Curses

 "May you live in interesting times" is not a blessing.  It's a curse.  Be careful what you wish for.

Things Changing

 The world is changing,  quickly.   The dish at Arecibo was on my bucket list.  It's dead now.   The bombing in Nashville,  TN the morning of Christmas day.  Trump and congress not providing any type of monetary relief for the people who have been suffering during the Covid-19 epidemic.  What the hell?  I mean seriously  WHAT THE HELL?  I always thought that the USA was better than that.  I believed in the checks and balances in our government to function properly and protect the people.   I believed the people of the USA cared about each other, the environment our children will inherit, and the rest of the world.   I  thought that my own experience with people  being selfish,  hurtful and uncaring was an anomaly.  Apparently it's not.  I can't explain to people why they should have empathy and care about what happens to others.  We have become a country that follows the idea that "I've got mine so screw you".  It hurts.  It hurts my heart, my brain and my beliefs.   I'm not Christian but it seems like the rabid Christians are the worst about this, using their faith as an excuse to hate.   Again, WHAT THE HELL?  I urge anyone who sees this to defy these ideas. Be kind.  Be generous.  Stand up for what is right - and legal does not equal right. Feed the poor.  Recycle.  Don't let the haters win just because they are loud. You don't have to scream to win.  Don't believe that you can't make a difference just because their hate is louder than your kindness.  

Eve

 Christmas eve.  We always do Christmas on Christmas Eve.  This is a tradition that goes back to when I was a kid.  Mom and dad both worked at the hospital so one was always working Christmas. Santa would come early so we could all be together.  Even though dad is gone and my brother doesn't leave Colorado we still keep the tradition.

Unconscious

Sleep is not the same as being unconscious. I've been sleeping a lot and dreaming vividly.  Mostly good dreams.  The kind you don't want to wake up from because you are happy and things are good.  Or people who have died aren't dead and you get to see and talk to them.  For someone who lives alone and hasn't been in a relationship for several years that is more socializing I've done in the past year in about a week's worth of dreams.  I miss my dad and my dog the most.  I'd like to get another dog.  I might have to check into a rescue next spring.  Cats are easier if you have to go out of town or something but I really want the cuddles a larger dog provides.  I used to take my dog everywhere.  Camping, to the convenience store (not in), over to my parent's house, etc.  She was my protector and I was hers.  I'm convinced that dog would have attempted to kill someone who tried to physically harm me.  I really enjoy when I get to visit with her in my dreams.  She had her own pillow on the bed and everything and in the dreams I'm usually cuddling with her telling her what a good girl she is.  I have a friend who says those really vivid dreams are actually alternate realities.  I'm not sure but he could be right.  I tend to like those realities better than this one.

Void

 Yelling into the void is depressing. Nobody tells back.  Nobody acknowledges you.  It kind of reinforces the idea that nobody would actually miss you if you were gone.  Since nobody reads this blog it reinforces that further because since I know nobody is paying attention I'm not just saying this for attention.  Interesting isn't it?  I can state nobody cares about me only when nobody is listening because if they were listening they would assume I'm saying that for the attention.  That's one of the biggest problems with depression and self esteem issues.  If you tell people how you honestly feel it sounds so horrible that they think you are blowing things out of proportion to get their sympathy. In actuality it's your own brain blowing things out of proportion in an attempt to make the pain so bad that you will take steps to stop it. How's that for a big wad of irony?

Dead

 It's weird when you find out someone is dead that you didn't know was even still alive.  When I was a kid back in the 70s my dad was learning sleight of hand and stage magic.  He had a buddy who was a magician who levitated me once.  I remembered his name and for some reason got a wild hair and googled him earlier.  He passed in November of last year. His obit said in lieu of flowers to donate to Parkinson's research.  Which is interesting because if I had found this guy alive I would have told him dad had Parkinson's before he died and he's been gone almost 5 years now. It's weird thinking I missed him by a year.  It's also a weird feeling knowing that my past is eroding away and all of it will be gone when I die.  

Ridiculous

 Doesn't reality seem ridiculous at times? I mean seriously some of the things we have to deal with just seem over the top.  Period for example just seem ridiculous.  Like why should half of the population of the world have to go through hell for 3 to 7 days a month?  And why are so many men so ignorant of what exactly a period is?  Did they sleep through Health class?  And why do so many white people think they are "being threatened" by people of color?  It's crazy.  What has our society come to when personal beliefs are as readily accepted as facts? I feel like a sane person drowning in a sea of crazy.

Food

 There's this bbq truck that occasionally comes to town.  I'm thinking I'm going to get a big pulled pork sandwich tomorrow when they get here.  😁

I've been absolutely freezing the last two days.  I'm not sure why.  The temperature hasn't been that bad and I haven't had a fever so I don't know what the deal is.

If anyone is out there reading any of this, let me know.  I feel like I'm talking to the void.  If I do that long enough will the void talk back?

Arg

 I'm really trying to resist going down the rabbit hole of holiday depression.  I found out today that the ultrasound I had on my legs Wednesday shows I've got blockage which means my doc is referring me to the cardiovascular docs.  So that's hanging over my head plus more people are dying from Covid here and I'm worried I won't get to see my daughter at Christmas.  She's 26 and still thinks I was a horrible mom despite the fact that I'm the one who always comes through for her. I dearly love her despite that.  I am so proud of her for having the courage to chase her dreams.  Makes me wish I could have overcome my anxiety and reached some of mine.  Anyway, I'm just going to try to keep my head above water and hope I'll be fine. 👍

The Monolith and Rickmas

 So we had a weird monolith pop up in Utah, only to disappear and reappear near an archaeological site in the Carpathian mountains in Romania.  And AdultSwim has begun the 12 days of Rickmas.  You should probably go enter.  I did.  And I will again tomorrow. And the day after that...  

https://adultswim.wyng.com/12daysofrickmas

November 30

 Tomorrow is November 30th.  What would have been my dad's 77th birthday if he hadn't passed away almost 5 years ago.  I miss my dad.  That's not to say he was a perfect dad or that mistakes weren't made, because they were. I mostly miss the dad I had before we moved to Illinois.  We did wonderful things.  He took me to the St Louis art museum when a Monet exhibit visited.  Taught me about ancient Egypt and gun powder and the stars.  Then some bad shit happened (that was NOT his fault) and he felt we needed to move.  I ended up in Illinois and learned what depression was.  I was 10.  I hated moving here.  Nobody was nice to me for the first two years I lived here.  I guess I like the nature but I hate the people. I have very few friends.  But hey, I'm 52. Why do I need lots of friends at this point?  I drifted.  This was about me missing my dad.  He spent most of his retirement savings so mom has had to learn to live with coupons and deals and had discovered the dollar store. I'm not happy about him doing that but he had Parkinson's and your mind starts to go.  I first realized he wasn't right in 2012 when he asked me where Roxy, my dog was.  I had to have her put to sleep in 2010 because she had advanced cancer.  He would never have forgotten that if he was ok.  Mom turned 77 earlier this year.  Right now she has bronchitis.  She was tested for covid-19 but it was negative.  The antibiotics are clearing her up.  She's got congestive heart failure and kidney disease. We were never close like dad and I were but I go over every few days or so.  I know it's going to be hell for me when she goes.  It's funny because I'd just like to go to sleep and not wake up again. It would be easier.  For me anyway.

Lies

 I'm really tired of trump trying to be a dictator.  He lies.  Then he lies more. And then he lies and says he didn't lie. He's a narcissist. When a narcissist accuses someone of having done something it's almost always because that's what they did.  You cheated he says.  Well no, actually he cheated and is trying to cover his tracks.  He's trying to dictate whether or not he will leave office.  He's been doing things he doesn't actually have the authority to do.  It's a horrible example for our children and if I as an adult acted like that I would have had a 72 hour mental health hold by now.  There are people who are so screwed up in the head that they actually believe him and think he's the savior of our nation because they don't see it's all bullshit.  It's sad and it's going to take time for people to recover emotionally and mentally from this.

Thanksgiving

 It was a weird Thanksgiving this year.   My daughter and her partner didn't come home for the holiday because of Covid.  My daughter is high risk because she's had pneumonia and influenza A.  I'm high risk because of my diabetes.  My mom is high risk because of her heart and kidneys. So my daughter made the sensible decision to not travel. As much as I'd been wanting to see her I'm glad she's not risking it.  I went to mom's house because we have been visiting regularly since this all began.  She's had bronchitis (got tested for Covid to be safe) and is on antibiotics.  Her sister, my aunt, who lives a few houses down came over also. We do keep the 6 ft rule but we all brought food so I don't know if that counts.  But it was weird.  I miss my daughter a lot even though she blames me for every bad thing that happened while she was growing up and has basically told me I'm a bad mom.  Once my mom passes away I'm sure my daughter won't come home at all. 

More tests

 Doc has me upping my magnesium and is sending me to get a circulation test because of my leg cramps.  Guess we will see.

Cramps

 I keep having horrible leg cramps.  Mostly my left leg.  Usually while sleeping. Bad enough that I wake up in considerable pain having to stomp my foot on the floor to get the muscles to unclench.  I can hear the bones in my foot pop when I do it.  Sent a message to my doc about it.  Might have to increase my magnesium intake.

Self Destruct

 I've been wondering if some humans end up being genetically programmed to self destruct.  I've known people who are suicidal and I knew someone who is gone from it.  I've thought about it.  I've noticed that there's two ways I think about it.  The first is if I'm really depressed and feeling sorry for myself because I've been mentally beating myself up. The second way is if I'm being almost coldly rational, like one might consider whether or not there's enough milk for a small or a large bowl of cereal.  It could be just a genetic lottery and be part of nature's way of avoiding overpopulation. I've never actually harmed myself.  Thought about it but haven't done anything about it. But I bet that people who succeed in killing themselves probably share a genetic marker, or at least a good proportion of them do. Someone ought to look into it.

Booze

 I rarely drink but lately I've been craving a white russian.

Health

 So I have some answers.  I have stenosis in my carotid arteries but not bad enough to produce my symptoms.  The cardiac monitor I wore for two weeks didn't show any cardiac events that were outside normal parameters.  The neurologist I saw earlier this year was an idiot.  But, I have some answers.

Drum roll......

I'm anemic. Like bad enough that my doctor sent in a prescription for iron.  I take an over 50 women's vitamin with iron daily so I'm wondering how bad is it that I need a supplement?  

People may experience:

Whole body: dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, or malaise

Heart: fast heart rate or palpitations

Also common: brittle nails, headache, pallor, shortness of breath, or weakness.

All of which I've been experiencing for over a year.  But I had to whine and complain, have a couple of bad falls before anyone would take me seriously.  

Mr Meeseeks

 So a good friend of mine and I love Rick and Morty.  To understand what I'm about to say you must love Rick and Morty also.  I'm making him a Kirkland Meeseeks box for Xmas.  Inside there will be a Kirkland Meeseeks t-shirt and some candy.  I start giggling and want to tell people about it but I don't know anyone else who loves Rick and Morty enough to know what I'm talking about.  Needless to say I'm taking photos as I go.  It's going to be so cool. 😁😁😁😁😁

Self Satisfaction

 What would happen to a society in which we were all satisfied with ourselves? My nose is fine.  My weight is good.  My pirouette is perfect.  Would this eliminate most mental illness or would this just make certain types worse?  Imagine not being hard on yourself because you didn't need to be, weren't taught to be.  I often wonder what I could have achieved if I hadn't been plagued by self doubt most of my life.  Would I be a linguist, a teacher, an archaeologist or artist? Would I be all those things? If I hadn't thought I was ugly could I have been pretty?  If I was pretty could I have been any of those other things?  I guess I'll never know for sure.

Voyager

 I finished DS9 and am now rewatching Voyager.  I'd forgotten how annoying Neelix can be.  Still, it's a good diversion with the Covid numbers rising again it's a necessary diversion.  I also downloaded a few episodes of a Netflix series called Seis Manos.  Looks interesting. We will see how that goes.  

Four Seasons Landscaping

 My mom, despite video evidence, doesn't believe the Trump press conference by Rudy took place in the parking lot of a landscaper in Philadelphia.  She refused to acknowledge the event at all.  Says it's made up.  I think she has cognitive dissonance. I think a lot of Republicans do at this point.  

The Presidency

 On March 4th 1801 the second president of the United States John Adams refused to hand over office to his main rival at the 1800 election Thomas Jefferson. The rule of midday January 20 had not been written yet. Despite his stubbornness, THE OFFICE SIMPLY LEFT HIM!

After Thomas Jefferson was sworn in at an event which the incumbent refused to attend, White House staff started to remove the president’s belongings from the White House (Adams was the first president to reside at the new official residence). All security organs cut all official communication. All presidential staff stopped taking instructions from Adams – THE OFFICE MOVED.

From that time all incumbents at the White House prepare early to leave in-case they see signs of losing to avoid humiliation by the independent organs of state (The Military, The secret Service, The CIA, FBI and all White House staff. They all operate under a code - that of serving a man/woman who has carried the WILL of the people at an election).

As soon as Biden clinches the 270 votes and is officially declared by all returning officers in the states the following is going to happen:

1- The secret service divides its attention between the incumbent at the incoming President.

2- CIA begins to brief both (including top secret intelligence which is traditionally reserved for  one individual-the commander in chief).

3- The counter intelligence teams of the CIA which ‘spy’ on The CIA also begin to brief both.

4- White House staff begin to prepare to re-do the house in-line with the taste of the president elect.

5- At Midday on January 20 White House staff remove all his belongings from the house and bring in the belongings of the new president  (they wait for no one’s instructions).

6- The deductions for White house rent on Trump’s salary stops in January.

7- The deductions for Whitehouse rent begins on Joe Biden’s presidential salary in January.

8- Melania Trump stops being the boss of Whitehouse on January 20 at midday.

9- Dr. Jill Biden becomes the boss of Whitehouse on January 20 at midday.

10- At midday on January 20 all the power organs of the US cut official communication with Trump; The pentagon, The CIA, The FBI, The Attorney General. The secret service maintains minimal communication since it is going to guard the x-president all his life.

11- The BEAST and AIRFORCE ONE salutes Trump for the last time and move their attention to Biden. The BEAST begins to carry Biden’s blood samples as is the tradition.

Without instructions from any one! It has been so for over 200 years.

Blood

 Got blood work done this morning. I hate fasting blood work.  But apparently the lipid panel was done by this afternoon so they not only emailed me the notification but also called me. While I was trying to have a nap of course.  I really need to try to remember to put my phone on silent when I try to nap.  I also got 4 text messages. My nap wasn't as restful as it could have been, lol.  My fault. It was around 2:30 when I lay down for my nap. People in general know not to bother me before noon unless it's an emergency so technically I was fair game.  Now I'm blogging from my bathtub.  Because I can. 😁 I am supposed to go on a day trip with friends tomorrow so I'll throw some laundry in after I'm done so it can be drying. I don't use a dryer. Technically I have one but I don't know if it works.  I don't own a tv or a microwave either.  Yup.  I'm a weirdo.

Sleep

 Now that Biden is president elect, I will sleep better.  The problem is the fight it's going to take to get Trump out of the White House.  He's going to kick and scream like a toddler.  Hell, it would probably be easier to get rid of a cockroach infestation than get Trump out of the White House.  In the meantime I'll sleep better knowing that at least Biden doesn't want to kill me.

AaaaAaaAAAaAaAaaa!

 I'm about to lose my sh!t.  Waiting for the votes to be counted is agonizing.  We had only two possible outcomes when we went into this.  So we thought anyway.  Either the orange menace would win or the former VP would win.  Simple, right?  Well of course not.  Now we have a clusterf*ck because the well educated people who listen to qualified doctors either voted early or used mail ballots to avoid the plague rats in the red hats who refuse to wear masks and a human sh!t stain who wants the ballot counting to stop and is trying to declare himself the winner.  The MAGAts are trying to claim the mail ballots are all voter fraud because they are tipping the balance in the former VP's favor.  Personally I'm an anarchist but I realize that people aren't grown up enough for that to work.  With that said the idea of spending the next 4 years living under the incompetence, gaslighting and childishness of the current administration is seriously making me consider suicide.  I can't deal with having a government that seems to be trying to kill me.

Drops

 If 7,000,000,000 people waste 1 drop of water in 1 day that is equal to approximately 92460.21875 gallons.  Things to think about.

Screaming

 A lot of times I write things here to keep from screaming in the dark.  I've moved past howling with frustration.  One of my close friends, her mom popped positive for Covid.  She's got alzheimer's and is in a nursing home which is most likely why she got it.  She's in her 80s.  I'm worried.  It just keeps getting worse.  I understand people want things to be normal again.  I understand that people are being evicted and losing their small businesses because the federal government won't do anything to help.  It's not right.  It's the federal government's fault that everything is like this.  The politicians live so far above the common people they have no idea about the hell people are living in right now. A character in a Robert Heinlein book said that diapers and politicians should be changed frequently for the same reason.  I feel the truth of that.

The Federation

 Ok this wild idea just came to me.  How about us geeks and nerds come together to form a sociopolitical movement called The Federation?  We could base it on the principles of The United Federation of Planets except on just a global scale.  Healthcare for all.  Education for all.  No meddling with societies that don't have/want/care about modern conveniences (Amazon tribes, Amish, etc). Promoting the betterment of ourselves so we can better society and the planet we live on.  No nationalism, no racism, no discrimination. Period.  No sponsorship by corporations.  If a person in our movement who is running for or voted in to office they cannot accept corporate money.  Period. We as humans beings need to remember that we as human beings need to care about and lift up each other, not advance corporate agendas that are ruining our world through pollution and greed. 

Yeah. I know.  Crazy. But I'd rather be crazy than live under trump another four years.

Tedium

 I guess everyone needs to invent a purpose for their life.  I don't have a purpose.  That makes it hard to get out of bed sometimes.  My brain just goes "screw this" and I go back to sleep.  I know it's not a very healthy way to deal with things but I'm at a loss.  It seems like nothing I can do will matter either to the big picture or in the long run.  I envy people who have faith in a god that personally watches over them and protects them.  I think that gives them hope and purpose. Unfortunately I don't believe god is like that. At all. But what I do believe is a bit complicated. I do know that the god portrayed in the old testament of the Bible is not a god I could put my faith in.

When?

 When will we get season 5 of Rick and Morty?!!

After Life

 I've been pondering what happens after Life. I don't believe in the Christian version of heaven.  I've seen hell and intend on avoiding that (don't ask I can't describe it to you). I rather think I like the idea of Valhalla.  I have fought depression all my life.  Does that qualify me as a warrior?  I'd like to think so. Maybe the Klingon's Sto-vo-kor.  I know there is existence after death.  How much of a sense of self we have I don't know.  My mom told me a weird story today.  She said my daughter called her and was telling her about a weird dream she had.  In the dream she was eating chili with my dad (dad passed 4 years ago).  My daughter complained there wasn't any cheese to put on the chili so my dad told her to crumble up some boiled eggs on top of it.  This is where it gets weird.  When I was young, my parents would go out and stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning (it was the 70s). Mom says when they came home a lot of times they would eat chili and put eggs on it.  I had no way of knowing this.  My daughter also had no way of knowing this.  Coincidence? I don't really think so.  It's too specific. Maybe I'll ask dad about it when I reach the other side.

Shortwave

 I'm thinking about rebuilding my DX-100 shortwave this winter.  I have the service manual and parts list.  I think I can handle it.  My prime lament is that so many of these evangelical radio stations have popped up. I remember back in the 80s listening to Radio Moscow, Voice of Free China, even The Happy Station Show on Radio Netherlands.  I mailed a road map of Illinois to Radio Australia because they were papering their walls with maps listeners sent them. Deutsche Welle was a familiar sound and even Radio Havana Cuba was great to tune in to.  WRNO Worldwide from NOLA was pretty great.  But this evangelical crap is just awful.  I've always felt organized religion was a control mechanism and I fear that them taking over the airwaves like this is contributing to a global "dumbing down" with people fooled into ignoring science and facts because a few wealthy men in nice suits tell them that God says differently.  It really makes me fear for the future.

More Stress

 The county I live in has had new Covid-19 cases rapidly climbing.  They are closing indoor eating at restaurants again.  I'm not sure what else will happen.  Since I only make mandatory trips out I think I'm fairly safe.  It just really sucks.

Sex

 I gave up sex a few years ago.  I'd had my heart broken by the death of a boyfriend and wasn't going to date again.  Then someone I hadn't seen in decades came back into my life.  He represented the situation as a poly type opportunity. This however did not even come close to the reality.  I think he lied to get what he wanted and she had no idea how far down the rabbit hole he had led me.  Heart broken for the last time. I don't date. I won't date. But last night I had a sex dream. I have only had 3 other sex dreams that I can remember that I was actually turned on and enjoying the sex. All the others were me wondering if they were done yet because I had things to do the next day.  Sad, right? But this one was one that turned me on. I'm not sure what that means.  I know I've been starved for human touch for over a year now, which could account for it but perhaps subconsciously I'm still craving some type of physical relationship.  I don't know.

Friends

 It's occured to me that there might be people out there who think I'm their friend even though I've never really talked to them or associated with them in the last 30 years.  This occurred to me because I started thinking about people I consider to be friends (I have two classifications of friends - good friends and people I know who are cool) and I've realized that sometimes you think of someone as a good friend when they think of you as just someone they know.  It always upsets me when I find one I thought was a good friend doesn't feel that way about me.  But my emotions run very deep and I usually am struggling to hide it so I come off as emotionless even when I'm screaming inside. But that's just me.

Dread

 The existential dread is setting in.  Again. And there's only so many funny cat videos on YouTube to combat it.  The cult of trump, climate change, homelessness, prices rising, the obscenely rich squeezing the general population for every penny...  My therapist says I need to ignore this stuff and concentrate on what makes me happy.  I countered with the fact that I don't want to stick my head in the sand and that I can't really be happy until things change.  She countered my counter with the idea that I shouldn't let things upset me to the point where I want to commit suicide if that orange bastard gets re-elected.  I had to, at that point, concede.  Because I really don't see any way I can handle another 4 years of this bullshit.

Past Tense part 1 & 2

 Still watching Deep Space 9.  I love all Star Trek, especially the original series and Enterprise (I honestly think that stupid theme song is what killed it) but DS9 has a special place in my heart.  People think I'm a pessimist but really I'm just realistic.  I'd love to be able to believe in happily ever after but I'm too much of a realist to accept that.  I know it won't happen, especially for me.  But back to Trek.  Past Tense part 1 and 2 are intense.  They take place in 2021.  There are sanctuary areas in cities where people who are jobless are put.  If you are caught without a job or ID you could end up in one.  If you haven't seen DS9 you could actually watch those 2 episodes without the rest of the series.  I can see this happening if Trump stays in office.  He seems to want as many poor people dead as possible.  He's killed over 200,000 people in the USA by downplaying the Covid-19 severity.  He's still not taking it seriously after supposedly having it himself.  He's been tweeting things that would get anyone else a 72 hour psych hold.  Personally I'm buying seeds for my garden next year and thinking about investing in a deep freeze.

Deep Space 9

 I've been rewatching DS9.  It seems to fit my mood lately.  It's darker than TOS or TNG and there's points in it where all seems lost.  I think it's mirroring how I feel about the government.  We have a moron who seems to want a large number of the population dead. My apologies to any morons out there, I don't mean to demean you by equating you with trump.  I voted today. Well it was technically yesterday. Monday, October 12.  It was a holiday so I knew the parking lot at the courthouse would be empty.  I put my ballot in the special drop box outside the administration building.  Signed, sealed and delivered.  Now I have to wait.  I don't want to die.

Blah

 I've been feeling irritable, stubborn, angry and sleepy.  Wearing a heart monitor that connects to two sticky electrodes on my chest and trying not to roll when I sleep is awful. 

In other news, I think I've fully accepted I will die alone.  It's ok now.  I used to be scared of dying alone.  I'm not now.  I have no wish to burden anyone with my presence.  Easy peasy.

Sleepy

 I've been incredibly sleepy for the past few days.  I'm not sure why.  Could be quarantine, could be having to wear the heart monitor, could just be me being irritable. Dunno.  On a side note, I once had a mental health counselor tell me that if I got irritable that meant I was bipolar.  Biggest bunch of bullshit ever.  Everyone gets irritable sometimes.

Death

 Eddie Van Halen passed away.  Cancer.  He was only 65.  I saw Van Halen at SIU Carbondale on their 1984 tour.  Such a loss to the world.  If you haven't listened to Eruption and marveled at the sound of Eddie making love to that guitar then you should leave this blog and head for youtube to experience it.  With each great musician who passed it feels like the world gets a little colder.  :(

Free will

 Free will is an interesting concept.  We are actually subtly brainwashed every day by different types of media.  I don't think we actually have free will at this point.  I don't think soldiers fight for freedom. We are all just told that repeatedly.  They fight because the people in charge order them to.  We buy floral patterned shirts when the media and stores show us nothing else.  We are currently being coerced into thinking that animal products aren't "clean" edibles.  The terminology and images used aren't always blatant but they do the job.  The United States is the greatest nation on Earth! No. Why do people insist on that?  It's not true. We are fed deliberate falsehoods over and over until we unthinkingly repeat them and maybe even believe them.  No, you don't have free will. Likely you never will.  Unfortunately you probably won't ever even see it.

Monitor

 I will be receiving my heart monitor tomorrow.  I'm a little nervous about it.  It looks like it sticks directly on the skin.  I've had issues with allergic reactions to adhesives on surgical tape and certain types of bandages.  The last thing I want is a rash on my chest.  I'll have to wear the thing for two weeks and then I send it back.  They say it takes a week or so to get results. We will see.

Water

 After a year in my new place, my water lines are getting fixed.  The master bathroom, laundry area and kitchen had running water.  Now I have running water outside.  That's going to make it so much easier to water my garden. Next the water will be hooked up in the other bathroom.  That will mean that if I have company they won't have to walk thru my bedroom to use the bathroom. Hooray!!

Evicted

 We are supposed to be under a blanket where evictions are halted because of the pandemic.  Apparently there are some loopholes and these people are getting evicted with nowhere to go.  If you can please throw a couple of bucks their way.  I know times are hard but these people really don't deserve what they are going through.  Thanks.

https://gf.me/u/y3csrr

Answers

 No answers yet.  I know I have stenosis in my carotid arteries but the doc says it shouldn't be causing the sudden dizzy spells. They have ordered a monitor for me to wear for two weeks to see if we can find some answers.

I don't own a tv so I didn't watch the debate. From all accounts it was a total shit show.  Trump basically told the white supremacists to stand by and wait for orders and basically lied his ass off like he's been doing since day one. Biden got frustrated with him.  I don't care for Biden but I'd rather have him than the current clown occupying the people's house. I say to all people, especially politicians, the needs of the many outweigh the wants of a few.  Read that line again. Understand the phrasing.  Differentiate between needs and wants.

Cardiologist

 So later today I will see a cardiologist to find out what the stenosis in my arteries means.  There's other things they found when I had the ultrasounds but I don't know what any of it means. I'll be signing a DNR, giving my daughter a Medical Power of Attorney and maybe doing a living will.  I'm nervous.

Suicide

 I think if Trump gets re-elected I will probably kill myself.  I can't stand how stupid people think their stupidity is as good as my intelligence. Look Karen, if you think the entire world is lying to you to control your mind and the only people telling you the truth are a third rate right wing conspiracy website then you are stupid.  Period. Go read a book. I honestly think people were trained at some point to believe what they read was true and then these right wing hate mongers cash in on that.  Faux news doesn't help. But I just don't think I can handle living in the modern equivalent of Nazi Germany if Trump gets elected again.

Bed

 I'm finding it truly amazing that one day I get out of bed and get things done and the next day I question my existence while trying to decide if it's worth getting out of bed or not.  And I'm really sick of the "this virus is a hoax" people.  I would really like to do some screaming.  But I'm not a Karen.

BSG

 If you were a fan of the Battlestar Galactica reboot, you might want to read this story: https://io9.gizmodo.com/battlestar-galactica-star-michael-hogan-needs-our-help-1845133658

The actor who played Saul Tight fell, hit his head and ended up with a brain bleed.  He's lucky to be alive (this happened to two of my uncles and killed them both). He needs fan help.  Please read the article and share it.  Thanks.

The Midnight Gospel

 I've started watching this on Netflix.  It reminds me of things I thought about on psychedelic trips back in the 80s.  I can't decide if that's unsettling or comforting.

Covid-19

 My daughter's boyfriend's grandma died from Covid-19.  It apparently really hit him hard because his grandparents kind of raised him.  I think these anti-mask people and those insisting

Dreams

 Like the Blondie song says "dreaming is free".  I've been having some very intense dreams lately.  The kind I don't really want to wake up from.  They are in glorious Technicolor.  In them it seems like I'm in a reality in which things went differently for me and/or my family.  Probably the entire country for that matter.  Each reality is a bit different.  I don't think I've been to the exact same one twice.  What really sets these apart from real life is that I'm happy.  Like deep down happy, feeling cherished and loved for who I am by the people around me.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.  I can't remember ever having felt like this in real life.  It's amazing.  I wish I didn't have to wake up.

The Hu

 I listened to The Gereg the other night.  Very impressive.  Mongolian metal wasn't where I was expecting to go this year but I'm glad I did.

DNR

 I've thought about this a lot.  With as depressed as I get I should probably sign a DNR.  I've never attempted suicide. I probably never will. But I really don't think that if I die I want them to bring me back.  If I die just let me be dead.

Depression

 I fight depression almost every day of my life.  Some days are good and some are not.  Today was marginally ok until I unexpectedly ended up face to face with my ex-husband.  He scares me.  I've had nightmares about him. He's mentally ill in a way that might be managed with medication and counseling but he does neither. So now I'm in a big downward spiral. He reinforced for me how unlovable I am.  I've always had a poor opinion of myself and by the time I divorced him it had been extremely reinforced by his narcissistic behavior.  So here I sit at home wondering if he knows where I live, should I be worried, etc.  I hadn't seen him for almost 10 years.  I don't know if I'll be able to sleep until the sun comes up.  With the PTSD I get paranoid and anxious and worry about him coming after me under the cover of darkness. I wouldn't worry so much but apparently he's got a history of breaking and entering.  Not stealing, just breaking in to places.  Just what I don't f*ing need right now.

ELO

 It's been a rainy day here today and I can't get the song Mr Blue Skies by ELO out of my head. Weird, eh?

Lonely

 I get lonely.  I think maybe I should get a dog or cat.  I'm concerned about what would happen to them if I died tho. 

Homeless

 I was homeless until just over a year ago when I moved into the place I'm living in now.  I'd been homeless for about 9 months.  It was a bad time in my life.  But my good friends helped me and I got a place.  I used to have this friend C.  I had known C since the early 2000s.  When I came back from Kansas, C and I got closer.  We would periodically go eat Chinese buffet together for our birthdays and stuff like that. I, to this day, have never been to C's house.  Not when he was living alone, not when he was staying with his mom and not after he got married (which was a total surprise).  He had been where I was living.  I bought him a Christmas gift one year, got him a shot glass from The Stanley Hotel when I visited it, and even sent him $50 when he and his wife (who I hadn't yet met) were desperate for money.  He's never actually given me anything nor did he pay that money back once they were on their feet.  Ok fine.  You don't do things for people expecting reciprocation.  But last year he would periodically call, drunk, to complain about his wife or his job, etc.  Always saying that next time he was in town he'd take me for Chinese. Finally the place we used to go closed.  I'm sure he forgot because he was drunk.  But whatever. Then he calls one night with this sob story about how the guy he was selling his grandparent's house to who had claimed to be a preacher stopped paying and trashed the house before disappearing. Then tells me how he's going to lose the house anyway because he's not been paying the property taxes on it.  After I had just gotten a home having been homeless for 9 months and he was acting like I should feel sorry for him.  I told him I was disappointed in him.  For whatever reason he had let the situation go for months before the city called him about the garbage on the property. He was going to lose the house and property because he was too busy, too depressed, too whatever to be bothered to drive over and check on the place once the guy quit sending him money.  He hasn't called me since I told him I was disappointed. He never asked why I was disappointed. But honestly it's because he was a shitty friend.

Is this it?

 So I was wondering the meaning of life and all that bullshit.  What if there is no meaning other than what we each personally ascribe to it? Does that mean if we don't get it then there was no meaning? Does it matter if nobody else on the planet understands you? Is a person born for a single split second in which they decide to either do or don't and that split second is the entire purpose of their life and the rest is irrelevant?  Or is it all bullshit and nothing matters?

Heart

 So I've been having dizzy spells for over a year now.  I ruled out blood sugar and blood pressure as the cause. My GP kind of blew it off.  I had actually gotten kind of used to them until I had two really bad falls in June.  I went to a neurologist and that was a waste of time.  He apparently couldn't even be bothered to look at my medication list. 🙄 So tomorrow I'm going for some heart tests.  I don't know how I feel about this.  On one hand it would be a relief to not be mentally torturing myself 40% of the time but on the other hand do I really want to die?  Guess I'll have to ask myself some hard questions depending on the results of the tests.

Self Loathing

 Bojack Horseman, season 4 episode 6. I deal with that sort of thing a lot even though I don't drink.  I fight with that inner voice constantly. Sometimes it gets too loud and I start to believe it.  I wish I didn't.

Thinking

 I've read several articles that are predicting the collapse of society by 2050.  With the end of humanity following since we have trashed the planet and Trump has been rolling back clean air and water laws.  It would almost be a relief. I mean why do humans deserve to exist?  If you try to take an objective look at our species we are horrible creatures.  Hunting animals to extinction, destroying the forests that produce the oxygen we rely on, using pesticides that kill the insects that not only destroy our crops but also the ones we rely on to pollinate them, etc.  I could go on but humans are en masse a horrible species.  Maybe the dolphins will evolve and do better.

Time

 I don't have the time to explain to everyone why they should care about people who aren't them.  This should have been covered by their parents or at the very least in kindergarten.  Remember the golden rule?  Yeah. I'm sure your god is looking down on you so proudly right now...

New Things

 I'm going to start posting here again. Not because I think anyone is paying attention but rather because I'm pretty sure nobody is.  

I am in the US and the current president is Trump.  The man speaks at about a 5th grade level (I'm being generous).  He has ignored the pandemic and people are dying.  Hell, some of his supporters (cult members) still are claiming the virus is a hoax.  My great aunt was 98 when she died on July 29th.  We believe she had it. She tested positive, then negative, and who the hell knows because healthcare is a clusterfuck in this country now. The federal government has actually spent more money on trying to suppress protesters (aka starting riots and kidnapping people exercising their constitutional right to protest) than it has in trying to get a handle on the pandemic.  

I, personally, apologize to the rest of the world for this.  This is not my America. This is not the country I grew up in. I don't know when things changed from help your community to fuck you I got mine but this is not acceptable to those of us who are still sane here.  I predict a wave of mass suicides if the orange baboon gets reelected.