I feel bad. I've had the flu the past few days and as a consequence haven't held down all my meds. I'm holding down the ones I took tonight ok, but this has led to a horrible bout of depression, right here at 1:27 am CT. I was laying here trying to get some sleep and began thinking about the movie What Dreams May Come. Now, if you haven't ever seen this, it's about a couple who loose their kids in a car accident, she goes nuts, they manage to stay together, then he dies in a car wreck and she ends up killing herself. Now this is where it begins to get really interesting. He goes to try to rescue her from hell. No, I'm not kidding. I have loved a few people in my life that much, that I would try to rescue them from hell. But I don't really feel that anybody has ever loved me that much. Now I know I'm bipolar, have anxiety issues, insomnia, and can end up wallowing in self pity. I know all this. I can't help any of it tho. Try as I might, I can't stop it. I end up feeling as if I'm a big pile of dog doo and not worth the space I take up. With this being the holiday season, that just makes it that much worse. I hate myself that I can't give people the things I want to. I feel like I am such a waste of every one's time and why do people even talk to me much less want to be around me? I know this is all classic bipolar but I can't, on an emotional level, feel that it's not actually true. What's even worse is that I know Nina is going thru this too. Her two best friends basically told her that they would rather be friends with her ex-boyfriend (who is online and they don't even know in real life) than her. And she doesn't understand how they could stab her in the back like this. I don't know either since that is something I've never understood about people is how they can deliberately hurt you in such a way. It's why I like animals more than people. If an animal hurts you it's because you did something wrong by hurting or scaring them. If a person does it, 9 times out of 10 it's deliberate and they meant it. And all this has made her feel the same way I'm feeling right now. I hate it. I wish I could take that away from her. I took her to our family doc and he refused to put her on meds cause she's only 12. He's an idiot. But I've said that before, right? What's real sad is he used to belong to the same Mensa group I did. :P