Sadness

I'm quite sad right now.  Our family lawyer, who I had known since high school (he was in our Mensa group) was killed last month.  This was a huge shock.  I hadn't really seen him since he drafted my divorce papers years ago, but I considered him a friend.  Then I found out a friend of mine from the mid 80s passed away in 2014.  This guy was such an awesome person.  He made me think in ways I'd never thought before.  It was a totally platonic relationship.  I was 17 and he was working on his master's degree at the local university.  I always felt he was destined to do great things.  His roomate from his undergrad years contacted me to let me know what had transpired.  Apparently this wonderful man had made life better for an entire village in India.  I know that feeling sad or depressed about a death is a selfish thing.  Both my lawyer and my old friend had done magnificent things in their lives to improve the lives of others.  In a way I feel ashamed that I haven't done as uch with my life.  I also feel futility creeping up on me, like with the world where it is now and where I am as I am now there is no hope of me ever being good enough.  I've always had a problem with not feeling good enough.  I try and do my best to help people out, but I can't work on a scale bigger than person to person.  People who have inspired me through my life seem to keep dying.  I'm only 49 years old.  This makes me feel like I will die alone, having accomplished nothing.  horrible thoughts, I know.  But it's how I am right now.  I pour out feelings here because nobody really takes much of what I write seriously.  Tomorrow I might feel differently but right now I'm in a very low place.