the right thing.  I feel like a failure. I know my brain is doing this to me but I can't stop it.  😢

Alive

 I'm alive.  Lots of odd things going on.  I've got a lover now.  That lover is much younger than I am. My lover pursued me.  Wore me down until I said yes.  I'm not sorry.  I'm also not advertising the fact that we are together.  I don't want people to judge me because of the age difference. I will note that they have had me so active that I've lost 15 lbs though, lol.

I think..

 I might be dying.  I am so sick.  It's not COVID. My COVID test was negative.  I've been extremely ill since Monday afternoon.  It's Tuesday night and I am not sure I'm getting better.  I barely have the energy to get to the bathroom and back.  Part of me says it's ok to die.  I feel bad for whomever will have to clean up though. Diarrhea, vomiting, sweating so much I'm swimming in it...  What is sad is that nobody has noticed my absence online.  We are more connected than ever yet more alone than ever.

Back here again

 It's been a while since I posted. In the months since I've been here I've been quite busy. I did an interview for a documentary which aired in June, I've had two patches of skin cancer removed, my mom has been having medical issues too so there's that and I've been in physical therapy to help me regain better use of my knee and help with the back pain. So yes, it's been a bumpy ride.

I'm concerned with the overturning of Roe vs Wade.  I've been seeing where states are making it illegal to get an abortion even in cases of rape and incest.  Doesn't matter if it's a 10 year old girl. And what's worse is the penalty for rape is usually quite a bit less stringent than the penalty for abortion. What we are seeing is the fall of personal freedoms for women, especially women of color.  With the degenerates on the supreme court named Kavanaugh and Thomas (both have been accused of inappropriate sexual conduct) I don't see things getting better.  In addition to making sure that a corpse has more personal rights than a pregnant woman, they are eroding the EPA and trying to break down the barrier between church and state. Anyone who has any knowledge of history knows this is bad.  We have a bad SCOTUS after having had an extremely bad president. The US is no longer the country I grew up in. In fact it's no longer a country I really want to be in. This is scary shit people. The problem with a theocracy is that you have several ways it can go.  The first is to end up with a government that thinks the Bible is the literal word of god.  But here's the catch: old or new testament? New testament might not be so bad but old testament says it's ok to have slaves, it's ok to rape, etc.  Bad. Very bad.  The next type would be the government thinks the Bible is suggestions on behavior and beliefs. The issue here is who decides what is law and what is just a teaching story? The irony of the King James bible is that King James was notoriously gay. So, do we base things off King James? Do we dig up copies of Apocrypha? Do we let some evangelist tell us what to believe and follow because he claims to speak for God? Hell, I can speak for god if you want. I can spout off all kinds of mumbo jumbo if necessary. And the scary part is that in a theocracy YOU don't get to choose. You get told. Period. So yes, the US is falling faster than Rome. Next post maybe I'll go on about the climate and how billionaires are basically killing the planet.

Is it me or is it you?

 I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've had people tell me, not straight out mind you but made it clear to me that my presence just my presence, it got to the point where they couldn't stand it. I don't know if it's me or if it was them. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know. When somebody cuts you out of their life suddenly with absolutely no warning, is that me or is that them? I don't know. I had this happen to me with a person I thought was my good friend. No warning just all the sudden I can't be around you anymore. My brother also did this to me. I was staying at his house. For whatever reason despite the fact that I avoided even being in his presence he wasn't tolerating the fact that I was staying in his basement.  He would start screaming at his wife at night about it.  At first I didn't understand what was going on. And the shitty part is that I can't even count the times over the years when I'd pick him up and take him to the hospital or give him a place to sleep.  He never said to me he couldn't deal with my mere presence. It was glaringly obvious.  I have very little self worth at this point.  This happened a few years ago when I was homeless.  I should feel that it wasn't me but it was them. But how is a person supposed to feel about themselves when their presence alone inspires anger?  Yes, both my brother and the former friend had mental health problems.  I should know it wasn't me but I don't.

Machine embroidery

 https://www.etsy.com/listing/251511072/pretty-font-series-201-instant-download?ref=shop_home_feat_4

#embroidery

Meh

 I've noticed a tendency to only blog when I feel bad, mentally or physically. Today I'm wrung out after trying to explain to a very self-centered gay man why women tend to blame men when laws get passed that curtail women's rights.  He was taking it personally and assuming "men" meant "all men".  Nothing is further from the truth.  It spiralled out of control with him getting progressively hostile, taking everything thing I said as a personal attack even though I explained this had nothing to do with him personally.  As a gay man it has absolutely nothing to do with him. Why he felt it did is beyond my grasp.  I patiently explained how most of our elected government officials are old men, leaders of religions are old men and that 99% of women he knew had experienced some type of trauma or mistreatment from men. He didn't get it.  Kept insisting that since 60% of female voters were against this law that we actually had the power in this situation. I hope one day he grows up enough to have some empathy.  As of right now if he were hetero and the last man on earth I wouldn't come within 100 miles of him.