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Well, I had the flu for a few days, but I seem to be over it. No puking, thank god. Anyway, now I am feeling really good. Confident. It worries me though. If I'm feeling this good right now, and I don't know why, when am I going to go down the pit of despair and self loathing again? It always happens. I should just try not to think about it and enjoy the now.

I only have two words for you this evening. STARSHIP TROOPERS!!!

I am so tired. I am frustrated with men and life and love. I am a very romantic person. I always hoped for a knight on a white horse to come rescue me from my misery (or the UFO to land and my people take me home...). Of course, that hasn't happened. I was married for 11 years to a man who never even asked me to marry him. Whenever we had a big fight, that usually got thrown in my face. That it was my fault because I wanted to get married. I wonder now if it would have been better if I had been raising my daughter all alone. It would have been harder, but then there would have been so many bad things that could have been avoided. He can be a total asshole. Like on her 5th birthday he never got her a present. He didn't get her anything for Christmas this year either. He's on unemployment. He can't afford it. Well, he can't afford it because of all the vodka he's been drinking since he quit smoking weed. He used to smoke all day every day. We would fight about that a lot. I lost my home of 7 years because he decided he didn't want to work at the factory he was working at anymore. Said it was depressing him. So he quit, right after I told him that if he quit and I wasn't getting child support we would be screwed. Yes. We lost our house. Now I'm basically homeless. I think he did it on purpose. He knew, because I had told him so often, that the one thing I really wanted in life was my own house. He had to ruin the one good thing I got out of our relationship besides our daughter. Back when she was little, I got very sick. Had to have multiple operations because of some gall stones. He wasn't working and I couldn't while being so sick. He wouldn't help me pay my car payment. So my car got repossessed. Nice, eh? I put up with shit like this for years. Why? I loved him. I don't know why in hell I loved him, but I did. Over the past few days he's been pushing my buttons. Had me in tears this evening. My self esteem is shit now, and I am thinking about giving up dating totally because if this is the only kind man who wants to date me, then screw that. I don't need that. I need somebody to hold me, to romance me, to treat me like at least an equal. I've been stood up twice this past month. By a guy who asked ME out. I wasn't looking. So now I feel like hell with that and my ex's bullshit going on. Nobody worthwhile wants to date me. Nobody. And when nobody wants you, it is devastating.

Well, I had posted how depressed I was last night. That's what comes of being bipolar. It sucks. Badly. But my friend Jeremy called and he talked me through the worst of it. He understands the thought processes involved and he calmly and rationally forced me to push back the waves of negative emotions and feelings towards myself and realize that I would get through it and everything would be ok. I have to say he's one of the best friends I've ever had, even though we have only met in person once. If you ever have a friend who cares that much about you, hang onto them. Return their care. Friends like that don't come along often, and it's been about 19 years since I had one that good. Tonight I'm not "good" but I'm ok and on the up-swing.

Check out the video my daughter posted on YouTube. It's her friend Jacob during PE class... heheheh

I am being forced to reconsider existence in this husk of flesh. I know it's not right to just give up, but I don't really have any hope in my life right now. And I need some badly.

I don't know what is wrong with me right now. I think it must be hormones. I'm quite sad over being alone. I want somebody to love so badly it is an ache in my heart. Not that I don't love people, because there are quite a few that I do, and you know who you are. I mean romantic love. A deep, soul penetrating type of love. One that changes a person forever. I probably ought not dwell on it. I have come to the conclusion in the past that I will probably always be alone, except for brief relationships. That doesn't mean I have to like it though. I have a huge well of love to dedicate to somebody and I have no one to shower it upon. I have a need to embrace someone, to hold them when they hurt, to scratch their back when they itch, to be there when they need me. To quell this feeling, I have tried to fixate on physical satiation. It's not working. My heart wants to attach to someone and I can't allow it. Nor can I seem to find someone who wants my heart. Sometimes I think that I will welcome the end of my physical existence simply so this agony will cease. Because it is agony, having all this inside and not having an outlet. Pouring my heart out here helps some, but it's not enough. I can't say all I wish I could because if the wrong person reads this, he/she might think it is pointed toward them, and not who it really is about. I have to keep so much bottled up inside because of the circumstances that I fear I shall at some point explode and end up hurting all involved. But what else can you do when you want to love somebody you shouldn't love at all?

Yesterday a friend sent me a summary of an article along with an attached photo. It was about a 5000 year old grave that had been excavated in Italy. It was a young man and young woman buried in an embrace. I had seen this before when it was first discovered, being keen on any archaeology news. But it made me cry the first time I saw it, and yet again when he sent it to me.

My response to his email is as follows:

Yes, I had seen that when they were first discovered, a few months ago. It makes me want to cry. I long for that kind of timeless love, a love I can throw my entire being into forever. To have someone who would want to hold me, even in death's cold embrace. To be able to surrender my heart to someone with the knowledge that they would never intentionally hurt me, would defend me, and take care of me until the end of time. Yeah, I think I gotta go cry again.

Does this make me sappy? Maybe. I think deep down inside I'm an incurable romantic who has never had her notions of "romantic" fulfilled by anybody. Which at this point also qualifies me as jaded and paranoid. It hurts. That is the sum of my existence now tho, pain. Physical and mental every day. I guess I ought to be used to it by now.

I got my cartilage pierced last night. Both sides. I have two holes in each lobe but I hadn't ever had one in the cartilage. It's going to be cool when it heals up. :)

Yeah, I know, not posting regularly. I froze my a$$ off trying to camp this past week. I think I'm going to give in and sleep in mom's basement for the winter. The next 2 months anyway. Maybe 3. It's hard to say. I really can't afford to become ill with all my medical problems. A cold I can survive. If I get the flu it can put me in the hospital. :P

Remember John Lennon today. Keep him in your heart and mind. I'm going to light a candle for him later.

On another note, I have a really sick video for you. If you have ever seen the Hannibal Lecter movies(This one is from Silence of the Lambs), you will appreciate this vid.

My dog got Elfed.....

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1155505470

More craziness from me. I decided to set this all down in writing as I never have before. Might give people some insight on me. Or not. Depends on how open their mind is. As long as it's not so open their brain falls out.

God. It’s a very tricky subject for me. I don’t talk about it much. People here in the “Bible Belt” tend to reject what I say on the subject so I tend to not say anything. But I’m going to lay it all out now. What I believe to be true. Some will get it, some won’t. Some will, of course, totally reject it and call me an idiot. Whatever. I am simply putting down in writing my beliefs for the first time. Let’s see where it goes, ok?

I was raised Catholic. Up until the age of about 10 I wanted to be a nun. Dedicate my life to the service of God. At the age of 10, I lost my faith. That’s a very hard thing for a child to deal with. It went from “please help me God!” to “please let me die” within the space of a year. I’m not going to discuss what happened. It’s too hard to deal with still. I did continue going through the motions of belief until I was in high school. At that point I couldn’t pretend anymore. I began reading about other religions, other belief systems. I got a really weird reputation my senior year in high school as a Satan worshiper. That was as a result of my changing my mode of dress to exotic skirts and cutting my hair short and bleaching it blond. Plus, I was always carrying around a copy of the Necronomicon or some other esoteric book. I was reading them, not practicing them, ok? I was searching for truth.

As the years wore on I mostly devoted my time to science. I love physics. I also love geology, archaeology, art and crafts. Lots of stuff. I can genuinely say that even though I’m almost 40, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I might never grow up. But the more I looked into physics, the more I was amazed. I began thinking in a theological manner to some extent.

There are people who think the world is only 6,000 years old. This seems daft to me considering the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It’s because their church has told them this is so. The number is based on a timeline that was drawn up in the 19th century that is based on the timeline given in the bible. Obviously this doesn’t work for me. It’s based on faith, not facts. I began thinking about it though. If God is a being that supposedly knows all, sees all, is all powerful and created the universes then what is a day to a being like this? If the bible is correct in that God created the world (along with the rest of it all) then there WERE no days before this. So again, what is a day to an entity like this? Does the concept of a day make any sense to it? It is more like one of our seconds, kind of a blink of an eye thing? And for that matter, time didn’t exist before either. So how do we hold a puny human timeline against an all powerful entity? The whole notion of God creating the world in seven human days is preposterous. Not that God couldn’t do it, but trying to squeeze it all into seven human days seems really crazy to me.

So where does this leave me? With the thought that a supreme being took time (once it existed) to create the wonders of earth and the rest of the universe. That entity must have created the rules by which everything exists as well. And that the earth is not 6,000 puny human years old. No way no how. Rational thinking is all that is necessary. But that rational thinking began taking me in another direction as well. The soul. What is it and does it exist? If it does exist where is it? Will I continue with a sense of me-ness when I die? Good questions, eh?

The first one to tackle was the whole soul issue. I believe that all living creatures and some things that aren’t living have souls. It’s quite evident. Everything has an energy field around it. Everything. People, pets, plants, trees, rocks, you name it. That field is not only around it but through it. Kirlian photography is a great example of this. Those people who are gifted in knowing how to look can see it. But is this the soul? I think it might be part of it. When you close your eyes and imagine yourself standing in a green meadow, dotted with wildflowers, and feel the breeze moving your hair you don’t seem to be contained to your skull. It’s an interesting thing once you realize it. You can have a mile long stretch of land in your mind but it doesn’t seem to be contained in your physical self. This is when I began thinking that humans might exist in more than three dimensions (I do not consider time to be a dimension, so bear this in mind during my explanation).

I have been certain since about 1985 that there are many other dimensions. I was 17 and had a friend working on his masters in electrical engineering. We used to get high, crawl out onto the roof with wine, cheese and crackers and discuss science. Yeah, I know. I’m weird. From one of these discussions came the idea for my presentation speech in my senior (high school) Speech class. I built a three dimensional representation of what the fourth dimension should be represented as. Oddly enough, in the summer of 1986 my dad was watching CNN and they announced the discovery that there are more dimensions and showed a computer graphic that looked astonishingly like what I had build out of wire and yarn. He flipped. But I’m digressing here. It finally came to me that we simply do not exist in just three dimensions. This could account for the mile long stretch of meadow in a skull that’s not nearly big enough to encompass even a yard of that meadow. Now I know that the human brain does some pretty weird things. But I do think it’s partially the result of an extra dimensional entity looking at the world through a three dimensional interface. I could be wrong, but unless you can prove it to me, I’m sticking with my theory.

So, we have the soul floating around, hooked into our “reality” though what’s basically a husk of flesh. But what happens at death? Do we continue on? Do we disperse and join the universe? I’m still not entirely sure. I am sure of a few things though. I am sure that our energy continues to exist. Why? Easy. The law of conservation of matter and energy. There is a finite amount of matter and energy in the universe. Sometimes matter becomes energy, and energy can become matter, but for all intents and purposes the total amount is always 100% of what it began as. So when we die and that spark of energy that animated our husks of flesh leaves us, it doesn’t disappear. It can’t. It’s against the laws of physics. It HAS to go somewhere. As to where it goes and what happens, I am not sure. I do believe I have lived before; I have odd memories of past times that I know I didn’t read out of a book or something. It’s possible my psyche made it up in an attempt to comfort me and make me feel as if I wouldn’t simply rejoin the universe and loose all sense of me-ness. I have met people who I feel I have known forever and they feel the same about me. This seems to lend some weight to the reincarnation theory. I guess I’ll find out at some point…

So yeah, there are my beliefs. I believe it. I don’t actually FEEL it, but I do believe it. When you have something very traumatic to you happen and you loose your faith, sometimes I think you can’t get it back. I don’t have faith in God to come save me from anything. But I do believe that entity exists. Maybe some of our people commune with the deity. I don’t know for sure. It would be cool if they did.

I am much better than I was. I am over the whole being stood up thing and am moving on. I'm taking my meds like I'm supposed to again and all is well.

I am feeling very depressed right now. I quit taking my meds. I'm going to start again, but I was so depressed I didn't feel like taking them. I was at the "what's the point???!!!" stage. Guess I will need to talk to my therapist about that. I'm depressed over being alone. I can't seem to connect with men or women very well. And apparently I tend to throw my intelligence right out there and my friend the Doctor tells me that maybe I'm being a bit too up front about that. I know I have a problem with my socialization skills. Part of the problem is that I know that I'm fat and ugly. So I try to use the one thing I have going for me which is my mind. And I am possibly overwhelming people by doing so. I guess I'll have to figure out how to not do that. Without that one thing right out there though, I don't know how anybody would be attracted to me at all. It's funny too. I find people that I could fall deeply in love with. And I know it would be so easy to let go and do it. Those people usually end up being not attracted to me at all. So I end up settling for someone I think loves me. Then it ends up they didn't really love me at all but simply wanted to see what they could get out of me before I lost my mind over it all. It would be easier if I ripped my own heart out, threw it on the ground and stomped all over it. Just get it over with. Then I don't have to wait for somebody else to do it.

By the way, if you haven't done it, stop by my art page at http://12of8.deviantart.com
and make an effort to go check out my friend the Doctor. He's at http://www.myspace.com/omnijones777 and at http://neojones777.deviantart.com. He is a severely interesting guy and one of my best friends. He's a writer and looking for good, solid constructive criticism on his writings. I'm not so good a writer so I can't offer much other than encouragement. Go help the guy out, please.

Today I begin the journey home. I don't want to tho. I love it here. The weather is beautiful and I like being around Heidi and Andy. I miss my brother being around, even though if you try to talk politics to him it's as fruitful as banging your head on a brick wall, lol. Their dogs are great too. Blue is half Rottweiler and half Louisiana Catahoola Leopard Dog and Jack is a Jack Russell. Blue is pretty mellow but Jack is like a spring, would tight and just ready to be let loose. He's actually pretty mellow compared to the other Jack Russells I've met. Oh well. I miss my Roxy and Meow and it will be nice to see them soon.

This is a sad day!

Nov 22, 1718, English pirate, Edward Teach (a.k.a. "Blackbeard"), was killed during a battle off the coast of North Carolina, near Ocracoke Island. British soldiers cornered him aboard his ship and killed him. He was shot and stabbed more than 25 times.

After having stuffed myself silly with Thanksgiving dinner, I have been thinking about immortality. Why, I have no idea. But I've begun to think that with my body in the shape it is in, I wouldn't want to live forever. Not that I have the choice mind you. I have degenerative arthritis in my back, possible rheumatoid in my knees, I have pulmonary hypertension, type II diabetes and god only knows what else going on. I would be miserable. Right now I live with pain every day. To be immortal? That would suck for me. I am really looking forward to the day when it all ceases. Urging death? No, just not wanting to make my stay here longer than needed really. Odd thoughts, I know. Might be from eating that last little slice of pumpkin pie before I had a nap...

Well, I'm almost ready. I have the pecan pie in the oven and the pumpkin waiting to go in. I got a hold of organic pumpkin and am turning that into pie. Most people use the canned stuff. I hate using the canned stuff. It's just not the same as real pumpkin. I'm weird like that. Tomorrow I will do the potatoes and giblet gravy. I do the potatoes like my grandma did and the gravy the way my dad used to. It's going to be good for us.

I wrote this and posted it on my deviantart page (http://12of8.deviantart.com)but I decided to share it here too.

Humans...
I don’t think I understand humans. From a young age I have felt as if I wasn’t part of humanity, but looking in at it. Waiting for my people to come and take me home. As age has crept up on me and I watch myself age, I look as if I belong but I still don’t feel it. Irrational hatred, distrust, war, oppression, they all look foreign to me still. Identifying with animals seems easier. If an animal hurts you, it’s because you threatened or hurt them – pure instinct. If a human hurts you, it can be for personal gain, self aggrandizement, lust, or simply for their own amusement. There is a list of things humans shouldn’t do to each other, outlined in the 10 Commandments. Unfortunately most humans don’t seem to truly follow these. Personally, I do not follow these commandments. I have one personal rule. Do not hurt other people unnecessarily. It works well for me. I wish it could keep the pain at bay, the pain I feel when I see those ugly human behaviors and when I have those behaviors visited upon me. If only humanity could see that the only way to truly grow up as a species is to have the courage to let go of all that, transcend the pettiness of life and become real people.

Well, the weather here in Chandler, AZ is good. I love the evenings here. It's gorgeous at night. I got to go play in the desert yesterday. I picked up a few rocks and dug in the dirt a bit. It's quite different than the dirt I'm used to. It kind of breaks into chunks then if you put pressure on it it disintegrates into dust. I got to see some of the brush I passed on the drive up close. I am assuming it's sagebrush. It's cool. Right now it's almost all dry and brittle. I hope to go out again before I leave. I love rocks and dirt and sand. Yeah, I know, I'm weird.

My dad sent me a link to some info on a new type of solar cell in development. It's going to revolutionize energy production!!! http://www.sciencenews.org/articles/20060603/bob8.asp

I have a very good friend who is a poet, musician, philosopher and an excellent guy in general. Please go check out his page at http://www.myspace.com/omnijones777

In related news, I stopped to visit with Dr. Jones on the way to Chandler, Az. (A very nice change from Illinois, I assure you!) I wished we could have had more time to visit. He is a very interesting man. He assures me we will spend more time talking in person in December. We have been discussing everything from quantum physics to the decline of the US echoing the downfall of the Roman empire. Definitely a guy worth getting to know.

Ok, watch this. This is the $hit!!! I couldn't believe these guys!

Dvinsk Clan - Russian Parkour

Posted Dec 06, 2005

Parkour (or Free Running, as it is known by some) is an extreme gymnastics movement originating in France but now taking the world by storm.

I know, it's been almost 10 days since my last post. I will try to do better next time. I was originally supposed to go to Kansas and pick up a friend of mine and bring him back to camp with me for a while. This ended up falling through cause he had some relatives he hasn't seen for a long time coming up for Thanksgiving so we decided it would be easier for him to just come visit after. In the meantime, me and Nina are trying to talk my mom into lending me her car so we can drive out to Phoenix to see my brother. I'm hoping this works out. :)

Man, I had a GREAT time Saturday night. I went out to eat with my friend Rocky (the same one we stayed with in New Orleans). He got to meet Nina then he took me to go see a movie. I had the best time out I've had in a long time. Usually if I go out I end up driving, being alone, being bored, spending money I can't afford, etc. He drove, took me to a movie and I had a wonderful time. I think sometimes a friend can do you a greater kindness like that than a lover can, ya know?

Here I sit with a dilemma. I have fallen for a guy. Which, as I identify as bisexual wouldn't be bad except I don't want to love a man. My past relationships with men are kind of messed up. That's putting it lightly. I am not sure how I let it happen. I never intended my feelings to go beyond friendship. What's even worse is that I know it won't work. Ever. He is still in love with his ex-fiancee. Plus, he wants children. I'm 10 years older than he is and I don't think I could physically handle giving birth again, not to mention all the other medical issues I have. It would be so much easier if I could have found a nice woman to fall for. I could have settled into some sort of nice domestic relationship and none of this would be happening. Instead I find myself in love with a man I can't ever have. Men have always let me down. Let me down, abandoned me, hurt me emotionally beyond belief. Why this has happened I can't pretend to know. I just know I'm in for a lot of pain, cause it always gets worse before it gets better.

In case you didn't know...



Have a safe and happy Halloween.

Just got this comment in from Anonymous.
"Wow. This Blair sounds like a total bitch! Sounds to me like she should have never been brought to life! LOL! Harassing a child, how rude of her! She should be locked up in a psych ward for life! If they even do that. She should be taken out to the back and shot! I am so sorry to hear that she is your daughter! I think you should just cut her out of your life! Maybe you should have done that to begin with. I would have! What an idiot!"

Well. Seems obvious to me that Blair is having some issues. It's interesting to note that she's never actually apologized to either me or Nina for the lies to us and about us. I think that's cause it's easier to make us the bad guys. I do hope she gets better. I don't want her to end up killing herself like her father did. I am wondering why she thinks I'm stupid enough to think this is actually from some random person and not her?

Yes, I know. It's lame but I've been watching a lot of videos lately. Check this one out!!!
http://view.break.com/382251 - Watch more free videos

Also, a friend of mine turned me on to a black metal album called Grand Declaration of War by a group out of Norway called Mayhem. It's awesome. Check it out.

Moo. Yes, I said Moo. And I meant it too. Found out tonight inadvertently that my older daughter, the one who had to go back and live with her parents, has been kind of harassing my younger daughter on MySpace. This irritates me. Blair basically stirred up a bunch of crap between her and Nina and now seems to be pissed off that Nina's not wanting to communicate with her. It's kind of typical of Blair's behaviour. She seems either unwilling or unable to understand that you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Period. When you lie to and about somebody, chances are they aren't going to want to have anything to do with you. Go figure, huh? She did finally quit trying to chat with me on Yahoo. And thankfully she hasn't called me either. Until I can get over the hurt and shame of her lying and other behaviour, I can't talk to her. I don't want to end up screaming at her like I would love to. She wasn't respecting this boundary, even though I told her quite a few times. Once I mentioned it to her mom, it stopped thankfully. Isn't it interesting that when you set boundaries the person you set the boundaries with seems to end up expecting you to respect their boundaries but not thinking yours are worth obeying? I'm sure this has to do with a maturity level. Marc is still pissed at me because of me trying to get him out of the mental hospital like his mom and he wanted. And he's also pissed that he ran our phone bill up. He wanted to know how in hell he could owe $100 when he was in the hospital part of the month. Easy. It's a shared minutes deal. I pay the bulk of the bill. I pay for me and Nina's line and then I usually charge him $12 to $15. It actually comes out to around $20 for his phone for the month, but I pay the fees and taxes. The three of us share 700 minutes a month. I spent HOURS on the phone this month calling the hospital and organizations who help the disabled trying to get him released. So most of the minutes were used up by this. So he's pissed off that he used his line with impunity, not checking with me about the minute usage and then all the sudden there's a bill for $100 on his line. Guess that is what happens when you quit caring about the people who care about you. I will be moving, so if he keeps the phone and doesn't pay on the bill, I'll have to have his line disconnected. Which sucks, but legally it's all in my name so I'm responsible.

Right now I'm sitting in a McDonalds in Fairview Heights, IL. I'm waiting on my daughter. She's at a H.I.M. concert at The Pageant in St. Louis. I came here to kill some time. I was surfing iFilm and found this beautiful clip. Please go check it out.

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2898721

I have been thinking that I will die alone. I have thought about it a lot. I really would like somebody to share my life with, however I have this sinking feeling that I will never find anybody who shares my feelings and thoughts about life and society and therefore will end up just being alone. And I have made a resolution to keep my nose out of other people's business. I'm not going to try to help people anymore. It's not really worth it. I would really like to become a hermit, but unfortunately I have to deal with people. I was in customer service for years. I think that's why I lost it a few years ago. People are a$$holes. If you keep this firmly in mind, you will sometimes be surprised but never disappointed.

Today I sat and thought about all that has happened. I've come to the conclusion that I need to quit helping people. Every time I try to help somebody I end up getting the short end of the stick. It's not worth it to me. I put forth a great amount of effort and I get paid back by ending up the bad guy. Screw that.

I am tired. I've tried to help Marc. So far it's failed. They have him so screwed up by changing his meds around that he doesn't even know what day it is and he thinks they are holding him longer because I'm advocating for him. It's crazy. He was a fairly stable kid when he went in. Now, I dunno. I'm worried. He won't even call Equip for Equality because he thinks if he does then they will keep him even longer. I would say he's drowning in paranoia. I've never seen him this messed up. I don't know what to do anymore.

Ok, I have reread my account of what's been happening here with my friend Marc, and I found it somewhat incoherent. Here is a summary (with real names replaced to protect those who might be guilty...) of all of it in a somewhat more coherent arrangement.

I basically exploded with anger. I didn't scream or threaten to kill anyone though. Suffice it to say it's been a long week. Marc is still in the hospital and our efforts to get him out have come to nothing so far. He is currently incarcerated in the Clyde L. Choate Mental Health facility in Anna, IL. The problems started last Friday morning, September 28th. When Marc was admitted there, he requested the forms to sign himself out. He was denied this request by staff. From what we understand, he was voluntarily admitted there, so for them to deny him the paperwork constitutes a violation of his rights. The main problem at first seemed to center around the fact that they have 5 working days to let him go once he requests to leave. It's the law. So originally the earliest he could get out would be tomorrow, Wednesday, October 9, 2007. (Yeah, I know, it’s more than 5 days but they are working days and Monday was Columbus Day.) Marc lied to get inpatient so Blair would go in and get help. She refused to go inpatient unless he was with her. It backfired on him and now he's stuck in the hospital and Blair is at her parent's house. Apparently his vivid imagination and years of watching horror movies and playing D&D have sharpened his imagination to the point where the things he said he wanted to do to kill me were so graphic that it scared the people there. The problem is that I could do the same thing. I love horror movies and have done costumes and makeup for my daughter for years. It’s very easy. I have been reading sci fi and fantasy for years and also played D&D. I have an exceptional imagination. To continue, on Tuesday, October 2, I got a call from his case manager. “Kate” (who at no time identified herself as his case manager, I only found this out later) and I were discussing the written and signed statements made by me and Kelly (Marc’s mother). We had written these statements out longhand while we were visiting Marc on Sunday, September 30th. (Marc tried to get Blair into a mental hospital so she can get the help she needs for the depression and lying. Pathological lying. Instead he ended up inpatient and she got discharged. Basically cause she lied to the intake people.) “Kate” and I talked to about it on the phone and she seemed to be talking down to me like I was stupid, or one of the patients there. I wasn't really angry until that. I told her that she could warn staff that a large angry woman would be down to see Marc and I did expect to talk to somebody about all this. Of course, she didn’t take accurate notes and took it down that a large angry woman was coming down to take Marc home. This I didn’t find out until later either. At one point I told “Kate” that I would do whatever it takes to get Marc out of there. She jumped right on that and asked if I was going to break him out. I actually sputtered into the phone. Most people don't make the mistake of assuming I'm stupid. In fact, I informed her that I was not only not stupid but I was also not one of the patients. I NEVER stated I was going to break Marc out. When I came to visit on Wednesday, they got a security guard to wand me. The ONLY time I've been wanded since I've been visiting. I made the comment that they must have been warned I was going to be there. They flat out lied to my face and claimed they ALWAYS do that to visitors. Nice treatment of the public, eh? Then, during our visit, Marc told me he was told by staff (whose names he can't remember because they have changed all his meds and he's walking around in a somewhat incoherent fog) that I was making matters worse for him by making threats and it was going to end up prolonging his stay. I was furious. I had made phone calls all day Tuesday and Wednesday, trying to talk to somebody to get this kid out. Nobody wanted to return my call until Thursday afternoon. “Kate” called back (she is apparently on Marc's treatment team), and I told her about the problems and inconsistencies. That's when I found out she can't take notes and had turned my statement about a large angry woman coming down into me coming to break Marc out. Makes you wonder how these people graduate college, doesn't it? So, then about an hour or so after I get a call from “Kate”, I get a call back from the Administrator's office. I had left messages with everyone and finally was getting some returned calls. I discussed the intimidation (because of my so called "threat") and the fact that he was being held against his free will. I got that whole song and dance about how they can hold a person for up to 5 working days after they sign the paperwork requesting release. I explained all inconsistencies the best I could and she promised me she would look into it and call me in the morning. Thursday evening I talked to Marc and he told me the staff had told him if he didn't withdraw the release forms he signed and put in new ones so they could hold him until at least the 15th of October that they would take him before a judge and he would be involuntarily committed. I told him I had spoken to the administrator and he shouldn't sign ANYTHING until he heard from me the next day. I waited all Friday morning for the administrator to call. She had promised me she would review Marc's case and call me in the morning. Marc had spoken to his mom and told her around 10:30 am Friday morning they had basically scared him into signing the papers they wanted signed. He said they had built all of it up so that he felt they would make him stay 60 to 90 days if he didn't do what they wanted him to. Basically they scared him into signing. I tried calling the administrator's office around 11:00 am and was told she was still down there looking at Marc's chart. Around 12:00 pm Kelly and I hopped in the car and began our drive down. She wanted her son out. The administrator called me as we were driving and began telling me she had reviewed the case. She said that they couldn't discharge Marc because of the nature of the threats made. I told her we were on our way down and would need to speak with somebody because Kelly wanted her son out now. So, we got down there and had to wait about an hour until people could be assembled to talk to us. We talked to the partial assembly of the treatment team (I know they were not all present as “Kate” wasn't there and she is part of his treatment team). We got a lot of evasive answers to our questions and I had to politely interrupt what the psychologist was saying to interject that Kelly has asked a question that hasn't been answered. It was an easy Yes or No question and she never did answer it until I asked it again because she began to ramble again. Kelly asked "Is my son here voluntarily?" Should be an easy answer. The thing we have found out about the mental health system in all of this is that they are a law unto themselves. They can hold you without due process against your will indefinitely if they do it right. And it's almost impossible to prove coercion because lots of judges won't take the word of somebody if he or she is "crazy". So anyway, after a fruitless meeting in which the doctor kind of rambled on apparently trying to explain himself but actually presenting what I felt to be circular logic (Kelly couldn't understand him at all because his accent was so thick, I DID understand him because in my youth I had a close friend from India) and was as non-committal as possible on when Marc might be able to leave, we went to see Marc. We visited with him for a while and then went to leave. When we were going to leave I retrieved a small jar of dirt I had brought with me. They had locked it into a locker for me. I asked if I could give it to Marc. Now, you have to understand, Marc is Wiccan and for him this dirt was a symbol of home. Weird, yes, but I don't make fun of your beliefs now do I? They expressed concern about the glass it was in, so I said I'd put it in plastic and bring it back the next day. Nobody told me I couldn't. I stated it loudly and clearly that I would put it in a baggie or something and bring it back. One of the guys they call "technicians" was the person standing next to me who had raised the concern about it being in glass. His name is “Dumba$$”. This guy has fairly bristled hostility at me since I began visiting Marc. I have never been anything but polite and jovial in his presence. On Saturday I went to visit Marc and left the dirt in the baggie in a locker. The nurse who let me in told me it was contraband. I was like I don't know what you are talking about but they didn't seem to think there was a problem with me bringing dirt yesterday. So she went on to tell me if it wasn't prepackaged like from the store or whatever I couldn't bring it in as it might have drugs in it. I was like ok, whatever. I did tell her the guy who signed me out the day before didn't seem to think it would be a problem. So, it was locked up and I began my visit with Marc. That should have been the end of it, right? Nope. “Dumba$$”, about halfway thru my visit - approximately 3:15- got security down to the floor and drug me out into the hall to have security tell me I can't have dirt and Marc can't have dirt that it's contraband. At this point I began to get really mad. I hadn't raised a fuss with the first nurse and then they drag me out into the hall to lecture me on this. I told them I felt it was a denial of Marc's religious freedom but fine, I wouldn't try to give him the dirt. Well, “Dumba$$” didn't want to just let it go. He was saying in front of security that he never said I could have dirt on me to bring to Marc and was trying to say he had told me I couldn't bring it back, which was a lie. He didn't say a word about it, only bringing up the concern that it was in glass. And as Kelly was standing right there I have a witness. Well, I told him if I shouldn't have brought it he should have told me yesterday and that I felt it was a denial of Marc’s religious freedom and I would publish the details of this on the web. I asked his name and the security guard's name. I got both then “Dumba$$” began to threaten to sue me for revealing his personal information on the Internet. I didn't back down and said I didn't ask your last name. How many people named “Dumba$$” are there in this county??? How am I violating your personal rights by publishing the details of this online? He tried to get in my face but the security guard got between us. I demanded to speak to his supervisor. “Dumba$$” told me that no, I couldn't speak to his supervisor, it wasn't going to happen. Other people got “Dumba$$” out of the hallway and the security guard, a VERY nice and polite man named “Bill”, asked me if he could do anything for me and I told him I wanted to see “Dumba$$”’s supervisor. He went and retrieved her for me. I spoke to her at length about how “Dumba$$” had treated me and she tried to defend him by saying the man was only doing his job. I told her he wasn't doing his job by threatening me. I told her I didn't want the man near me, and that I wanted his behavior towards me on a report. I also told her that I would be writing all of this out and submitting it to the administrator's office. So, I'm hoping this man will be put on administrative leave at least, and at best fired. He was not doing his job; he was using his position to be hostile towards me and a patient.

Now I am mailing a copy of this via certified mail to the administrator of the hospital. I will, of course, put the names back in. :)

Ok, here resumes the tale of our problems with the Clyde L. Choate Mental Health facility in Anna, IL. After talking to the administrator on Thursday, Thursday evening I talked to Marc and he told me the staff had told him if he didn't withdraw the release forms he signed and put in new ones so they could hold him until at least the 15th of October that they would take him before a judge and he would be involuntarily committed. I told him I had spoken to the administrator and he shouldn't sign ANYTHING until he heard from me the next day. I waited all Friday morning for the administrator to call. She had promised me she would review Marc's case and call me in the morning. Marc had spoken to his mom and told her around 10:30 that morning they had basically scared him into signing the papers they wanted signed. He said they had built all of it up so that he felt they would make him stay 60 to 90 days if he didn't do what they wanted him to. I tried calling the administrator's office around 11:00 am and was told she was still down there looking at Marc's chart. Around 12:00 pm Kelly and I hopped in the car and began our drive down. She wanted her son out. The administrator called me as we were driving and began telling me she had reviewed the case. She said that they couldn't discharge Marc because of the nature of the threats made. I told her we were on our way down and would need to speak with somebody cause Kelly wanted her son out now. So, we got down there and had to wait about an hour until people could be assembled to talk to us. We talked to the partial assembly of the treatment team (I know they were not all present as "Kate" wasn't there and she is part of his treatment team). We got a lot of evasive answers to our questions and I had to politely interrupt what the psychologist was saying to interject that Kelly has asked a question that hasn't been answered. It was an easy Yes or No question and she never did answer it until I asked it again because she began to ramble again. Kelly asked "Is my son here voluntarily?" Should be an easy answer. The thing we have found out about the mental health system in all of this is that they are a law unto themselves. They can hold you without due process against your will indefinitely if they do it right. And it's almost impossible to prove coercion because lots of judges won't take the word of somebody if he or she is "crazy". So anyway, after a fruitless meeting in which the doctor, I'll call him Doc. B., kind of rambled on apparently trying to explain himself but actually presented what I felt to be circular logic (Kelly couldn't understand him at all because his accent was so thick, I DID understand him because in my youth I had a close friend from India) and was as non-committal as possible on when Marc might be able to leave, we went to see Marc. We visited with him for a while and then went to leave. When we were going to leave I retrieved a small jar of dirt I had brought with me. They had locked it into a locker for me. I asked if I could give it to Marc. Now, you have to understand, Marc is Wiccan and for him this dirt was a symbol of home. Weird, yes, but I don't make fun of your beliefs now do I? They expressed concern about the glass it was in, so I said I'd put it in plastic and bring it back the next day. Nobody told me I couldn't. I stated it loudly and clearly that I would put it in a baggie or something and bring it back. One of the guys they call "technicians" was the person standing next to me who had raised the concern about it being in glass. I'll call him Dumba$$. This guy has fairly bristled hostility at me since I began visiting Marc. I have never been anything but polite and jovial in his presence. On Saturday I went to visit Marc and left the dirt in the baggie in a locker. The nurse who let me in told me it was contraband. I was like I don't know what you are talking about but they didn't seem to think there was a problem with me bringing dirt yesterday. So she went on to tell me if it wasn't prepackaged like from the store or whatever I couldn't bring it in as it might have drugs in it. I was like ok, whatever. I did tell her the guy who signed me out the day before didn't seem to think it would be a problem. So, it was locked up and I began my visit with Marc. That should have been the end of it, right? Nope. Dumba$$, about halfway thru my visit - approximately 3:15- got security down to the floor and drug me out into the hall to have security tell me I can't have dirt and Marc can't have dirt that it's contraband. At this point I began to get really mad. I hadn't raised a fuss with the first nurse and then they drag me out into the hall to lecture me on this. I told them I felt it was a denial of Marc's religious freedom but fine, I wouldn't try to give him the dirt. Well, Dumba$$ didn't want to just let it go. He was saying in front of security that he never said I could have dirt on me to bring to Marc and was trying to say he had told me I couldn't bring it back, which was a lie. He didn't say a word about it, only bringing up the concern that it was in glass. And as Kelly was standing right there I have a witness. Well, I told him if I shouldn't have brought it he should have told me yesterday and that I felt it was a denial of his religious freedom and I would publish the details of this on the web. I asked his name and the security guard's name. I got both then Dumba$$ began to threaten to sue me for revealing his personal information on the Internet. I didn't back down and said I didn't ask your last name. How many people named ***** are there in this county??? How am I violating your personal rights by publishing the details of this online? He tried to get in my face but the security guard got between us. I demanded to speak to his supervisor. He told me that no, I couldn't speak to his supervisor, it wasn't going to happen. Other people got Dumba$$ out of the hallway and the security guard, a VERY nice and polite man, asked me if he could do anything for me and I told him I wanted to see Dumba$$'s supervisor. He went and retrieved her for me. I spoke to her at length about hos Dumba$$ treated me and she tried to defend him by saying the man was only doing his job. I told her he wasn't doing his job by threatening me. I told her I didn't want the man near me, and that I wanted his behaviour towards me on a report. I also told her that I would be writing all of this out and submitting it to the administrator's office. So, I'm hoping this man will be put on administrative leave at least, and at best fired. He was not doing his job, he was using his position to be a jerk towards me and a patient. He seemed to me to be an obvious victim of a condition called MicroPenis. Yes, this is a physical condition that causes a mental condition. Men with this condition tend to have severe self esteem issues which I find to be translated into hostility towards any female who they feel is not properly subservient to their male authority. I could be wrong, since I've not seen it to even know if he has a penis... Anyway, I will be hand delivering a letter to the administrator's office, not on Monday because it's Columbus day(which is stupid, only schools have that say off) but on Tuesday, the next working day. We shall see what happens.

Have you ever hit a point where you have taken all you can and can't handle any more? I hit that point this afternoon. I basically exploded with anger. I didn't scream or threaten to kill anyone tho. Suffice it to say it's been a long week. Marc is still in the hospital and our efforts to get him out have come to nothing so far. He is currently incarcerated in the Clyde L Choate Mental Health facility in Anna, IL. The problems started last Friday morning, September 28th. When Marc was admitted there, he requested the forms to sign himself out. He was denied this request by staff. From what we understand, he was voluntarily admitted there, so for them to deny him the paperwork constitutes a violation of his rights. On Tuesday I got a call from his case manager. I'll call her Kate. Kate and I were discussing the written and signed statements made by me and Kelly. I, at one point, told Kate that I would do whatever it takes to get Marc out of there. She jumped right on that and asked if I was going to break him out. I actually sputtered into the phone. Most people don't make the mistake of assuming I'm stupid. In fact, I informed her that I was not only not stupid but I was also not one of the patients. I did tell her to warn the staff that a large angry woman would be down Wednesday. Kate apparently can't take proper notes and wrote down that I said a large angry woman (me) would be down to get Marc. I NEVER stated I was going to break Marc out. When I came to visit on Wednesday, they got a security guard to wand me. The ONLY time I've been wanded since I've been visiting. I made the comment that Kate must have warned them I was going to be there. The flat out lied to my face and claimed they ALWAYS do that to visitors. Nice treatment of the public, eh? Then, during our visit, Marc told me he was told by staff (whose names he can't remember because they have changed all his meds and he's walking around in a somewhat incoherent fog) that I was making matters worse for him by making threats and it was going to end up prolonging his stay. I was furious. I had made phone calls all day Tuesday and Wednesday, trying to talk to somebody to get this kid out. Nobody wanted to return my call until Thursday afternoon. Kate called back (she is apparently on Marc's treatment team), and I told her about the problems and inconsistencies. That's when I found out she can't take notes and had turned my statement about a large angry woman coming down into me coming to break Marc out. Makes you wonder how these people graduate college, doesn't it? So, then about an hour or so after I get a call from Kate, I get a call back from the Administrator's office. I had left messages with everyone and finally was getting some returned calls. I discussed the intimidation (because of my so called "threat") and the fact that he was being held against his free will. I got that whole song and dance about how they can hold a person for up to 5 working days after they sign the paperwork requesting release. I explained all inconsistencies the best I could and she promised me she would look into it and call me in the morning. Here the tale stops cause I'm tired and almost asleep at the puter. I'll bring everything up to speed tomorrow.

Ok, my life has hit the fan. Marc tried to get Blair into a mental hospital so she can get the help she needs for the depression and lying. Pathological lying. Instead he ended up inpatient and she got discharged. Basically cause she lied to the intake people. This happened last Friday. Now I've been working on trying to figure out how to get Marc discharged. They changed him from an involuntary (although he was checking himself in) to a voluntary yesterday. They won't let him leave tho. They are insisting they have 5 working days to let him go once he requests to leave. It's the law they say. But since next Monday is Columbus Day, they aren't counting that and so the earliest he can get out is Tuesday. He lied to get in so Blair would go in and get help. But it backfired on him and now he's stuck and Blair is at her parent's house. It has been made clear to her she is not to come here and cannot live here again. It's also been made clear to her that she cannot be in contact with Marc unless she does all the stuff she's supposed to, like seeing her shrink and counselor, taking her meds regularly, getting and HOLDING a job. In the meantime I am trying to get Marc out of the nuthouse. They sent him to the worst one in the area and it's pissing me and his mom off. Blair is the one who had originally told Kelly (Marc's mom) that she wanted to kill me. But they won't accept that Marc was repeating what Blair had said. They are taking it as genuine threats to my life from him. The entire situation is nerve wracking. In addition, the lady I talked to about it on the phone yesterday was talking down to me like I was stupid, or one of the patients there. Her mistake. I wasn't really angry until that episode. I'm going down there in person today and I told her she could warn everyone that a large angry woman would be down to talk to somebody about it tomorrow (today now). So, along with all this drama, I have Nina's school complaining about her hair. That has pushed me over the top. Go to http://www.myspace.com/ninashair and check out the story on that. You won't believe the crap they have put us through over this. Please be one of her friends, put any comments or questions you have up and I will do my best to answer them. Thanks.

Ok. I have come to believe that good things might be on their way to me. It's a first. I got child support cash this month which leads me to believe that maybe I might make it through the winter in my pop up camper. I ought to go where it's warmer but I can't leave Nina.

My brother finally asked his gf to marry him. Heidi is great. We met her this spring. Andy has been married 4 times. We didn't like any of them. This time it's different. We all knew when we met Heidi that she was THE ONE. I'm very happy for them. They are planning a December 2008 wedding and Nina can't wait, lol.

I take photos and create fractal art. Visit my work at http://12of8.deviantart.com/ and buy something. If you see something you like and it's not got a print available, request it and I'll make a print available. Think of it as a charitable cause to help me get though the winter without freezing my butt off.

Ok, having fun now. I'm taking time off to hang out with Nina. Well, kind of. We are at the mall and she is shopping. Lucky for me they have a hot spot in the food court. Keeps me occupied. I'm going to make us Halloween ring tones. It shall be uber cool.

I have the headache from hell tonight. I am not sure why either. I worked my butt off yesterday getting some stuff done in preparation for moving the camper come October 3rd, so I know why my right arm hurts, but I don't know where the headache came from. It's quite annoying. I took it easy today. Had to pick Nina up at noon. She had early dismissal at 11:30 but had Scholar Bowl tryouts till noon. She is pretty confident she made the team. I am too. She's been on it since 6th grade. She might be a pain in the butt at times, but she is extremely smart. I'm usually very proud of her.

Well, now that I have decided to move, I am having trouble deciding where to move to. The nicest places for the money are also the farthest from where I want to be. It's a pain in the butt. There's one that's right where I want to be but it's $400 a month. :P If I had $400 a month to spend on housing, I'd just rent an apartment. I might have to set up a pay pal account so people can send me donations if they wish, lol. Not that I think anybody would. But you never know.

I had forgotten about this...

You know what? I had some jerk leave a comment to the effect that I was wrong. I had a brilliant post up that included 5 different responses to the comment. But I don't care. I took it down cause it's just not worth it to me to deal with the issue any more.

Well, things have been going downhill fast here. My oldest daughter, Blair, has told off her adoptive parents, quit school (her first semester of college) and her job to move down here and move in with her boyfriend, Marc. She is 18 and technically an adult. However, she is not even close to being mature enough to deal with the situation she is now in. Her first week here she basically slept and ate. Oh, and whined. And was clingy (to Marc). Marc and I are both on Social Security Disability. What that means is that neither of us can afford to support her. Marc's mom Kelly works 12 hour days a lot and isn't going to support her either. Kelly said she had two weeks to get a job. She hasn't done any housework till I told her the other day to do the dishes. Plus, she gets in the car and insists on sitting in the front seat with me. But then she turns her entire body away from me, facing toward the door and talks in whispers to Marc. I have told her on a couple of occasions this is rude but she doesn't seem to get it. When you turn your entire body away from somebody like that, it's like you are screaming that you want to be in the front seat but you want absolutely nothing to do with the other occupant of the front seat. Why she can't turn the other way I have no idea. Apparently she thinks this is unreasonable of me as well. And Marc has been running the heat in the house. The air was on when he got up and he insisted it was 50f in the house. Ok, but instead of running the heat, he should have opened windows and put on heavier clothing. I came in the house and immediately began sweating. It was 80f inside. Only about 75f outside. And of course the air had to be turned on in the afternoon because it got too hot in the house. Kelly had told us that the electric bill for last month was $300. Apparently Marc took issue with me telling him he couldn't turn the heat on like that. So he bitched at his mom about it instead of saying something to me. Fine. He doesn't understand that it's not just wasteful but also a slap in the face to his mom for him to be using three times the electricity that could be used and I'm washing my hands of the whole thing. Whatever. Kelly can try to squeeze the extra cash out of him and Blair next month. I will be moving again at the beginning of the month. Between me being embarrassed about Blair acting like a child (she gets ill every time you try to tell her she can't do something - to the point where she forces everyone to see her as the center of attention) and Marc being mad at me for trying to explain to him about the heat, I'm fed up. I'm not sure where I'll end up but it definitely won't be where I'm at now. I love Kelly to death, but I can't deal with them. Best if I leave before I end up hating both of them. I can no longer see a future for the both of them. That sucks, but it's true. Before I could see them together for a long time. Now I don't. Just bad things on the horizon.

Well, I'm still horribly depressed. I don't even know why really, just that I am. I keep wondering what the point of living is. And also whether or not I can manage to think up a way I won't have to wake up anymore. Even when surrounded by people I feel so desperately alone it's not even funny. Maybe it's just my time to go now and this is why I feel so bad. I don't know.

Well, I just keep sinking down, thinking I've hit bottom when I discover that I'm not even close. The past 3 days have been hell. If you know me, then you wouldn't even realize it. I've been doing a very good job of masking it. I've had a lot of problems with my depression lately. My psychiatric nurse said we ought to hike my seroquel up to 75 mg instead of the 50. I know that doesn't sound like much of a difference, but in my case it is. I am very sensitive to seroquel. She told me on Thursday that she would call it and my refills for the rest of my stuff in to the pharmacy. Well, I go to try to get it today and it's not there. None of it has been called in. It's a good thing I went to get my scripts early or I would have been screwed. As it is, I haven't run out of any of my meds yet and with luck I'll have some at least until Tuesday when they should be able to get ahold of my doctor's office. My good friend Jeremy from Kansas has gone off the radar again and I'm hoping he's ok. He told me Thursday night he would have to make a trip, didn't say where or why (not really my business) but I worry about him. I have so few good friends anymore that I don't want to loose the ones I have left. I just pray I will hear from him soon. My youngest daughter Nina spent the night with me last night. It was going very well until right before we left and the toilet overflowed on her. When my friend Kelly got it snaked out she said it looked as if somebody had flushed something they shouldn't have. When I called to ask Nina about it (she had gone home by this time) she lied to me and said she didn't do it. He dad was a really good liar, but she's not quite up to par with him yet. And to put the icing on the cake, my oldest, Blair, is having issues with this guy she knows. He goes by the nickname Serby. Basically he's been harassing her now and then and right now none of us is sure where he is or we would go have a long talk with him. So, with all this on my mind, I feel very low right now. And since I haven't been able to up my meds, I just have to deal with all this. I feel very much like I want to swallow a bottle of pills. The main problem with that is that I've seen my brother OD countless times and he just ends up in the ER getting his stomach pumped or charcoal shoved down his throat. I don't want to deal with that sort of thing. I'm only gonna do it if I'm sure I won't wake up.

I know I've been kind of slacking off in my blogging. I've been a bit depressed again lately and I go to see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. I'm going to see if she can get me an up in my Zoloft. I'm at 75 mg now and I want to go to 100. I don't think this will be a problem. When I get really depressed I tend to forget about things. My memory goes all to hell. It sucks. I hate it because I know I'm fat and ugly and if I don't have my brain, well, then what do I have??? Nothing. Hopefully I'm not depressing you now too. I saw my therapist today and she thinks we need to integrate two parts of my personality that are kind of ignoring each other. I have the "mom" side that is predatory about protecting her kids and I have the "10 yr old" side that stopped right there because of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse I had to cope with when I was 10. The 10 yr old side doesn't seem to interact at all with the mom side and vice versa. What happens is the 10 yr old side takes over and relives old traumas and then the depression hits. I begin to think about how worthless I am, how I don't really matter in the scheme of things and how everyone would be better off with me gone. The mom side of me wouldn't tolerate me saying this about myself, but I can't seem to get the mom side in control of the 10 yr old side. It's kind of complicated. And apparently it's going to take a while to integrate them. I guess we will see what happens. On the bright side, we had sword practice tonight and I didn't seem to get all bruised up. WOOHOO!!!

I hate spam.

Well, I went and spent the weekend in New Orleans with my friend Rocky. I hadn't seen him in about 17 years. He was the same old Rocky. Totally hyper. His friend Johnny B. was more my speed. I liked him a lot. We arrived Friday, I took Marc and Blair with me, and that evening the kids had managed to lock the keys in the car. Marc says it's totally his fault. Well, Most of the day Saturday was devoted to getting said keys out of the car, and we finally had to get a locksmith over to do it. I owe Rocky $40 for that. So we decided Sunday to go to the cemeteries. That was the main purpose of my trip. I wanted to go to St. Louis #1 and pay my respects to Marie Laveau. She was THE Voodoo queen of New Orleans. I got a pic of a painting of her from the Voodoo Museum.
I had even made some special votive candles to light at her grave. Well, unbeknownst to me, the cemeteries now have hours. They are open 8 am to 3 pm Monday thru Saturday, 8 am to Noon on Sunday. I can tell you I was very upset when I found this out. We had decided to leave Sunday afternoon, late, cause it's easier for me to drive at night. Otherwise the glare off the road tends to give me horrible headaches. So my whole purpose in going to New Orleans (other than to visit with Rocky) was blown. I get back and my youngest daughter, Nina starts harassing me by email about how I've ruined her life and taken her friends away. What's really happened is that I told her I was having the state police monitor her online conversations with her friends because she had told her older sister some really weird crap about one of her friends being a vampire princess and this guy being an angel and how he had told her that her right arm was evil and that she had the powers of an elemental. Totally bizarre. I called to ask her what was going on and she proceeded to cuss me out. And then I guess she told grandma all about how Blair and I were out to get her and that Blair was making all this up, etc. So my mom has been threatening and hostile to me, while Nina goes about her life relatively unsupervised at the age of 13. Nina doesn't accept that she has caused her own problems. She has to blame somebody else all the time. I'm about sick of it. I'm torn between wanting to kill myself and talking to DCFS about putting her in foster care. I have been doing the best I can under the circumstances but neither she nor my mom seem to appreciate that. My mom has a superior knack of not only invalidating me but making me feel as if I am the worst person in history. She accuses me of being manipulative and mean but it's actually her that's the manipulative and mean one. She can't see it tho. She never learned to look at things very objectively. She sees things the way she wants to and if that's not how things are then YOU are wrong, not her. It's no wonder I have a tentative grasp on sanity.

I got narked out last night. I was chatting with my oldest daughter Blair online and she knew I was depressed. I was VERY depressed. And I expressed a theory that maybe one of the times I had come close to death I should have died and then things would be better. And she blabbed on me to Marc. Who in turn went and woke his mom Kelly up who came out to the camper to talk to me. So, needless to say I will not be expressing my depression to Blair again. :P I could understand if I was actively suicidal, but I wasn't. Just very depressed and wasn't wanting to have to wake up again.

I am very depressed. I haven't hurt myself or anything, but I want to. Somehow the thought of making myself bleed seems as if it would make me feel better, even though I know it won't. My mother has the unique ability to make me feel like shit. To make me feel as if I would be better off dead. Nice, eh?

I've become addicted to a new movie. Well, it's new to me. Donnie Darko. Marc told me I ought to see it and I cried for like 45 minutes afterwards when I finally did see it. The story is complicated. It involved time travel, an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, a wormhole, a jet engine, a 6 ft. tall evil bunny named Frank, and this all centers around Donnie. What is really great about this movie is that at one point this girl, Gretchen, says to Donnie, "So, Donnie Darko, sounds like some kind of superhero" and he replies "What makes you think I'm not?". And at the end of the movie, I have to say I think he is really. I won't mention why cause I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it.

I have become extremely tired. I'm loosing the battle against the trivialities of life. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up again. Ever. Just go to sleep and stay there. But of course it won't be that easy. When I die, it will be something horrible like a car accident or a cancer that's painful and lingering. I might step off a curb and get a glancing blow from a truck, just enough to make sure I die by slowly bleeding to death internally. And yes, I know this is depressing. Just think about it from my point of view. I'm the one living this. I suffer from bipolar II as well as a couple of other things and am on Social Security Disability. My mom feels that I should just go out and get a job and that it shouldn't be a problem. I keep trying to explain to her that they don't just GIVE you SSD. I had to fight for two years for it and then I was examined by THEIR doctors and they made the determination. Of course, my mom still treats me as if I'm a teen and I don't know what I'm talking about. She's not happy if she's not trying to manipulate me. In a way, she's like my ex-husband. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. It's always been like that. My little brother was always and will always be her favorite. He could murder somebody and she would forgive him. I look at somebody wrong and it's a major transgression. It's just the way things are with her. She's convinced I don't know how to raise my daughter and doesn't back me up on things. Never has. Of course, my brother and I both have emotional problems and have had psychiatric care. Maybe that's why she thinks her opinion is always the right one with no leeway, cause me and my brother came out so well adjusted. :P

Almost forgot, Happy Birthday to Blair on the 29th and Jeremy on the 31st. Hope you both had good ones.

I don't understand people. They tell you one thing and then they do something else. It's almost as if it's socially acceptable to break promises so long as the breaker feels it's the right thing to do. All very subjective I guess. And not at all how I was raised.

Well. It's raining. And as my dog tore out the canvas on the camper at the foot of my bed, I'm thinking my bed will be soaked. This does not make me happy. I wanted to sleep outside tonight. I don't care for sleeping indoors unless I have to. And yes, I know I'm weird. Not only am I weird, but I'm quite pissed off tonight. Lots of stuff going on. My car is broke down, I had to tell off my personal physician this morning and now have to find a new doctor, I've been sent bills from a doctor's office that apparently didn't bother to bill my insurance... And on top of it all I need physical companionship. Somebody other than my dog to curl up with for an evening. To feel that warmth that comes from being held by someone while you sleep. Unfortunately I am alone and will most likely remain so. I have gotten to the point where I can't even imagine wanting to date a man, especially a man from this area. And I have no idea on how to pick up chicks. So there we go.

Why are men stubborn? I will freely admit I'm more stubborn than a lot of men, however for some reason men seem to be excruciatingly pig headed about some things. Like if I tell one specifically to not do something, explain exactly why I don't want him to do whatever it is, and then he goes ahead and does it anyway. What the hell is that? I don't get it.

The most incredible thing happened to me this evening. One of my children (the one I didn't raise) admitted I was right. In writing. Of course it was on a chat client, but check this out:

[22:06] ME: cause you are still thinking like a kid.
[22:07] ME: and technically, you ARE still a kid
[22:07] ME: so I shouldn't be trying to rush you.
[22:07] tsuki_tsunami: you just want me to be happy
[22:07] ME: yes
[22:07] ME: I do
[22:09] tsuki_tsunami: i know....and your right...
[22:09] ME: holy shit
[22:09] ME: one of my children just admitted I'm right
[22:10] ME: wow
[22:10] ME: I ought to blog this

And there we go. I did edit it for typos. :)

Well, my friend in Kansas has surfaced, he's ok and I am no longer worried about him. I've been refining some clay I dug up out by an old strip mine. I have to get all the sand and crap out of it before I can use it. It's messy, it's hot outside and my allergies are flaring up and giving me a headache. I'm also trying to catch up on laundry. I'm washing my bedding and stuff. I'm really tired today as I was up most of the night. I know this sounds all disjointed but like I said, I'm tired.

Well, I'm having kind of a crappy day. Not sure why, except I'm worried about a couple of people. I have a friend, Jeremy, who lives in one of the areas in Kansas that's been hit by heavy flooding. I've not heard from him in maybe 3 days and I'm really worried about him. I hope he's safe. And my daughter Blair went back home. I know she's not as happy as she could be there, but she will be ok. What's really worrying me is Nina. She's 13 and she's being horrible. She and her friends were harassing Blair online yesterday and I had to jump down her throat. She's jealous because Blair has a boyfriend and she doesn't. At least I believe that's what's at the heart of the matter. And it drains me, emotionally and physically. Marc has been in his pajamas all day and I just feel blah. I've gotten quite a bit done, dishes, my hair redyed, etc but I just feel down.

Find me. Heal me. Save me from my enemies.

It's funny. People don't realize the extent of the depression and pain I hide on a daily basis. It hurts so much to be alone sometimes, but sometimes it hurts to NOT be alone. I realize I am surrounded by people who love me but I still have that old pain, that longing to be close to somebody and I can't find that person who wants to be close to me as well. I run a masquerade that seems like my life. I don't have anybody to share the pain with. All I ever wanted to be was normal. I wanted to be like everyone else. And I can't. Ever. NO matter what. I am so tired of not being able to pretend anymore. I like to pretend to be normal just to fit in for a while but I can't.

I am so tired. Physically. And my allergies are flaring up. Yes, I know I'm complaining. :) I gotta do it sometimes.

Well, here I sit, in my camper, alone. I get tired of being alone sometimes. I miss having a physical intimacy with somebody. And no, I'm not talking about sex, although sex is great. I mean somebody to hug and hold and hold me back. The sheer physical comforting that takes place when one human curls up to sleep with another. Roxy will cuddle with me, but let's face it, a boxer snores a lot and she ends up shedding all over the bed.

It looks like I'm going to try to take a road trip consisting of a few days to New Orleans in August. I want to visit my old friend Rocky and go see St. Louis #1 cemetery. I've been to #2, but #1 is supposed to be quite a bit more interesting.

Well, it happened early. I moved. Marc came to me and said I should move. He and my daughter Blair were concerned about me being where I was, camping by myself. I am almost set up in my new spot. I've been sleeping in a house for the past couple of nights, but I will be back outside tonight. I'll feel better. It's uncomfortable for me being indoors a lot. Weird, eh?

I've had a lot of changes recently. The biggest is that I've been more in touch with my older daughter Blair. She and my friend Kelly's son Marc seem to have fallen in love. It's very cool. He's prolly the one man in the whole world that I believe would never hurt her. My other daughter Nina is being a real beotch right now. She's 13 and just pissy towards everyone for no good reason. Also, I am becoming more who I really am. This isn't easy to explain, just suffice it to say that it's true.

Well, here we are. I am getting ready to move again. The Department of Child Support Enforcement finally got off their butts and there's a hearing set for July. I am going to make sure that the ex doesn't know where the hell I am.

Well, I finally got moved. I'm camping out with a friend of mine. My older daughter Blair is going to camp with us tonight. Nina refuses. She's 13 though and is at a weird stage. She hates everything right now. Except, of course, Blair. But it's ok. Like I usually say, "Been there, Done that!!"

Well, my laptop hard drive took a dump the other day. I can only assume it got a virus that McAfee missed and chewed up windows. I used my recovery cd and it's fine now. I lost a lot of data tho. It's getting back to where I want it to be so I'll try to update my blog more often. I am moving out of the trailer the guys rented to me because of the homeless person they have staying with them. He's been extremely verbally abusive to me and Jeff, the guy who owns the property had promised me the guy would be gone after the first week in May, otherwise I wouldn't have paid rent. But I did and the guy is still there and so I'm mostly moved out now. I don't think they believed me that I would do it. I guess they are in for a bit of a shock. I will be living in my camper again and that's fine with me really. My blood pressure has gone down (it had been up for a while) and I mentally feel better now that I know I will be out of there this weekend.

Ok, I've been screening campgrounds in southern Illinois and I found a couple I love and hate at the same time. The one I like the most has wireless internet. I also hate it the most cause it's brand new and costs $660.00 per month. I can't afford that. I want to but I can't. There is one that's in a town, not out in the woods that's near a Dairy Queen, has a pool and all and is $280.00 a month. Which is reasonable. But it's in town. I like the whole pool thing but it's in town. Kind of depressing thinking about being in town. All the others are much the same. Around $280.00 a month with electric and stuff, all out in the woods. I guess it doesn't matter a whole lot. I have a while longer to decide so I'll keep thinking about it.

Well, it's been an exciting weekend. Nina's birthday was Saturday. We (grandma and I) took her to the Paducah mall on Friday afternoon so she could shop, had her friends Samara and Erin with her. Then I took the girls to eat Japanese at the Sachi grill. They LOVED it. Nancy was overwhelmed when, after the meal and as we were leaving, the girls hugged her and Nina told her she loved her. So then Saturday we went to the Marion mall (Marc tagged along, he had come by to visit and was bored), then took Erin to her dad's before going to the Carbondale mall. The Marion mall has a hot spot in their food court. The Carbondale mall does not. That means I won't be going to that mall often till they get one. I don't like sitting around with nothing to do while the girls roam the mall. After the Carbondale mall we took Samara home, then me and Marc headed out to my place again. Then he headed home. I then worked a lot on the vinyl for the camper. The guys haven't made the creepy homeless guy leave like they said he would so we are moving out on the 1st. I won't keep Nina in a place where I feel there could be a threat to her welfare. Period. If I wanted her around that type of person we could have moved into public housing, ya know? I have more work on the vinyl to do and need to begin throwing stuff out. I hope to be ready. I think I will be. Just gotta figure out what campground to head to.

Well, we just had a bunch of fun. My mom, Nina and I were driving through town when this girl almost didn't stop at a red light (for us it was green), held up her bottle of beer and gave us the finger. We got her plate number (we found her after we dropped the mail off at the post office-we had to double back to head home and saw the car at a gas station). I got out, went around back of the car and wrote down the number. The girl in question slapped at my hand trying to stop me from writing down the number and then proceeded to verbally harass me. Her boyfriend then got rid of the beer. Of course, the cops took so long to get there that by the time they arrived the drunk chick had gotten back in the car and driven off. At least they did get her license plate number. I just hope they DO something about it. It's Herrin cops. My mom and I both told the officer that we saw her with the beer in her hand while she was driving. Let's hope that and the breathalyzer count for something. I won't hold my breath tho.

Happy Mother's Day. I am having an ok one. I threw up for several hours last night and have a fever today. Body aches, fatigue, etc. I was able to eat dinner tho so maybe I'm getting better. As long as I don't throw up tonight. I'm gonna have to lay down for a bit tho I think. I'm at my mom's house and I'm FREEZING. She's sitting here in shorts so I'm thinking this is from my fever. Tomorrow night Nina's end of the school year concert is going on. I HAVE to be well enough to go cause I have to video it. They are doing 70s songs and will be performing a rendition of Rhinestone Cowboy. This is my brother's FAVORITE 70s song. He used to play the album over and over. Drove me nuts when we were little. Short drive. Anyway, it HAS to be recorded for posterity. Or at least to post on youtube. hahahah

Well, had a party for Nancy's birthday on Sunday. Her friend, Marena, stood her up. I wasn't happy about it. Nancy didn't seem overly concerned but I felt that was totally tacky. You don't stand up somebody on their birthday. Not cool.

Party at my house tomorrow. It's Nancy's birthday Monday so we are having a party for her on Sunday. If you know me, call me and I'll give you directions. :)

Well, it's May again. I'm still fighting with the Illinois Department of Child Support Enforcement to get them to go after my ex-husband. My landlord is still letting that homeless piece of $hit stay on the property. If he comes into my yard or bothers me I will call the police and have him arrested. He will apologize for his behaviour then an hour later is severely verbally abusive. For some reason nobody seems to think that this is abuse but me. On the bright side, my friend Nancy is having a birthday Monday. I'm trying to organize a birthday party for her at my place on Sunday. I think it will be fun if we can pull it off. I've been cleaning the house for a couple of days now so at least I won't be worried that my house is filthy.

Censorship. Icky stuff. I just got an e-mail about some. This woman, Daddy Rhon, is an artist who created a beautiful portrait of a breast cancer survivor. And it got censored by the other artists who display in her building. You can read about it here: http://www.daddyrhon.com/. I think I find this particularly offensive because I have a friend, well, she's a girl I used to babysit for years and years ago, who is getting treatment for breast cancer. Think about that. A kid you babysat for now fighting stage 3 breast cancer. What kills me is she's got kids and a family and has a good life. My life is crap, but I'm not fighting for it. Not at the moment anyway. She doesn't deserve what's happening to her. Not at all. When I look at the painting by Daddy Rhon, I can see that woman's pain, feel her suffering. I want to hold her and comfort her, be there for her. It evokes deep emotions, which is really the entire point of art. For this beautiful work to be censored makes me sick.

I am upset again. Go figure. When am I not upset? I've been fighting with the Illinois Department of Child Support Enforcement trying to get them to do something about my ex-husband not paying child support since October. I've been trying to get things going since November. Yes, November 2006. It's May 1, 2007. I had to go to the local office today because they claimed they never got the paperwork I faxed over. I have the confirmation that the fax went through from the Kroger's that I had fax it for me. Cost me $9. On top of having fought with them all day, I ordered a cable to connect my phone to my laptop by usb on April 20th. I should have received the cable on Friday, April 27. I began e-mailing for information regarding this order on Thursday, April 26th. I had not received a reply so I began trying to call and talk to somebody at the company yesterday evening (Monday, April 30th), around 5 pm CDT. I called several times last night and began trying off and on to call today, beginning at 8 am CDT. I finally got a hold of a lady around noon CDT. She told me that apparently the order had been "lost" and they would send it out today and that they would send it 3 day with no additional charge to me. I was,needless to say, upset. I couldn't believe they were telling me that after I should have received my order last Friday I wouldn't be getting it till this coming Friday (May 4th). I wanted to know how they would make this right for me as I was loosing money by not being able to connect to the internet (why I ordered the cable-I just moved to a place with no phone lines, but there is a cell tower 3 miles away). I sell my artwork online. I had been losing money and wanted to know how they could fix this for me. The lady I had been speaking to hooked me up to her supervisor, Sandy, who then was rude, wouldn't allow me to say anything, cancelled my order, hasn't refunded my money and hung up on me. I will be doing everything in my power to make sure nobody gets the same treatment I have from these people. The company is http://www.cell-phone-accessories.com/. Be sure not to order from these people. It's a nightmare.

I'm irritated. Go figure. When am I not? This time tho it's because I ordered a cable to link my cell phone to my laptop so I can use the phone to dial out and connect to the internet. Problem is that it should have arrived Friday and I can't get the company to return my e-mail. I finally found a phone number for them so I will call them tomorrow until I can get a hold of somebody.

AHAHAHAHAH!!!! Why in hell don't men take women seriously? I read this today: http://apnews.excite.com/article/20070429/D8OPVAM00.html
It makes me sick. But even above and beyond that it pisses me off. What I'm hoping for is that one day women will rise up, demand to be treated with the respect and deference they deserve and it will happen with a minimum of blood shed. Think I'm crazy? Maybe. But I'll tell you this, women are sick and tired of being patronized, used, put down, kept down and it won't last. things will change.

I'm sitting at Pizza Hut sucking wireless off of McDonalds. It sucks having to pay for it. Specially since it's kind of slow. But at least I've got access. With any luck the cable I'm waiting for will be in tomorrow and then I'll be done with this. :P

Ok, I officially hate straight men now. This a$$hole my landlord has working for him (the one that proposed to me Monday before last-right after I met him) met me and Nina at my car when we pulled up at the trailer Monday evening. He wanted to help me carry stuff in. I declined. Then he wanted to know if he could come by and see me later. I asked what for? And he's like YOU KNOW. I said NO. It's totally uncool to proposition a woman in front of her child. Then the next day he was all the sudden outside of the windows where Nina sleeps while I was in the shower. Scared the crap out of her. And then he bangs on the door telling her there's a leak under the trailer. Ok, if he hadn't been snooping outside the trailer in the first place then how the hell would he know there was a leak? I told Jeff and Michael about all this and Jeff doesn't seem to take this seriously. If he touches me, I'll have his nads hanging from my rear view mirror in the car as ornaments. If he touches Nina, well, let's just say he won't be around anymore.

I had a really weird week last week. The guys had this dude named Dave they picked up and now have him doing odd jobs around the property. This guy decided he's going to marry me. He proposed the day I met him. :P It's just getting creepier and creepier. On the plus side, I turned 39 without the world ending or me killing anyone. Now, as long as this guy leaves me alone, he won't get hurt. Nancy got me a dozen pink roses with white lilies in them. They are not only gorgeous but they smell really good. :) I'm sitting at the mall food court sending this in. Hopefully next week I'll be online at home again and life will be good.

I really can't stand not having an internet connection. It's driving me wild. I get things I want to blog and can't cause I'm not online and then when I get someplace where I can be online then I can't remember what all I was going to blog about. It really pisses me off.

I do know that yes, it's very sad, but I find it really quite funny that they keep going on in the news about this dude who shot all those people at Virginia Tech. Like it's some sort of revelation of profound proportions that he was crazy. Um, hello, dude went and massacred a bunch of people before shooting himself. That right there points to some sort of profound malfunction. Even a 10 yr old ought to be able to figure out that the guy was nuts in a bad way.

Well, nobody is buying my comic books on eBay. I put up some vintage Playboy magazines from the 70s, so I'm hoping I get a few bites there. So, still no internet at home. And I'll be 39 on Thursday. It sucks.

Well, being without internet at home sucks. I'm having severe withdrawls. On the plus side, I did get the papers faxed to Child Support Enforcement today so they can go after my ex-husband. On the down side, it will probably take them months to do anything. I had requested in January that they reopen my case. Of course, they didn't. So I'm waiting on that and waiting on money social security is supposed to be sending me. Of course, they can tell me it's at the payment office, just not what's going on or when I might get it. Here I am, broke and hurting and I know there's money owed to me and I can't get my hands on any of it. I've been creating fractal art and posting it on my page, http://12of8.deviantart.com, but of course nobody buys any of my prints. I've been writing some short stories, erotica that is, but it might take a while to see any profits from that. Publishers can be horribly slow sometimes. My comic books aren't selling on eBay. Dad said we could dispose of an old box of Playboys that were in the basement, so I'll post them on Sunday and see if they sell. Some are early 70s, so they might be worth something. I scanned the covers of half of them. I figure I'll post the first 10 and if they sell then do the rest.

This is very nice. It looks like my page views are up. Must be the comic books. :) At least they are doing me some good. None of the ones I had posted on eBay sold. I'm going to post some more tonight and keep my fingers crossed. In the meantime I'm going to strip some old electronics and glean the copper for recycling. I've got a box of non-working parts that I kept just to strip. I know, I'm a horrible pack rat but when you are perpetually broke what else can you do? You save stuff in case things get even worse. My grandma was raised during the great depression. I think I got her genes, thank god. Otherwise I wouldn't make it. I'd be up the creek with no paddle. Of course, I've always been a pack rat. Some years ago, my hero died. this guy kicked my a$$ totally when it came to being a pack rat. He had a store here in town. Ended up he had a stroke and one of his relatives found him on the floor of his house one day. That's when I found out the extent of his pack rattiness. I knew he was bad because he drove what looked like a 1975 gold 4 door Impala. I'm not sure on all this but that's what it looked like to me. Huge boat of a car. And it was FULL. Of what? Well, good question. I know he had lots of papers in there and a 2 X 4, what else I'm not sure but the entire back seat and the passenger's side of the front was full. There was enough room for the guy to get in and drive. That's it. And he owned two houses not far from where my house was. They pulled up 2 of those huge green waste disposal containers and filled them. It was incredible. I'm sure his family just didn't want to go through all that stuff, but I would have loved to dive into it and see what was there. Especially when they cleaned out the store. It was a 2 story building and the upper floor was packed full of stuff. I know there was some old solar panels up there, I could see them through one of the windows. I don't know where it all went because one day it was there and the next day the building was down. I don't know if they bulldozed it then just sent everything to the dump or what. I was in awe of that guy tho. I had a 3 bedroom house with a detached garage. But I didn't even come close to this guy. Now I have nightmares about the stuff I was forced to throw away or leave. Still. It's been almost a year since I had to leave my home. I suppose one day they will stop. Maybe.