Well, I am not a happy camper. Yet. Although I think I will be soon. My plans have changed somewhat. Looks like my daughter will stay here with my parents while I travel the warmer climes until April when it will be warm enough to come back here. I had originally planned on going to Arizona to make a home, but I think I'll skip that now. I'll just be a homeless nomad for the moment.

Staying here in southern Illinois when it's warm enough to doesn't make me happy at all. For one thing I'm allergic to everything here. I have a lung condition called pulmonary hypertension. It will probably be what kills me. It's a chronic condition that will only get worse as my life goes on. This is a statement of fact, not a declaration to get sympathy. I neither want nor need sympathy or pity or any of that crap. I was diagnosed with this condition last year in September and one of the things they told me I could do to lessen the impact of this was to go where I wasn't allergic to everything. Thus I figured Arizona. My brother is out there and I figured my daughter could stay with him until I got on my feet there. My original goal was to be there in July. Well, I had my final appointment with my shrink, was wrapping things up and getting the camper ready to go when my brother e-mailed me to let me know that Nina couldn't stay with him till December cause he got a roomate and he had already discussed this with my mom and Nina so it was all set. Of course, it was never discussed with me, just handed to me after the fact. I didn't say anything. It wasn't very nice to do that without at least giving me a heads up, but my brother isn't generally a common courtesy kind of person. Well, he might be to other people, but not to me. But oh well. He was going to let Nina stay with him and that was cool. Well, I have been very frustrated and upset about things lately and my brother e-mailed me. It was an "I'm glad you are taking steps toward getting your life together but..." kind of letter. And it set me off. You know when you hit the point where you have taken eough crap from everyone and then one little things makes you loose it? Well, that was it. My brother has always been kind of condescending towards me. He's always better or more of whatever than I am. I think this comes from the fact that he's not as smart as I am and he feels inferior and thus has to point out anything he perceives as a lack in me as a fault I need to correct. While this might amuse him I've had enough of it. In the past couple of months I have lost my home of 7 years and almost everything I own. I had a guy I thought was a good friend of mine who was working on my camper for me rip me off for about $300. I had two people I have known for years, a guy named Vance and a girl named Sarah, ask me if I was still an athiest. Then I had another dude named Lance ask me if I was still a witch. For the record, I'm not an atheist, nor a witch, nor a christian. I have my own religious beliefs and I am not going to explain them because I'm tired of trying to explain my concept of god to people. All it does is frustrate me because they don't understand how I see god and then they end up thinking I'm some sort of athiest or witch or something. Why I care what people think is beyond me, but it does upset me that people freak out because my ideas don't conform to their idea of what god is. Why can't I just believe what I believe and all of you leave me alone, ok??? So, that said, I probably shouldn't have blown up at my brother, but I'm tired of him doing this to me. Because I am not how he feels I ought to be, there's something wrong with me. Because I don't think or believe or act like he thinks I should, I am defective. I have been diagnosed with bipolar II and he thinks I should stop taking the medication that has kept me fairly stable for the first time in my life. He's also a taker. You can do and do and do for him but he's one of those that you can't ever expect anything in return. Maybe he's not like this with other people, but he's like that with me. It's sad. I have finally realized he's just like my ex-husband. :P Anyway, all this said, I won't be hanging around Flagstaff anytime soon. The rest of Arizona, maybe. We will see.