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#art #machineembroidery #gifts #christmas #holiday

Ancient Aliens

Ok, so I needed a break from reality and I've been watching Ancient Aliens.  I find it quite amusing most of the time but there's one thing getting on my nerves.  The guy with the hair, Giorgio whatever his name is, has this tendency to make statements like "at this stage in history, it was impossible for humans to have _____".  It's the blanket statements like that which annoy me.  I would like to take him out in the woods and tell him to start a fire to save his life.  No lighter or matches.  And just wait to see what he does.  I'm not saying that aliens didn't visit this planet at some point.  What I'm saying is that they assume ancient humans were stupid.  Just because WE, right now, don't know how something was done doesn't mean that it can't be done and wasn't done by a technique that might have been well known, even common knowledge at the time.  After all, 100 years ago almost everyone knew how to start a fire without matches.  Do you?  I do but I've lived without electricity and running water (once for a year) so I've learned some of the tricks of living at a lower level so to speak.  To make a blanket statement that it wasn't possible that _______ was possible isn't a statement from a scientific point of view.  It's an opinion, and rather biased at that.  Other than that it's a very entertaining show.

#ancientaliens

Motley Crue

In the beginning
Good always overpowered the evils Of all man's sins...
But in time
The nations grew weak
And our cities fell to slums
While evil stood strong.
In the dusts of hell
Lurked the blackest of hates
For he whom they feared
Awaited them...
Now many many lifetimes later
Lay destroyed, beaten, beaten down,
Only the corpses of rebels
Ashes of dreams
And blood stained streets.
It has been written
"Those who have the youth Have the future"
So come now,
children of the beast
Be strong And Shout at the Devil

#resist

New

I am not a vain person. I don't take selfies. However, an old friend of mine and his girlfriend talked me into buying a new shirt that wasn't a t-shirt. They both feel I need to treat myself how I feel others should treat me. Due to my low self esteem this is tough for me. I did, however buy a new shirt that isn't a t-shirt.

Yes, I know I'm not beautiful but I'd like to think I'm not ugly. Comments?

Frustrated

I know I'm self absorbed on this blog. But nobody talks back, it's just me doing a monologue. I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm 49 waiting to turn 50 in the spring. I lost the father of my first child when he hung himself while I was pregnant in 1989. I was in love with him. I later had my second daughter and married her dad. He ended up being schizophrenic. Divorced, I ended up falling for a guy 10 years younger than me. Turns out he was schizophrenic too but I didn't find out until I moved to Kansas to be with him. It broke my heart because the guy I fell in love with didn't really exist. So about three and a half years ago I met a guy. I wasn't sure it was going to work. But he was nuts about me. Told me he loved me. Cooked and served me dinner at his place telling me "I just want to prove to you I can take care of you". He died a couple of months later as the result of a motorcycle accident. I've NEVER had anyone tell me that. Nobody has ever wanted to take care of me. It's always been the other way around. I get together with someone and I'm the one that ends up taking care of them. I'm old enough now that I'm having doubts that I'll ever meet anyone to be with again. I have a lot to give, but I can't always give and get nothing in return. I'm smart, and other than a few physical issues and some mental hangups (PTSD from past relationships) and I have a lot of love to give. I just need to be sure of who I'm giving it to. I don't know what I have to look forward to anymore. I have always believed I'm ugly. I'm fat (working on that though). I was a member of Mensa when I was 11. At this point I don't have any real dreams left. And my goal is to have some place to live out the rest of my life. Some sort of home. I don't know. I just get so lonely. I feel like a giant loser. I know this is me feeling sorry for myself but this area has such a shallow dating pool I'm not even looking here. I don't know what to do.

Depression

I suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety and OCD. That's just my psychological issues. I've got plenty of physical health issues too but I'm not going into that right now. What I want to know is what to do. I get depressed and sometimes I don't know why. Depressed to the point where I think about how much easier it would be if I just wouldn't wake up in the morning. Not an active death wish, not exactly suicidal, but just an overwhelming desire to stop the daily struggle. I have almost no self esteem, I'm 49 years old, female, bisexual and I live with my mom (I moved in with her and dad to help her take care of my dad - he had Parkinson's and passed away a year and a half ago). I haven't had a date since my last boyfriend died - 3 years ago in August. I feel like I can't talk to my close friends about this anymore. I have a therapist and a shrink, but I don't know how to express my feelings properly. I feel frustrated because I know I'm a decent person. Yes, I've got a warped sense of humor, yes, I'm really smart, yes stupid people irritate me, and I'm afraid of crowds. I didn't used to be. In 2007 I went to see NIN in St Louis. General Admission. Main floor. It was awesome. Today, that would be impossible for me. I can't find it in myself to believe that anyone finds me beautiful or worthwhile. I haven't worn makeup in years. I own jeans and t-shirts. I don't own a pair of heels, dress, skirt, etc. I don't know how to believe people when they tell me I'm a smart, beautiful, worthwhile person because I've had so many people in my life treat me like shit, lie to me, stab me in the back, even steal from me. When you get consistently lied to, how do you know who to believe? How do you vent the feelings of frustration and morbid thoughts when you feel like you can't tell anyone the truth about them? I don't know...

My Eclipse Photos

Eclipse photos. Here and Here I took them in August. I was in the path of totality.

Photographing the Eclipse 2017

I apologize for the unsteady video.  Trying to shoot video while photographing the eclipse probed problematical.

Sadness

I'm quite sad right now.  Our family lawyer, who I had known since high school (he was in our Mensa group) was killed last month.  This was a huge shock.  I hadn't really seen him since he drafted my divorce papers years ago, but I considered him a friend.  Then I found out a friend of mine from the mid 80s passed away in 2014.  This guy was such an awesome person.  He made me think in ways I'd never thought before.  It was a totally platonic relationship.  I was 17 and he was working on his master's degree at the local university.  I always felt he was destined to do great things.  His roomate from his undergrad years contacted me to let me know what had transpired.  Apparently this wonderful man had made life better for an entire village in India.  I know that feeling sad or depressed about a death is a selfish thing.  Both my lawyer and my old friend had done magnificent things in their lives to improve the lives of others.  In a way I feel ashamed that I haven't done as uch with my life.  I also feel futility creeping up on me, like with the world where it is now and where I am as I am now there is no hope of me ever being good enough.  I've always had a problem with not feeling good enough.  I try and do my best to help people out, but I can't work on a scale bigger than person to person.  People who have inspired me through my life seem to keep dying.  I'm only 49 years old.  This makes me feel like I will die alone, having accomplished nothing.  horrible thoughts, I know.  But it's how I am right now.  I pour out feelings here because nobody really takes much of what I write seriously.  Tomorrow I might feel differently but right now I'm in a very low place.

Playing with exposure

Starlite 1 by 12of8 on DeviantArt

A nice photo from my camping trip.  I was playing with exposure times trying to capture the stars.  I succeeded.

#photography #art 

Recovery

Well, I had a hysterectomy.  After a trip to Colorado I had major surgery.  The trip to Colorado was wonderful by the way.  I camped at Carter Knolls, at Carter Lake in Larimer county.  The only problem with this was that I wasn't aware that Carter Knolls is the windiest campground in their camping system.  Which meant that my friend and I had to share his tent.  Which was smaller than my tent.  It had a much lower profile and managed to survive the wind.  Mine would have snapped.  Anyway, it's been two weeks since my surgery and I'm doing well.  My mental outlook has been more positive than it had in a long time.  If you can swing one I recommend it highly.  The downside is the hot flashes but it's a small price to pay for not being on an emotional rollercoaster from hormones.  And the huge plus is that they biopsied it and my cervix and uterus were full of precancerous cells.  So, bullet dodged. 

Dreaming

I had a dream last night.  I was in a big house in a mountain and all these people that I loved were there.  It should have been a wonderful dream. But the whole time I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. It was a horrible feeling.  :(

Ugh

I sincerely wish that anyone else who has the low self esteem and self inflicted mental anguish that I do that I could wave a magic wand and take it all away.  I just really wish I wouldn't wake up anymore. 

Owls

I shot this video back in 2015.  I've been hearing them a lot now that spring is here.  Romance is literally in the air right now.  For the birds anyway.

#owl #nature

Getting away

I know I'm not the most emotionally stable person.  With this in mind, I have decided to try to start saving up some money so I can get a small piece of property in the middle of nowhere that I can live on.  I think it would be best if I minimize contact with the general population.  Since I don't date and have no intention on ever dating again, this is not a big burden on me to isolate myself.  The issue is trying to save up the money.  Anyone with any ideas on how to make some cash, please let me know.  I already sell prints of my fractals and photographs at 12of8, products with my designs on Zazzle, and various items on Etsy.  Any tips or promotions with any of these sites would be helpful.  Let me know.  Thanks.

New Zombie T-shirt on Zazzle

New Zombie T-shirt

It's got a small biohazard symbol on the front upper right and a large one on back with wording proclaiming that you are an official member of the zombie outbreak response team.  How cool, right?  I'm going to buy one for myself actually.  :D

#zombie #t-shirt

2017 Solar Eclipse

Where I live, we will be right in the path of the solar eclipse.  I've always wanted to experience a total solar eclipse and now I get to.  I've only been waiting like 48 years for this.  If you want to see if you will experience it, go here:  US Solar Eclipse 2017

I plan on taking photos and video.  Should be epic.

Twelveof8 on Zazzle

Twelveof8 on Zazzle

Some of my ideas and images for sale.

#art #12of8 #photography #bumpersticker #unique #zazzle

Movies that make me cry

In no particular order.

It's a Wonderful Life - I wish that life was like that.  That people cared about each other like they cared about George.
The 5th Element - The idea that the fate of the world hinged on one woman (a supreme being) being loved.
What Dreams May Come - I've always been afraid that I will end up killing myself and there will be nobody to come save me from hell. 
Untamed Heart - Caroline finds a guy who loves her and falls in love with him only to lose him.  I know how that feels.
V For Vendetta - I wish that I could do something so powerful and great, move people, make my life have a meaning.

I guess this list highlights my negative self image.  I don't get recognized for my photography or art.  I don't get recognized for any of my skills really.  I just am feeling sorry for myself tonight I think.  I don't want to be where I am.  I don't want to be ugly.  I always wanted to be pretty.  Always.  It won't ever be.  Nobody sees me.

Wallpaper

Cheap fractal wallpaper for your computer's background
Cheap Fractal Wallpaper

Free wallpapers for your computer's background
Free Wallpaper

#art #photography #fractalart #digitalart #fractals #free #cheap

Religion

Definition of "Religion"
1[mass noun] The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or god

Ok, now that that is out of the way, on to my small rant.   Religion is a BELIEF.  Not a fact.  Religion is when you believe something to be true.  Science is the set of principles and disciplines that go about proving things to be FACT.  Somehow people don't seem to understand this.  I've heard people actually say "I don't believe in climate change because God is so much more powerful than man how could we do anything to change the world's climate?"  Really?  First, GOD is a belief.  There is no solid proof of a God.  Any God.  Or Gods.  God exists in each person's personal belief system.  I'm not saying there isn't a God or Gods.  What I am saying is that nobody can show me hard proof that there is a God and that He/She/It behaves in the way that the Quran/Bible/Torah/Etc. describe.  When I hear someone tell me that they have a "personal relationship with Jesus" I can only think that having a "personal relationship" with someone who if he existed has been dead for some 2000 odd years now sounds a bit creepy.  If I went to my shrink and told her I had a personal relationship with Buddha/Mohammed/Krishna she would probably make me pee in a cup.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being allowed to believe whatever they want.  I have beliefs about the nature of the universe and it's possible creative force, but it's personal.  I don't talk about it.  I was raised Catholic and lost that faith in 5th grade.  It's a very devastating thing for a child to lose faith in God.  When I think about it, it makes me want to cry because I really wish there was an all knowing, all seeing, loving, caring God up there taking care of me.  I want to be loved and love back something that is bigger, greater and more powerful than anything that has ever hurt me.  Unfortunately I don't believe in god that way.  Now, before I get sidetracked,, I'll get to my point.  Your beliefs are just that.  Beliefs.  Not facts.  It's what you believe to be true.  You can believe your God wouldn't allow climate change all you want and that won't make it a fact.  Sorry.  You can believe that a person who isn't a Christian doesn't have morals.  Again, sorry.  There's no boundary to the things you CAN believe in except your own imagination.  And I don't object to you believing that you found Jesus in a box of saltines, way down at the bottom.  It's your human right to believe what you want to.  Where my objections start is when people start believing that everyone else needs to believe just like they do.  If they don't then they must be evil and going to hell.  Bullshit.  I've been to hell.  You don't even want to know what that's like.  It's ok to believe whatever you want as long as you don't wave it in everyone else's face.  Just like a penis.  It's a fine thing to have one but if you wave it in my face we will have a problem.  And there's the crux of it.  The people who have recently come to power in the USA seem to want to ram Christianity down the public's throat.  Is they had read up on history (or passed high school history class, or perhaps government class) they would know that this was NOT founded as a Christian nation.  It was founded by what was at the time considered radical Christian sects who broke away from The Church of England and other Christian sects in power at the time.  They knew the dangers of mixing government with religion and wanted to avoid the consequences.  And here we are, a bare 200 some odd years later looking at a possible fascist regime preaching alternative facts and pushing Christianity (right wing Christianity which is NOT true Christianity at all).  Because of all this I am sick, stressed, depressed and feel like hope for humanity has just gone down the rabbit hole.  I think that Stephen Hawking is right and we are watching humanity go into decline, possibly to our extinction. 

Alone

Being alone can be heaven and hell at the same time.  I prefer to be alone anymore since it's more comfortable for me.  I've never found my "soul mate", I've quit dating, I've given up on relationships.  I've never met a man who was interested in me beyond what I could do for him.  That's what it boiled down to.  I know I'm not pretty.  I know I'm not Suzie Homemaker.  I'm quite intelligent and talented in the kitchen.  I have given up any pretense of fitting in with the rest of the world.  Why?  There's no point.  I've never felt for any woman like I did for Nancy and doubt I ever will.  Men?  I'm tired of being used.  I'm not a maid or a sex doll.  I'm a person with extremely deep feelings.  The only part I really hate about being alone is that I have always been afraid I'll die alone.  For some reason that makes me sad and afraid. 

Still Haunted

I was on the verge of convincing myself that my being haunted was all in my head.  Then today I have Chinese food and my fortune cookie said "Someone is watching you from afar."  NOT COOL.

Photos

Flatirons by 12of8 on DeviantArt
Nearing Sunset by 12of8 on DeviantArt

I am missing Colorado.
#art #photography #colorado

Haunted

I feel like I'm being haunted.  By someone who I am pretty sure is still alive.  It's disconcerting.