I keep having weird dreams. Most especially dreams about when I was little and we lived in Festus, MO. That was the last time I remember being happy all the time. I didn't start being depressed and wanting to die until we moved to southern Illinois. But the dreams I keep having are about returning to the house we lived in. Either buying it or the people who now live there let us come in and look. This last dream I had I was with mom and Nina. The one before I was with mom and dad. I have thought about it a lot and I think I know why I'm having these dreams. I think this is my subconscious' effort to tell me I need to go home. The only problem is that I don't really have a home anymore. Oh, I have a place to live, but it's not my home. When we lost the house, I lost the only home I've really ever had here in Illinois. The house we lived in here while I was in high school is familiar to me, but not comforting like my house was or that house in Festus. I do occasionally dream about that one, but not like I do about the one in Festus or my house. Every time I dream about the house I lost I wake up wanting to cry, with an aching because I feel like I lost things I can never recover with that house. It was truly my home and despite all the problems it had, I will probably miss it forever.

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