My former best friend got in touch with me again. And after a long night of talking in which he said some incredibly bizarre things, he blew up at me again and now he has severed his ties with me. Which is why I'm going to take the steps I'm going to. Create a new path. He's gone totally off the wall. He's getting involved with bad people, he's gone into a dictator mentality and I am worried he will get himself killed. I forgive him for this. I really do. I don't think he can help it. But if a friend wrongs you and you won't even let them explain the circumstances, isn't this wrong too? This is one of the things that goes under a list of what I hate. This list is in no particular order.

1. Intolerance
2. Mind games
3. neo-Nazis
4. moral legislation
5. people with no sense of responsibility for their own actions
6. people who blame others for their own actions
7. people who judge without all the facts
8. the government
9. those afraid of change

I'll prolly add to this list as the need arises. I have in the past and continue to admit to the things I've done wrong. I will admit to having done some very stupid things when I was younger. I will probably do more stupid things in the future and I'm sure that's what will eventually get me killed. But the thing is that I haven't given up. I'm not ready to die. My life has been getting better and I have hope again. No thanks to my former best friend. It's almost like the last time we talked he was trying to get me to break down totally. To destroy the self confidence and self worth I have begun to feel in the past month. I've been on psychiatric meds for almost 7 years now. I took myself off them at the end of January. Adjusting to life without them has been really weird. My mind is working so much better it's not even funny. I remember things I had forgotten, things I tried to forget, things I wanted to forget. This doesn't mean I excuse these actions or events. But I remember them in detail now. Despite this, I still am finding life to be beautiful. I have come out of a cloud of self-loathing and am learning how to live again. If my former best friend finds me to have betrayed him for something I did almost 17 years ago, then so be it. That is his faulty perception, not mine. If he can ever clear his head to understand that my holding a secret within me had nothing to do with him, then that's great. But I think it's a Jekyll and Hyde situation, and I can only hope that Dr. Jekyll can regain control before it's too late. I will miss him, but I won't mourn him. He said I was self centered and childish. I think he's the one being childish in that he wouldn't accept an explanation of my actions and has judged me for something that if you want to be technical, somebody else did. I am not the same person I was then. I never will be again. 17 years is a long time. I have changed a lot. And yes, I know I'm going on about it, but I needed to vent some feeling here. I'm sad about the loss of that friendship. But I'll move on. Hopefully I'll even change the world. ;)