August, 2016

Nobody can save you except you. But what happens when you don't want to be saved?

Meh

Meh.

Discarnate Sanctuary | Aminion

Discarnate Sanctuary | Aminion



Aminion is my friend Chad Watson of southern Illinois.  He plays black metal.  This album is almost like an ambient black metal.  He based the album off a paining my dad did in 1978, which is the cover art.

#metal #blackmetal #aminion

Men

ok, I know not all men are assholes. However, that's mostly what I attract. Assholes, users, emotionally abusive, etc. I'm on a dating site. A guy I don't even know sent this to me. I screenshotted it and I'm sharing it around. This is the kind of thing I get at least once a week from people I odn't even know!

I have a job and a car and he obviously hasn't a clue who I am.  WTF???

Depression

I'm not sure if I'm suffering from depression or if it's something more. I haven't dated since my last boyfriend died in August of 2014. My dad died in January. I feel as though I have lost my will to live. It's like I don't care anymore. I have no desire to date. Even the prospect of dying alone doesn't matter to me anymore. It's not that I'm sad, it's just that I feel like I have no reason to go on. I am still helping my mom gather up and sort dad's things. My aunt has been staying here with us but has to go home next month. Things will be very tough for mom then. She's not used to being alone. I'll be in the house but it's not the same. I'm not very sociable. I miss being alone. It is actually a bit stressful to be around someone else all the time. Mom had basically been taking care of dad 24/7. I'd been helping since March of last year. I will continue to try and get her through this but my heart has gone out of a lot of things. It's like I'm in the ocean and I've stopped caring whether I can keep my head above water. An overwhelming tiredness for life is the best way to explain it I guess. And I know nobody is reading this blog really. Which is fine. It's not like I have much that's worthwhile to say anyway.

Hatebeak - The Thing that Should Not Beak

The Lead singer is an African Grey Parrot.

A Glimmer of Hope

Ok, so I was working on figuring out one of the objective lenses today and I FINALLY found one of them online. Bear in mind I've been working on identifying three of them for days now. The one I identified was the LOMO microscope objective that's 40X spring-loaded EAB planar achromat with a numerical aperture of 0.65, designed for a 160mm tube, with RMS threaded nosepieces and a parfocal distance of 33mm. Now I have no idea what that means exactly. I have a vague idea but vague is all. I know this lens runs for $28.00. I REALLY need a microscope optics expert. I feel like this is the labor of Sisyphus eternally pushing a rock up a hill...

Frustrated

My dad's hobby was microbiology. As such he accumulated a lot of microscopes and gear. Unfortunately I know little to nothing about the value of any of this equipment. I am trying to learn but it's not easy. Brands like Lomo (Russian) and Zeiss are the top names in the optics of this sort, but I honestly don't know how to evaluate them for their worth. I have a large number of objective lenses that I don't know which microscope they fit on, if they are interchangeable between the microscopes, what each type is used for, etc. For example, I have one sitting here that says: LOMO, Russia, EAB-40-1, XEO18. On the other side it says: EAB, A 40, 0.65, 160/0.17. I freely confess I have no idea what any of that means. I can't seem to pull up anything on the numbers and letters on the internet that corresponds with the type of lens I'm looking at. It's disconcerting and frustrating. So if anyone who is an expert in Russian or European optics happens to read this I could really use some help. Please!

The Wonder Of It All by 12of8 on DeviantArt

The Wonder Of It All by 12of8 on DeviantArt



This is such a serene scene.  Wish I was there.

Industrial Decay 6 by 12of8 on DeviantArt

Industrial Decay 6 by 12of8 on DeviantArt



I feel empty like this sometimes.

Emotional Exhaustion

I slept all day today. It's been a real struggle dealing with my emotions since my dad's death. I don't know how to feel some days. Overwhelmed at trying to identify and catalog his equipment, anxiety over trying to figure out how to sell some of this stuff, a feeling of being alone like I've never known since my dad was one of the only people who ever understood me and a bit of envy that he's gotten to leave his failing body. I don't cry in front of my mom. I don't want to upset her any more than she's already upset. Trying to keep a handle on all this is taking it's toll on me. I'm exhausted all the time but I don't sleep well. I've been having really weird dreams too. I just don't know what's going to happen. Am I going to collapse? Can I handle my tasks? I have to. Mom knows less about some of the stuff in his office than I do. I know that it's ok to feel how I do but I can't collapse and wallow in my emotions. I have to keep going. I just don't know how long I can.

Sense of Self

I have been reflecting on what has gone on in my recent past, what I firmly believed when I was younger, and the state of the world. I've come to several conclusions. 1. Greed is an ugly thing. If humanity cannot overcome this it will kill us. 2. If you are against helping the poor, the homeless, the people struggling to hold onto life then you are a damn selfish human. 3. If you are not female and cannot bear a child then you have no right legislating laws about abortion or birth control. PERIOD. 4. The big corporations who are polluting our world must be held responsible for their actions. PERIOD. 5. Humanity has begun a process of killing our home that won't stop until people wake up, get a grip and quit being so greedy and selfish. Because that's the culture we are currently living in, a culture where everyone wants to have more than everyone else and they don't care how they get it. People need to learn to live with what they need instead of everything they want. Humans are selfish. Most of them only care about their own self, possibly their families also but their self comes first. It shouldn't. Be content with what you have not angry about what you don't have.

Thistle by 12of8 on DeviantArt

Thistle by 12of8 on DeviantArt



I'm wishing it was spring.

Change

I think I've changed a lot since I started this blog. Of course I've been through a lot too. Today I am not the same person I was yesterday. But I am the person I was yesterday plus today. It's interesting that personality is cumulative, how an hour, a day a minute or a second can add a layer to your personality. I am only vaguely the person I was when I was 18. Sometimes I wish it was possible to go back to being 18 but knowing what I do now. Or maybe what I want is just the BODY I had when I was 18 with the brain I have now, lol. Hard to say. I would change a few things in my life. For the most part though I regret the things I didn't do more than the things I did.

A Busy Night by 12of8 on DeviantArt

A Busy Night by 12of8 on DeviantArt

I miss New Orleans.

Consciousness

It's amazing how things can change your consciousness and awareness. Depression, grief, joy, love - they can all have a profound impact on your consciousness and awareness. I am aware of exhaustion, a sense of loss, a lack of concern for my own well being, etc. My consciousness is more like sleepwalking. It's like things aren't actually real. I'm walking around not feeling like I'm actually awake and all this is real. My sense of time is very distorted. I have to keep checking to see what day it is. It's very disconcerting.

Sick

I am physically ill. I don't know if I have the flu or if this is a result of my dad's death. I woke up early this morning because I was trying to vomit. It was horrible. I've been able to eat and hold down toast. It's one week today since we lost dad. I am exhausted and just wish I could sleep. Just sleep. There's too much to do though. Losing a parent is a horrible thing.

A mess

We are going through my dad's stuff and it's a mess. There's so much to do and deal with. I'm glad we have help. My aunt and my sister-in-law are here helping. Thanks god for that because otherwise we'd be lost. Still just such a shock that dad is gone. I'm going to try and make sure all of my stuff is totally in order when I go so my daughter doesn't have to deal with this sort of thing. I'm even going to prepay for cremation I think so she won't have to figure out how to pay for that. You just never know when someone you love is going to suddenly not be there. Love them while you can.

January 6, 2016

Today, my dad died. He had Parkinson's disease. He didn't die from the Parkinson's though. They believe he had a sudden and massive heart attack out of the blue. He had never had heart problems. He was in a good mood this morning. Yesterday wasn't such a good day for him. Parkinson's is like that, some days are good and others aren't. He wasn't moving well yesterday and a bit cranky. This morning he was upbeat, did his exercises (as far as he can in a wheelchair) and his mind was clear. I went out for the day with my friend. She works midnights so Wednesday is the only day she's got free to go out. We were sitting down to a late lunch when my mom called and told me she thought dad was dying and had called the ambulance. We were about an hour and a half away. We had been checking out flood damage along the Mississippi river. We headed back immediately. Dad was apparently gone by the time they got him to the hospital. My dad was the smartest man I have ever known. When I was a small child he introduced me to art, history, chemistry, archaeology and hundreds of other things that have marked me for life. I sat with mom all evening. We both had phone calls and some of her friends came by. I'm very thankful for that. I stayed and watched tv with her until she went to bed. I'm downstairs now trying to convince myself that it's ok to sleep. I'm exhausted but for some reason I don't want to sleep. I hope whomever reads this had a better day.

An issue of nomenclature and potato soup

Ok, this first bit is a rant. We are talking matter and antimatter. An antimatter proton is called an antiproton, but an antimatter electron is called a positron. Which makes sense but doesn't make sense. A regular proton is positively charged and an antiproton (being antimatter) is negatively charged. An electron is negatively charged unless it's an antimatter electron in which case it's positively charged. My issue is the nomenclature. If you are going to call an antimatter proton an antiproton then why would you name an antimatter electron a positron instead of an anti-electron? I can understand why you might want to name it a positron since it's positively charged but in that case you would want to name an antiproton a negatron, right? This has been annoying me for days. I made homemade crockpot potato soup. I used the Paula Deen recipe: 1 bag (30 oz) frozen hash-brown potatoes 2 cans (14 oz ea) chicken broth 1 can (10.75 oz) cream of chicken soup 1/2 C chopped onion 1/3 tsp ground black pepper 1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened Garnish: minced green onion, Cheddar, shredded, and bacon In a crock pot, combine potatoes, broth, soup, onion, and pepper. Cover, and cook on low for 5 hours. Stir in cream cheese, cook 30 minutes, stirring occasionally, until combined. Garnish with green onion, and/or Cheddar and bacon if desired. I altered it slightly and put in a small package of those tiny ham cubes, and tossed in three slices of pepper jack cheese when I put the cream cheese in. It was LOVELY!

Through The Wormhole

I've been watching this series. It's a really great show if you want to know more about what's going on in the world of physics. And it tends to explain things in such a way that most normal people can understand it. Which is pretty cool. Right now my hero is Miguel Alcubierre. He's come up with a way to make a warp drive. Using it will result in being able to move faster than light without actually moving at all. You warp the space around the ship. I'm rooting for him. :) I'm also a huge fan of Michio Kaku. I was able to attend a lecture of his last year. Very impressive, personable and funny without detracting from the science. It was a great lecture. I recorded it. I might make it available for download at some point if anyone would like it. I think there is nothing to be gained from hoarding knowledge. The more you spread knowledge then then less chaos there ought to be in the world. Although there will always be the stupid people. By this I mean people who don't know anything and refuse to learn. Making a conscious decision to NOT learn is stupid. I will gladly admit I'm ignorant about many things. Ignorance is simply the state of not knowing something. So I make an effort to learn something every day. Let's make that sexy. Learning should be sexy, not stupidity.

The use of words

It's interesting. Sometimes I hear phrases that simply stand out to me. Perhaps it's because you don't usually hear words in that order, or used in that way. I was watching a show and a woman said "maybe it will bring us closer to understanding who God is." Who God is. For some reason to me that seems a bit ridiculous. I think I find it ridiculous because I find that people and the bible tend to anthropomorphize God. Ascribing human characteristics to God seems downright ludicrous to me. I personally believe that god is a sentience that our pitiful human minds can't come close to comprehending. I think people ascribe human attributes to god as a way to try and comprehend god. I don't believe that humans in our present form are capable of comprehending god. I think it's a pretty damn big assumption to even think this is possible. Humans have a seemingly maximum age of 120 years at present. Most will never make that age, but that's about the maximum as far as we know. God is supposed to be an entity that has no beginning and no end. God wasn't born and won't die. God created the heavens and the earth, the contents of our entire universe. There was nothing but god and then because god wished it, the universe came into being. The universe is millions of years old. Billions perhaps. Created all the life in the universe and caused it to evolve. How can a human, who often doesn't understand him or herself possibly hope to understand an entity like that? If you are of a scientific bent, you will also realize that if such an entity does exist that by it's very nature we are actually all part of it. The sun, stars, moon, life, EVERYTHING is part of god. Conservation of Energy/Mass states that the total quantity of matter and energy in the universe is constant. Energy can change to matter, matter can convert to energy (see the atom bomb if you have questions about that part). That means if in the beginning there was only god, then everything in the universe is part of god. God is a force of energy with sentience. So if you can wrap your head around all that then you will understand why I find it ludicrous to hang human attributes like anger, revenge, and smiting to such an entity. I used to watch a tv show called Babylon 5. There was a character on the show that was an alien named Delenn. In one episode she told a human that her species believe that the entire universe was god, that it had split itself up into parts to try and figure itself out. That makes a lot of sense to me.