Well, I ended up forgiving my former best friend. I don't know if he knows that or not yet. I sent him an email but there's been no reply. I guess I might never hear from him again. I did tell him I was sorry for whatever I had done that upset him. I'm still not sure I grasp understanding of what I did that upset him, other than fall in love with him. It's was a weird thing for me too, because I fell in love with his mind. Odd, isn't it? But in my letter to him I did say I was sorry and I didn't mean to push any heavy emotions or anything on him. If I did I wasn't aware of it anyway. I had expressed my frustration with waiting on him. But that wasn't on waiting on him to return my emotions. That was actually waiting on him to call or waiting on him to read my email. Sometimes I had things I felt were very important and wanted him to know about it and give me feedback and it had gotten to feeling like I could do stuff he wanted NOW and he would blow my stuff off for days sometimes. But none of this matters anymore. I forgave him. I understand that he was not totally open with me and there are things I don't know anything about in his life. He might have done what he did to protect me from something, or to keep me at a more comfortable distance for him. I have to say I miss the long talks with him about life, the nature of the universe, and anything else that crossed our minds. Even in high school I never spent that much time talking to ANYONE on the phone, lol. I had a lady on a forum I have been spending some time on give me some very sound advice. She said to go to the still place within myself, and allow the pain to come. Let it hit me hard. Think about what caused all the pain and then let it go. Forgive those that caused it and move on. I've done that. I have to say I've felt the best I've felt in years the past three or four days. In fact, I sat and talked with a lady about my first daughter's father's death today. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt, but I was able to talk about it without becoming a total wreck. I didn't even cry although I still felt the sorrow and a bit of pain over his loss. He hung himself while I was pregnant. The 19th anniversary of his death is the 6th of this month. But I finally forgave him for leaving me when I needed him most. I understand now that whatever was happening with him was so profound that I had nothing to do with it. I didn't cause it nor could I have prevented it. I miss him, but I know it wasn't because of me that he did what he did. Every year I would feel that pain, almost as fresh as the day it began. I realize I might crack on the 6th, but I don't think so. I also realize that my new found outlook on life is going to take some getting used to and I have to beware signs of slipping back into my old self-loathing depressive ways. But with the advice I got, I think I might finally be ok. I can move forward now instead of going back to the same old points in my life and beating myself up over things I had no control over anyway.

On a different note, Nancy, Kelly and I went on a ghost hunt Saturday night. And we found them!!! Kelly has some posted on her my space page. Her url is http://www.myspace.com/vampyluv Go check out the Ghost Hunt at Sunset Haven album in her pictures! I especially love the one with the apparent spirit in front of me when I'm sitting on the stairs. It's too cool. I have to say the whole experience was pretty awesome except for the two miles we hiked. Kelly and I did some daylight recognizance and the hike to the building from the road is 1/2 mile. Well, we went down and came back up during daylight. Then we went back down and came back up late that night. So it was a little grueling for me, especially since I'm the most sensitive (psychically) among the three of us. The building was a poor farm until the early 40s when it was converted into a nursing home. It stayed a home till the late 50's then was taken over by the local university and used for animal experimentation. It is just a shell of a building now. I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that at some point shock treatments were given in this place. There were two rooms I simply could not enter. By the time we left, I was sick and hurting and very dizzy. Oddly enough, I took stills and video but only caught a couple of orbs. For those who say orbs are just dust or whatever, the wind was blowing like you wouldn't believe here and you can go check the records to prove it. Look up Carbondale, IL weather records for the night of March 2nd and early morning March 3rd. There's no way a speck of dust hovered long enough for my camera to take a pic of it in total darkness so it would appear like a fuzzy white orb floating in the air. Kelly got the most spectacular photos and we are hoping this next weekend to visit another haunted house. It ought to be very interesting.

On an even totally different note, I got to play a Tibetan singing bowl today. It was almost a religious experience for me. The guy showed me how to hold it in my hand and then how to play it. The vibration from the bowl and the sound the bowl produced almost sent me into a trance-like state. I've decided I have to get one of these. I've never felt like that while standing up in broad daylight. If I would have continued playing I might have collapsed. I'm not sure. Even if I had I think I would have enjoyed it. It was like everything became very surreal yet extremely clear. I know my reality was changed so quickly it wasn't even funny. Quite overwhelming and awesome.