Frustrated

I know I'm self absorbed on this blog. But nobody talks back, it's just me doing a monologue. I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm 49 waiting to turn 50 in the spring. I lost the father of my first child when he hung himself while I was pregnant in 1989. I was in love with him. I later had my second daughter and married her dad. He ended up being schizophrenic. Divorced, I ended up falling for a guy 10 years younger than me. Turns out he was schizophrenic too but I didn't find out until I moved to Kansas to be with him. It broke my heart because the guy I fell in love with didn't really exist. So about three and a half years ago I met a guy. I wasn't sure it was going to work. But he was nuts about me. Told me he loved me. Cooked and served me dinner at his place telling me "I just want to prove to you I can take care of you". He died a couple of months later as the result of a motorcycle accident. I've NEVER had anyone tell me that. Nobody has ever wanted to take care of me. It's always been the other way around. I get together with someone and I'm the one that ends up taking care of them. I'm old enough now that I'm having doubts that I'll ever meet anyone to be with again. I have a lot to give, but I can't always give and get nothing in return. I'm smart, and other than a few physical issues and some mental hangups (PTSD from past relationships) and I have a lot of love to give. I just need to be sure of who I'm giving it to. I don't know what I have to look forward to anymore. I have always believed I'm ugly. I'm fat (working on that though). I was a member of Mensa when I was 11. At this point I don't have any real dreams left. And my goal is to have some place to live out the rest of my life. Some sort of home. I don't know. I just get so lonely. I feel like a giant loser. I know this is me feeling sorry for myself but this area has such a shallow dating pool I'm not even looking here. I don't know what to do.