Here I sit with a dilemma. I have fallen for a guy. Which, as I identify as bisexual wouldn't be bad except I don't want to love a man. My past relationships with men are kind of messed up. That's putting it lightly. I am not sure how I let it happen. I never intended my feelings to go beyond friendship. What's even worse is that I know it won't work. Ever. He is still in love with his ex-fiancee. Plus, he wants children. I'm 10 years older than he is and I don't think I could physically handle giving birth again, not to mention all the other medical issues I have. It would be so much easier if I could have found a nice woman to fall for. I could have settled into some sort of nice domestic relationship and none of this would be happening. Instead I find myself in love with a man I can't ever have. Men have always let me down. Let me down, abandoned me, hurt me emotionally beyond belief. Why this has happened I can't pretend to know. I just know I'm in for a lot of pain, cause it always gets worse before it gets better.

In case you didn't know...



Have a safe and happy Halloween.

Just got this comment in from Anonymous.
"Wow. This Blair sounds like a total bitch! Sounds to me like she should have never been brought to life! LOL! Harassing a child, how rude of her! She should be locked up in a psych ward for life! If they even do that. She should be taken out to the back and shot! I am so sorry to hear that she is your daughter! I think you should just cut her out of your life! Maybe you should have done that to begin with. I would have! What an idiot!"

Well. Seems obvious to me that Blair is having some issues. It's interesting to note that she's never actually apologized to either me or Nina for the lies to us and about us. I think that's cause it's easier to make us the bad guys. I do hope she gets better. I don't want her to end up killing herself like her father did. I am wondering why she thinks I'm stupid enough to think this is actually from some random person and not her?

Yes, I know. It's lame but I've been watching a lot of videos lately. Check this one out!!!
http://view.break.com/382251 - Watch more free videos

Also, a friend of mine turned me on to a black metal album called Grand Declaration of War by a group out of Norway called Mayhem. It's awesome. Check it out.

Moo. Yes, I said Moo. And I meant it too. Found out tonight inadvertently that my older daughter, the one who had to go back and live with her parents, has been kind of harassing my younger daughter on MySpace. This irritates me. Blair basically stirred up a bunch of crap between her and Nina and now seems to be pissed off that Nina's not wanting to communicate with her. It's kind of typical of Blair's behaviour. She seems either unwilling or unable to understand that you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Period. When you lie to and about somebody, chances are they aren't going to want to have anything to do with you. Go figure, huh? She did finally quit trying to chat with me on Yahoo. And thankfully she hasn't called me either. Until I can get over the hurt and shame of her lying and other behaviour, I can't talk to her. I don't want to end up screaming at her like I would love to. She wasn't respecting this boundary, even though I told her quite a few times. Once I mentioned it to her mom, it stopped thankfully. Isn't it interesting that when you set boundaries the person you set the boundaries with seems to end up expecting you to respect their boundaries but not thinking yours are worth obeying? I'm sure this has to do with a maturity level. Marc is still pissed at me because of me trying to get him out of the mental hospital like his mom and he wanted. And he's also pissed that he ran our phone bill up. He wanted to know how in hell he could owe $100 when he was in the hospital part of the month. Easy. It's a shared minutes deal. I pay the bulk of the bill. I pay for me and Nina's line and then I usually charge him $12 to $15. It actually comes out to around $20 for his phone for the month, but I pay the fees and taxes. The three of us share 700 minutes a month. I spent HOURS on the phone this month calling the hospital and organizations who help the disabled trying to get him released. So most of the minutes were used up by this. So he's pissed off that he used his line with impunity, not checking with me about the minute usage and then all the sudden there's a bill for $100 on his line. Guess that is what happens when you quit caring about the people who care about you. I will be moving, so if he keeps the phone and doesn't pay on the bill, I'll have to have his line disconnected. Which sucks, but legally it's all in my name so I'm responsible.