I had a flash back to the distant past today. My daughter was looking at her teeth in the mirror and my mom said "You know when your mom's adult teeth began to come in she looked at her teeth in the mirror a lot. She was afraid she would turn into a werewolf." I had forgotten all about that. It was just kind of funny.

Well, I've had some pretty severe trauma going on in my life. I lost my best friend and my laptop died. I'll have to send the laptop in for work after I've gotten all my info off it. The loss of my best friend is a little more traumatic though. I have to resist the urge to cry every day. I am going to miss him so much it's not even funny. I talked with him about things I can't tell anyone else. I feel as if my heart broke within my chest and is now bleeding me dry. He took off and left me when I needed him most. I have insecurity and abandonment issues anyway, but this just nailed all that down. The last time I spoke with him he basically yelled at me for expecting certain behaviors from him and basically it was him thinking I expected these behaviors. I did expect that the kindness I had shown him be returned but I don't think that's too much to ask for. This happened on the 15th, right after Valentine's day. I have huge issues with V-Day. I have years of trauma and pain associated with that day and now I have more pain and trauma to associate with it. With what I'm going to lay out here, you can either judge me insane or not. I don't really care one way or another. I've seen the future since I was in 7th grade. It began with dreams that came true, frighteningly so. In my lifetime, I've seen demons and ghosts, heard the mad whisperings of spirits. Does this mean I'm crazy? Maybe. I know the difference between hallucinations a some of the things I have seen and heard. I do hallucinate when I don't sleep for extended periods of time. Anyone will when they don't get enough REM sleep. That is NOT what I'm describing. I tried for years to be "normal". I even had a nervous breakdown at a job a few years ago, and the medications I ended up on made me as normal as I could be. I am bipolar, but this other stuff is beyond that. Sometimes I feel emotions from other people so strongly I can't block them out. My best friend encouraged me to try to recapture these so called gifts. I spent a weekend hanging out with him and being in his proximity woke up things I hadn't remembered I had. I am now seeing things with a terrifying clarity. And I'm scared. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff. Nobody who knows what I'm trying to say when I describe these things. This sort of thing almost drove me over the edge into madness when I was in high school. I don't know how to handle some of this now and I'm alone. I feel as if I have a choice. I can take the high road and work on the side of light, or I can take the easy road and just let go. I want to let go so badly. But I've seen the things that inhabit that stretch of road and they scare me. I am lost and confused and the one anchor I thought I had isn't there anymore. I might eventually forgive him for leaving me like this, but I will never forget it. Right now I'm walking around with my barriers up, worried somebody will find out what I see and hear, decide I'm psychotic and have me committed. I suppose if it comes to that I'll just rave like a lunatic so they will dope me up and I don't know what's going on around me. I'm noticing some very strange physical changes along with the mental too. I've begun to grow coarse black hair here and there, and being that I'm naturally a redhead with very fine hair this is bizarre to say the least. It started with one, and now I've noticed them here and there, the one I grew on my chest freaked me out. It was about 2 inches long, straight and coarse like a dog hair, but jet black. I don't care how close a woman is to menopause I really don't think I ought to have this sort of thing happening. So, yeah, maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm experiencing some sort of weird hormonal shift. Does it matter really? Not to anyone but me I think. Maybe I'm becoming something that isn't quite totally human. Who knows. I know that it's all really freaking me out and I don't like it. And again, the only person I could talk to about this sort of thing is gone from my life. Some might say I need a priest. I think I need a shaman. Or maybe I'll just let go and go down that dark road and nobody will have to worry about it. They say evil can be painfully beautiful. I've never been beautiful. It might be a nice change.