I have had some horrible things happen to me in my life. One of them I need to write about today. I'm not sure why today, but I need to write it out. I'm not whining or complaining or looking for sympathy. I'm trying to purge it from myself by getting it all out.

When I was in 5th grade my family moved. I was in a great school, full of caring teachers, wonderful classmates and I had lots of friends. I was a bright, outgoing, happy kid who was thinking very hard about dedicating her life to god. My great aunt was a nun and I thought that maybe one day I would be one too. I was in accelerated classes for half the day, regular classes the rest and I was a straight A student. Then we made that move. I was a shy kid so that made it more difficult. In my new school they wouldn't put me in the accelerated classes. I had to "prove" myself. Which I did by making straight As. And of course, the kids in my class decided they didn't like me. I was smarter than they were and I was different. It didn't take long before I not only had no friends but I was lucky if I could get through the day without having food thrown in my hair or avoid the spit-wads. I was called everything in the book. Fat, stupid, lazy, bitch, goon, I heard it all. I wasn't fat, stupid, or lazy. And since I never talked to anyone I didn't know why I was a bitch. I prayed to god every night, asking for help. I needed it to stop. But it didn't. It went on for 2 years. I had faith that god would help me, but it didn't seem like anyone was listening to my prayers. I lost my faith and began to pray that I could just die so I wouldn't have to endure any more. Then I stopped praying. When I was in 7th grade and it stopped (only because I told a teacher off... long story there) I did gain a few friends. I have forgiven the kids that did that to me. I know that kids are cruel and they didn't have any idea of how badly they were hurting me. But the results of what they did to me haven't gone away. I know that I'm a fairly smart person. I was a member of Mensa actually. But inside I know I'm stupid. I know I'm fat, ugly and lazy. My body has become fat over the years. Belief has made it so. The only pretty thing about me is my hair. I not only lost my faith in god but my faith in myself when all that happened. I believe in god. I know he/she exists. I just can't bring myself to believe that what I say or do or ask for matters in the slightest. I can't believe that my life or existence has any worth. I want to. I want to believe that I'm important to somebody or in some way, but I just can't. I internalized all that those kids told me. So instead of seeing a wonderful worthwhile person when I look in the mirror in the morning, all I see is a worthless monster staring back at me. And I don't know how to make that go away. I've only wanted two things in my life so badly that I couldn't stand it. One was my own home, a place to be where I would have a refuge and my friends could come and have a refuge there too. The other was somebody to love me. Somebody who wanted me to spend my life with them. Somebody who who could see the beautiful person trapped inside this ugly shell of a body and know I am a wonderful, loving, caring person. I lost my home of 7 years after my ex-husband decided to quit his factory job and that meant I lost the almost $400 a month in child support I had coming in. And I'm not convinced anybody has ever truly been in love with me. I think I'm too intense. Guys are either intimidated by me or they just want to get laid. I've been asked out three times in the past year. The first guy stood me up. TWICE. The second guy, come to find out, has a girlfriend and just wanted a piece on the side. And while there's nothing wrong with sex, I don't believe in cheating. If you and your partner agree to outside activities, that's one thing. If they don't know and you are cheating, that's something else entirely. I might not have high morals, but I do have my own standards of conduct and that's just not right to do to anyone. So, there we are. I'm an emotional retard. I fall in love with people who can't love me back. Then it hurts and I don't understand what's wrong with me that they can't love me. It always comes back to me. It is always my fault. I don't know why but it is. It's got to be, right? The principal of that school I moved to, she told me that once. She took me aside and said my problems are all my fault. I didn't try hard enough to get the other kids to like me. Apparently despite my loathing of her and that school, I internalized that as well. It is my fault and will always be my fault. I'm broken and not all the kings horses and all the kings men can put humpty back together again.