After Life

 I've been pondering what happens after Life. I don't believe in the Christian version of heaven.  I've seen hell and intend on avoiding that (don't ask I can't describe it to you). I rather think I like the idea of Valhalla.  I have fought depression all my life.  Does that qualify me as a warrior?  I'd like to think so. Maybe the Klingon's Sto-vo-kor.  I know there is existence after death.  How much of a sense of self we have I don't know.  My mom told me a weird story today.  She said my daughter called her and was telling her about a weird dream she had.  In the dream she was eating chili with my dad (dad passed 4 years ago).  My daughter complained there wasn't any cheese to put on the chili so my dad told her to crumble up some boiled eggs on top of it.  This is where it gets weird.  When I was young, my parents would go out and stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning (it was the 70s). Mom says when they came home a lot of times they would eat chili and put eggs on it.  I had no way of knowing this.  My daughter also had no way of knowing this.  Coincidence? I don't really think so.  It's too specific. Maybe I'll ask dad about it when I reach the other side.

Shortwave

 I'm thinking about rebuilding my DX-100 shortwave this winter.  I have the service manual and parts list.  I think I can handle it.  My prime lament is that so many of these evangelical radio stations have popped up. I remember back in the 80s listening to Radio Moscow, Voice of Free China, even The Happy Station Show on Radio Netherlands.  I mailed a road map of Illinois to Radio Australia because they were papering their walls with maps listeners sent them. Deutsche Welle was a familiar sound and even Radio Havana Cuba was great to tune in to.  WRNO Worldwide from NOLA was pretty great.  But this evangelical crap is just awful.  I've always felt organized religion was a control mechanism and I fear that them taking over the airwaves like this is contributing to a global "dumbing down" with people fooled into ignoring science and facts because a few wealthy men in nice suits tell them that God says differently.  It really makes me fear for the future.

More Stress

 The county I live in has had new Covid-19 cases rapidly climbing.  They are closing indoor eating at restaurants again.  I'm not sure what else will happen.  Since I only make mandatory trips out I think I'm fairly safe.  It just really sucks.

Sex

 I gave up sex a few years ago.  I'd had my heart broken by the death of a boyfriend and wasn't going to date again.  Then someone I hadn't seen in decades came back into my life.  He represented the situation as a poly type opportunity. This however did not even come close to the reality.  I think he lied to get what he wanted and she had no idea how far down the rabbit hole he had led me.  Heart broken for the last time. I don't date. I won't date. But last night I had a sex dream. I have only had 3 other sex dreams that I can remember that I was actually turned on and enjoying the sex. All the others were me wondering if they were done yet because I had things to do the next day.  Sad, right? But this one was one that turned me on. I'm not sure what that means.  I know I've been starved for human touch for over a year now, which could account for it but perhaps subconsciously I'm still craving some type of physical relationship.  I don't know.

Friends

 It's occured to me that there might be people out there who think I'm their friend even though I've never really talked to them or associated with them in the last 30 years.  This occurred to me because I started thinking about people I consider to be friends (I have two classifications of friends - good friends and people I know who are cool) and I've realized that sometimes you think of someone as a good friend when they think of you as just someone they know.  It always upsets me when I find one I thought was a good friend doesn't feel that way about me.  But my emotions run very deep and I usually am struggling to hide it so I come off as emotionless even when I'm screaming inside. But that's just me.