Letterkenny

 I'm rationing season 9 of Letterkenny because I just binge watched seasons 1 and 2 of The Tick and now I have this weird void in my life.  I've watched 6 Underground repeatedly when I'm not up to tackling anything new and I can point out a shitload of continuity errors now, lol.  It's really weird living alone during a pandemic.  Unless I have a doctor's appointment, day and night have no meaning right now.  I need to get things together to sprout some seeds but I haven't brought my potting soil in yet.  So other than those things it's like nothing really matters.  I wonder if a lot of people go through this sort of thing when they retire or if they can stay active and social.  Since this whole social distancing thing might be the new normal it's hard to say.  Mentally I'm feeling better than I had been but it's still not great. I hope older people living alone are doing better.

Depression

 I'm dealing with depression today again. I don't know what triggered it I just know I feel like things would be so much easier if I was just dead. It's like a sadness, a weight, and I don't know why. Getting out of bed is hard. Staying awake is hard. I know I need help. I just don't know what to do about it. I've been doing therapy over the phone. It's not as helpful as it should be. I don't like to mention this to my friends because I know it hurts them. But sometimes I really just need somebody to talk to about it. Sometimes I just need to cry. But I don't want to burden my friends because I feel like I'm already enough of a burden to them the way I am. I love my friends and my family. And I know what it would do to them if I were to hurt myself... but I can't help but think about it. Mentally things are just really hard right now. And I know I'm not dealing with it very well and I haven't been for some time. I guess I just have to wait and see. Either it will come down to me taking myself out one night or things will get better. I don't know. I just feel very lonely right now.

Stress

 Most of the stress I am dealing with I put on myself.  I set these mental goals for myself. Once a goal is set it can literally worry me into inaction.  I have to stop setting these mental goals because most of the time they are unrealistic and just make things worse. I'll get stuff done when I get it done.  

Crazy

 So I started watching The Tick.  So for the first few episodes I was trying to decide if Arthur was batshit crazy or if all this stuff really was happening. Then I started thinking about this theory I'd read about the universe being a simulation our reality not really being real but a simulation that you know somebody like way outside of our reality is has crafted. It makes sense if you think about it. So I'm sitting here trying to decide am I batshit crazy am I living in a world that my own brain has concocted or really what is reality? You can't answer that. As of right now it's impossible for a human being as far as I know to go outside of our reality and look in. So how do we know if we're real? And does it make any difference? I mean we've all played those stupid simulation games where you're building a civilization or you're farming or something right? So what if those people that you're manipulating are somehow sentient on some sort of level that we don't understand. Would it make any difference? Those people that we manipulate might think of us as God but if you think about it we aren't God because we didn't create all of that the programmers created it set it loose let us play with it and they moved on to something else. So what if what humans think of as you know God or gods you know a higher being whatever you want to call it is just the user who's playing with the program? Thinking about it almost makes me feel as insignificant as when I see pictures that show the size of Earth compared to the sun. We are infinitesimal dots. Like grains of sand on a beach. Perhaps not even that significant. Which I guess is why people have such a need to believe in a deity that is all knowing and all seeing. If you feel that there is a benevolent being watching down on you from some mystical realm it makes you feel less alone and less insignificant. Unfortunately this makes some people feel that they are exceptional and better than everyone else. I'm not saying that there is or is not some sort of deity but if there is I think it's like those programmers who wrote the code made the game set it loose so that people can play and they went on to something else.