I got narked out last night. I was chatting with my oldest daughter Blair online and she knew I was depressed. I was VERY depressed. And I expressed a theory that maybe one of the times I had come close to death I should have died and then things would be better. And she blabbed on me to Marc. Who in turn went and woke his mom Kelly up who came out to the camper to talk to me. So, needless to say I will not be expressing my depression to Blair again. :P I could understand if I was actively suicidal, but I wasn't. Just very depressed and wasn't wanting to have to wake up again.

I am very depressed. I haven't hurt myself or anything, but I want to. Somehow the thought of making myself bleed seems as if it would make me feel better, even though I know it won't. My mother has the unique ability to make me feel like shit. To make me feel as if I would be better off dead. Nice, eh?

I've become addicted to a new movie. Well, it's new to me. Donnie Darko. Marc told me I ought to see it and I cried for like 45 minutes afterwards when I finally did see it. The story is complicated. It involved time travel, an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, a wormhole, a jet engine, a 6 ft. tall evil bunny named Frank, and this all centers around Donnie. What is really great about this movie is that at one point this girl, Gretchen, says to Donnie, "So, Donnie Darko, sounds like some kind of superhero" and he replies "What makes you think I'm not?". And at the end of the movie, I have to say I think he is really. I won't mention why cause I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it.

I have become extremely tired. I'm loosing the battle against the trivialities of life. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up again. Ever. Just go to sleep and stay there. But of course it won't be that easy. When I die, it will be something horrible like a car accident or a cancer that's painful and lingering. I might step off a curb and get a glancing blow from a truck, just enough to make sure I die by slowly bleeding to death internally. And yes, I know this is depressing. Just think about it from my point of view. I'm the one living this. I suffer from bipolar II as well as a couple of other things and am on Social Security Disability. My mom feels that I should just go out and get a job and that it shouldn't be a problem. I keep trying to explain to her that they don't just GIVE you SSD. I had to fight for two years for it and then I was examined by THEIR doctors and they made the determination. Of course, my mom still treats me as if I'm a teen and I don't know what I'm talking about. She's not happy if she's not trying to manipulate me. In a way, she's like my ex-husband. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. It's always been like that. My little brother was always and will always be her favorite. He could murder somebody and she would forgive him. I look at somebody wrong and it's a major transgression. It's just the way things are with her. She's convinced I don't know how to raise my daughter and doesn't back me up on things. Never has. Of course, my brother and I both have emotional problems and have had psychiatric care. Maybe that's why she thinks her opinion is always the right one with no leeway, cause me and my brother came out so well adjusted. :P

Almost forgot, Happy Birthday to Blair on the 29th and Jeremy on the 31st. Hope you both had good ones.