I am feeling very depressed today. I miss my best friend. It hurts so bad I could almost just give in and forgive him for leaving me when I needed him. Almost. I've noticed a pattern in my life. I can't depend on men. They always leave me when I need them. Of course whether it's a friend or lover, I always get the "I'll be there for you speech" at some point and then they aren't there for me. When my first daughter's father killed himself (It will be 19 years ago the beginning of March) I couldn't understand why he would leave me when I needed him so badly. Being single and pregnant was hard, but at least I knew he was there. I never pressured him to marry me or any of that crap. I was going to do it on my own and he could either be dad or not. But when he killed himself it was like my will to live was gone too. I didn't want to go on. I had loved him so deeply and I never told him that. I kept it to myself. I was afraid if I told him or let him see just how much I loved him that he would leave me. Then for years I blamed myself for his death because I didn't tell him. Maybe if he had known how much I cared about him he wouldn't have done it. It could have been an anchor for him, something to hold on to in his depression. My grandma died not quite a month after he did. I got lucky and got to see her right before she went. At least she knew how much I cared about her. My ex-husband didn't so much abandon me as he simply kept himself separate from me and his daughter. It wasn't "US" It was Him and then Me and Nina. If it wasn't convenient or what he needed then he wasn't there. For some reason I seem to want to attach to men I think are strong only to find out they aren't at all. I always end up having to be the strong one. And I really resent this. I don't want to be the strong one anymore. If you have to be the strong one and nobody tries to hold you up while you are the one supporting the roof, then eventually there are structural problems and the roof caves in cause you have too much weight to bear alone. I'm sick of it. I don't think I CAN be the strong one anymore. Of course, people will say that's a load of crap cause you can always go further then you thought you could. This is true, unless you end up putting your feet down and dragging them instead of pedaling the bicycle. I'm tired enough I'm going to put my feet down. I don't want to go anymore.