Well, I had posted how depressed I was last night. That's what comes of being bipolar. It sucks. Badly. But my friend Jeremy called and he talked me through the worst of it. He understands the thought processes involved and he calmly and rationally forced me to push back the waves of negative emotions and feelings towards myself and realize that I would get through it and everything would be ok. I have to say he's one of the best friends I've ever had, even though we have only met in person once. If you ever have a friend who cares that much about you, hang onto them. Return their care. Friends like that don't come along often, and it's been about 19 years since I had one that good. Tonight I'm not "good" but I'm ok and on the up-swing.

Check out the video my daughter posted on YouTube. It's her friend Jacob during PE class... heheheh

I am being forced to reconsider existence in this husk of flesh. I know it's not right to just give up, but I don't really have any hope in my life right now. And I need some badly.

I don't know what is wrong with me right now. I think it must be hormones. I'm quite sad over being alone. I want somebody to love so badly it is an ache in my heart. Not that I don't love people, because there are quite a few that I do, and you know who you are. I mean romantic love. A deep, soul penetrating type of love. One that changes a person forever. I probably ought not dwell on it. I have come to the conclusion in the past that I will probably always be alone, except for brief relationships. That doesn't mean I have to like it though. I have a huge well of love to dedicate to somebody and I have no one to shower it upon. I have a need to embrace someone, to hold them when they hurt, to scratch their back when they itch, to be there when they need me. To quell this feeling, I have tried to fixate on physical satiation. It's not working. My heart wants to attach to someone and I can't allow it. Nor can I seem to find someone who wants my heart. Sometimes I think that I will welcome the end of my physical existence simply so this agony will cease. Because it is agony, having all this inside and not having an outlet. Pouring my heart out here helps some, but it's not enough. I can't say all I wish I could because if the wrong person reads this, he/she might think it is pointed toward them, and not who it really is about. I have to keep so much bottled up inside because of the circumstances that I fear I shall at some point explode and end up hurting all involved. But what else can you do when you want to love somebody you shouldn't love at all?