Well, I just keep sinking down, thinking I've hit bottom when I discover that I'm not even close. The past 3 days have been hell. If you know me, then you wouldn't even realize it. I've been doing a very good job of masking it. I've had a lot of problems with my depression lately. My psychiatric nurse said we ought to hike my seroquel up to 75 mg instead of the 50. I know that doesn't sound like much of a difference, but in my case it is. I am very sensitive to seroquel. She told me on Thursday that she would call it and my refills for the rest of my stuff in to the pharmacy. Well, I go to try to get it today and it's not there. None of it has been called in. It's a good thing I went to get my scripts early or I would have been screwed. As it is, I haven't run out of any of my meds yet and with luck I'll have some at least until Tuesday when they should be able to get ahold of my doctor's office. My good friend Jeremy from Kansas has gone off the radar again and I'm hoping he's ok. He told me Thursday night he would have to make a trip, didn't say where or why (not really my business) but I worry about him. I have so few good friends anymore that I don't want to loose the ones I have left. I just pray I will hear from him soon. My youngest daughter Nina spent the night with me last night. It was going very well until right before we left and the toilet overflowed on her. When my friend Kelly got it snaked out she said it looked as if somebody had flushed something they shouldn't have. When I called to ask Nina about it (she had gone home by this time) she lied to me and said she didn't do it. He dad was a really good liar, but she's not quite up to par with him yet. And to put the icing on the cake, my oldest, Blair, is having issues with this guy she knows. He goes by the nickname Serby. Basically he's been harassing her now and then and right now none of us is sure where he is or we would go have a long talk with him. So, with all this on my mind, I feel very low right now. And since I haven't been able to up my meds, I just have to deal with all this. I feel very much like I want to swallow a bottle of pills. The main problem with that is that I've seen my brother OD countless times and he just ends up in the ER getting his stomach pumped or charcoal shoved down his throat. I don't want to deal with that sort of thing. I'm only gonna do it if I'm sure I won't wake up.

I know I've been kind of slacking off in my blogging. I've been a bit depressed again lately and I go to see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. I'm going to see if she can get me an up in my Zoloft. I'm at 75 mg now and I want to go to 100. I don't think this will be a problem. When I get really depressed I tend to forget about things. My memory goes all to hell. It sucks. I hate it because I know I'm fat and ugly and if I don't have my brain, well, then what do I have??? Nothing. Hopefully I'm not depressing you now too. I saw my therapist today and she thinks we need to integrate two parts of my personality that are kind of ignoring each other. I have the "mom" side that is predatory about protecting her kids and I have the "10 yr old" side that stopped right there because of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse I had to cope with when I was 10. The 10 yr old side doesn't seem to interact at all with the mom side and vice versa. What happens is the 10 yr old side takes over and relives old traumas and then the depression hits. I begin to think about how worthless I am, how I don't really matter in the scheme of things and how everyone would be better off with me gone. The mom side of me wouldn't tolerate me saying this about myself, but I can't seem to get the mom side in control of the 10 yr old side. It's kind of complicated. And apparently it's going to take a while to integrate them. I guess we will see what happens. On the bright side, we had sword practice tonight and I didn't seem to get all bruised up. WOOHOO!!!

I hate spam.